A Study Through Romans Leads Me To...

...Psalm 51.
I mentioned it in my blog from yesterday.

I don't know why, but I hadn't really realized that David wrote this Psalm after being confronted about his adultery with Bathsheba. Knowing this makes this Ps, and particularly vs.' 10-12, alive to me in a way it was not before.

This Psalm begins with David repenting over his sin with Bathsheba, and vs.' 10-12 read like this:

" Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

and uphold me with a willing spirit." (Psalm 51:10-12 ESV)

I've always remembered this passage whenever I'm not experiencing joy over my salvation, and I pray these words of David whenever I'm in that place. But now, I see why David was praying it.

I think that what happened to David, one whom God Himself referred to as a man after His own heart, was that he found he ended up where he was, in his sin and the trough of its consequences, because he had allowed his flesh to slowly take over and invade his love for the Father.

Pastor Matt Chandler (in so many words) asked this question in his Philippians DVD study, 'What robs you of your affections for Christ?' What he means is, what: things, people, shows, and activities, whether they are sinful or not, get in and distract you from loving God? For me, the answer would be: idolatry of food and sleep (and there are others. There are ones that are not sinful in any way, but I'm just sharing these for now). My flesh LOVES to find its refreshment in both of these things. My gluttony for sleeping in wants me to forfeit devotional time in the morning. My idolatry of food wants to keep my focus wrapped up in it all day long, turning to it when I feel stressed.

What is scary is that I imagine David, not a super human, but indeed a godly man, did not see and recognize the things that were discreetly creeping in and robbing him of his affections for his God.

Consider this: when do you figure you have begun letting the desires of your flesh win out on the desires of the Spirit living in you? It is not when you are keeping in step with the Spirit, is it? No. It is when we are not keeping in step with the Spirit. It is when we look to the things of the world to satisfy us, instead of Jesus.

Whatever it was for David, whether it was pride, worry, love for women, fear of displeasing man, or whatever else a king and a man might struggle with, he forfeited pressing forward and neglected the necessary nurturing that keeps up our affections for God.

Can't you hear it in his words? The man is broken over what he has done!

"Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight..." (Psalm 51:4a ESV)

This man LOVES the Father. He is heart broken over what he has done, and I would venture to say, as well as where his heart has been before this encounter with Bathsheba.

• Create in me a new heart... - because for awhile, my heart has not been in the right place.
• Renew a right spirit with in me... - because the spirit I've been choosing to live by, the one I've been allowing to govern my steps, is not of you.
• Restore to me the joy of Your salvation... - because I've forgotten from how much I have been saved.
• Uphold me with a willing spirit.... - because I know I will fail again, but if You do all the previous things I've asked, then I know You will do this too. I can't make myself willing on my own, You must birth that spirit with in me.

I take for granted God's protection over my family and I when I'm allowing my affections to be drawn away from Christ, and instead, drawn to things of this world. I never consider how if I continue on that path, I am really choosing the same path David did, the one that lead him to his sin with Bathsheba. Of course that might not be where my path would lead, [ie., into the arms of another lover], but there is a dark place that I know I could get to, even though I am redeemed, even though I've been a Christian for well over 10 years, even though I'm married to another believer and am active in a solid christian fellowship...even though all of those are true, I am not immune to the enticements of this world. There is a reason Paul said, "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." (Galatians 5:16 ESV) and, "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted." (Galatians 6:1 ESV). We LOVE sin. We hate it in our minds, our minds that have been set on the things of the Spirit, but our flesh loves it.

David loved the Lord with his heart and mind, but his flesh loved itself and what brought it pleasure.

I am the same as he.

You are the same as us.

Let us keep a watchful eye for those things that would steal away our affections from God.

To close, here is an awesome illustration that was shared with me, taken from the example of Lot.

"So Lot chose for himself all the Jordan Valley, and Lot journeyed east. Thus they separated from each other. Abram settled in the land of Canaan, while Lot settled among the cities of the valley and moved his tent as far as Sodom. Now the men of Sodom were wicked, great sinners against the Lord." (Genesis 13:11-13 ESV)
Lot choose the lush Jordan valley, (nothing wrong with that), but then he settled in the cities of the area, and we see the progression of his heart moving away from God. Until Lot eventually sets up his home in the place of Sodom, a place where the people sinned greatly against God.

