I'm a terrible blogger...

But in all honesty, does that even need to be said anymore?

Anyways....

I just wanted to, again, update on some happenings. These ones are from this morning :)

God is still doing amazing things around here, (as if He ever stops!)

This morning, as I reluctantly crawled out of bed, I again found myself thinking that I wanted to quit being a jr. high leader. I often struggle with these thoughts, but have suspiciously discovered that I think them only on Sunday mornings, before the jr. high service begins. So of course it only makes sense that these nasty thoughts would be most invasive during morning prayer with all the other leaders. Up until prayer time, I was also thinking on the prior evening, and how sorely irritated I had felt, (of course my irritation was not caused by anything from my immediate surroundings. I simply had not prepared myself before the battle). Josh doesn't know this, but I was up for quite awhile after he had gone to sleep because I stubbornly would not let go of my pride and humbly ask God to take away my irritation.

But going back to this morning, and prayer time...

As we were all sitting in our little group, Josh went and did something totally unspeakable; he asked us to pray that God would cleanse our hearts of anything that shouldn't be in there, before going and ministering to the kids.

Of course I am than thinking, "Um so does that mean that you want me to stop selfishly thinking about myself and consider what God might actually want for me?" I mean I knew what the right answer was, but at first, I so did not want to do it.

Needless to say, I knew I would be utterly useless if I did not confess my sins and ask God to purge my being of anything nasty inside. So in prayer, before my brothers and sisters in Christ, I confessed my sins, and while doing so another little prayer slipped out of my mouth,

"LORD please help us to love on these kids"

You ever find yourself shocked when God answers one of your prayers, especially if it was one that when you said it, you really didn't put much thought into before it came out of your mouth? That was what this prayer was.

(now I'm going to side track a moment, but stay with me, I'll come back to this in a moment)

I felt God's compassion as He erased my sins of last night, but still found my mind struggling with the thought of leaving jr. high. I was rationalizing all the 'right' reasons for me to leave. I mean I am expecting, I'll have to think of my child soon and not have time for being in this ministry. I was looking at the fruits of my ministry and began to wonder, 'Am I doing this without God's blessing? Does He want me in this place anymore? Do the girls even get anything out of our small group? Am I hindering His work in their lives?' The thoughts were invading my brain, and really distracting me from our time of worship. So I said to myself, (and to God), 'I will not worry about this anymore. If God is calling me away, than when He does so, He will tell me.' I also believe that if you are unsure of whether or not God is calling you away from a ministry, the best thing to do is to STAY in that ministry until you hear from Him on where to go next. It is all too easy to feel strong emotions that make us believe that God is telling us to do something, when really He is not. I don't know if that is right, but as of now, I feel that is good counsel.

Josh gave his message, and than the dreaded moment came, small group discussion time.

This really isn't the most horrible thing in the world, but when you've been having thoughts like I had been having, being in this group with all those young faces looking up at you is a little bit intimidating.

The discussions were going well, (at least I felt they were), girls were sharing, we were talking, I was hoping they were understanding the real life applications of the message, and then my dear Emily shared with us how her Saturday went.

Emily, and her dad, do not have a very happy relationship as of late. In fact, during the past year plus that I've know Emily, her relationship with her dad has been a hard one. I know I can only take what she says with a grain of salt, seeing how I do not know the other side of the story, but from all that she says, her dad is a big meany.

On Saturday, (as of right now, yesterday), they had another one of their verbal confrontations, and as Emily told us about it the skin around her eyes began to turn red, and than within moments tears were flooding her vision.

This is when God unexpectedly answered my prayer, "LORD help us to love on these kids"

The instant I saw the torment in her face, my heart was stricken with unsurpassed grief.

You see, Emily asks for prayer a lot for her dad, and their relationship. So to see that things weren't, so far, getting any better, just completely broke my heart.

After the group was over, I turned to Emily and began to talk to her about her relationship with her dad, and than asked her about her relationship with God.

(My heart is still breaking for her now.)

I asked her, in regards to her relationship with God, if she was feeling any disappointment in Him because she didn't feel like He was answering her prayers. Unfortunately she said yes, and than went on to say, 'it is sometimes hard to believe God is merciful when this keeps happening'.

What do you say to a young girl when she says this??? I mean I KNOW God is hearing her prayers, but how to I tell her that how God answers them is a mystery? But that is exactly what I did tell her. I also tried to remind her that He DOES hear her prayers, and will answer them.

Maybe God is preparing her for something in her future, I don't know.

But it is so hard to watch a beautiful young lady, tormented by her emotions about her and her dad's relationship, and have no magic prayer that instantly makes it all better.

I didn't say it was going to be a happy post,

but I will say that even though God answered my prayer from this morning

in ways that I wasn't expecting, I still am so thankful that He did.

Can you imagine what my time with Emily would have been like if I had not confessed my sins and humbled my heart to doing His will for my life? Or if I had not prayed for Him to fill our hearts with love for the kids? I have had conversations with her that took place while my heart was in that other place. They always go about with me having nothing to say, but worse yet, with me having no love in my heart for her hurting one.

It was, by far, the hardest morning I have ever had being in jr. high, both before prayer time and after. Yet it turned out to be one of the most rewarding.

I told Emily I will be praying for her and her dad this week. If the LORD puts them on your heart, after reading this, I will be thankful that others are praying too.

It had been such a long time since I've felt love like that for another person, who wasn't a family member, or very close friend. In that experience, though, I learned more about the amazing heart of God. He really does love deeper than we can fathom. I also learned that when you ask Him to do something, be it His will, He will let your heart break to answer that prayer.

I can honestly say that I love Emily, and my heart is broken for her in her situation.

I don't know if I will wonder next Sunday whether or not I should be involved with jr. high, but I feel that as long as Emily keeps coming, I want to be there. I know God has a victory in store for her, and I want to be with her to celebrate when it comes!

I know this is probably way longer than you were expecting to read, but I wanted to get this whole experience written down somewhere so that I could look back on it in the future and remember God's faithfulness to hear my prayers, and remember how He answered them.

The LORD bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you, and your family :)