We can begin like Lot (did you know that Jesus refers to him as "righteous Lot"?), and end up finding ourselves in amazingly difficult situations that we never thought we could get ourselves into. The only way to safe guard ourselves, is to watch out. Our flesh will always want to please itself, and what pleases it are the things that displease God.

I mentioned it yesterday, I'll mention it again. I love to pray David's heart filled prayer. Until today I hadn't realized just how much personal sorrow was in his prayer, but even for everyday living, before really getting going into the day, his prayer is one that is good to pray.

I am so very close to forsaking my God for pursuit of my own pleasures...

...when I'm not keeping in step with the Spirit.

The Day of My Adoption, and a process

The Day Of My Adoption,

and a process                                  

~ Ephesians 1:5; the beginning was being predestined.  The actual process of being adopted took place after both the predestination and calling. 

~ Galatians 4:5-7 & Romans 8:23:

It seems most appropriate to refer to ‘that day’ [ie.; the day of our personal salvation] as the day God adopted us, and not the day we ‘received Jesus’ as our savior.

~ I have wrestled a long time with the today’s usage of the words ‘received’ and ‘accepted’, when referring to my salvation. 

~ ‘Adopted’ is actually biblical (where I don’t know that the previous two terms are).

God called me to be His daughter, but it wasn’t at that point in time that I would have been considered redeemed.  The day that God choose to call me was well before I was born, well before I was even conceived; “In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:4c-6, ESV). 

         This verse tells me two things right away:

1)   Jesus wasn’t plan B to saving the human race (important fact to know).

2)   He was already planning on adopting me well before I was alive.

So in light of these verses, where was there ever any room for me to ‘receive’ or ‘accept’ Jesus as my savior?  It seems evident that the only reason I am saved/redeemed/adopted, is because of God’s glorious grace.  In accordance with His pleasure and will (that is how NIV translates “according to the purpose of his will”), I have been adopted – its all about Him! 

God predestined me to be adopted; the Father sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and make a way for my adoption (and that of others who are also predestined); Jesus is the one who said ‘It is finished’ and He gave up His last breath; He called my name; He put with in me the Spirit to guide and direct me.  To sum it all up: He predestined, He called, He justified, He is sanctifying, and He will glorify myself with Him in heaven. (scripture references: Ephesians 1:4-7, Romans 6:19, 8:23,30)

There was a day when God called my name.  I don’t know what day that was, but I do know that I was a little girl.  I know that He had been wooing me for a little while, slowly winning my heart to Him (which now that I am an adult, I can look back and see that He fulfilled Romans 2:4, “the kindness of God leads you to repentance” [NASB]), until the day that my adoption took place. 

As a pre-teen and teenager the world looked enticing, and I started to play games with it, trying to turn my back to my first love: God.  However, I always knew that I was saved. 

Then came the day that God ‘got a hold of my attention again’.  The bible says that He is a jealous God.  The time had come, and He was bringing my heart back to His. 

So why is it so important to think of my salvation as adoption and not an acceptance of Jesus?  Well for many reasons, but here is just one of them.  Because I know I’ve been adopted, I am overwhelming grateful for God choosing me.  I know He didn’t choose me because of me, but because He wanted to; He has some purpose(s) in mind for how I would bring Him glory.  This is all extremely humbling and puts my perception of myself in the right place: I’m just a sinner saved by grace.  I am free to look at my salvation as a gift, completely and utterly underserved, because I did nothing to obtain it.  I know others would strongly disagree with me on that, but is this not the truth found in scripture?  Read it for yourself.

When I think of salvation, in light of these words that describe the process of having it [ie.; predestined, called, adopted], I’m lead to leave you with this final thought- in the form of a question:

Are you called?

Is God ‘wooing’ you?

If yes, what is holding you back?

Have you already been adopted? 

Are you overjoyed by this (because you should be!)?

Whether you are full of joy in light of this fact or not, thank him, right now, genuinely.  If you find yourself struggling to have genuine gratitude, ask Him to give that to you.  David did pray, “Return to me the joy of your salvation”…I pray this all the time too.  It’s ok to be honest with God and pray this for yourself. [Look at the verse in context; Psalms 51:10-12.  Pray through it for yourself]

Psalms 1

There is something about the placement of this chapter, being the very first chapter to the poetic book of Psalms, that I think has great significance. If you read it, (which you'll have the chance to, because I will type it out in this blog), it couldn't have fit in a better spot than right here, at the beginning of this book of 'real life stuff'.

David wrote most of the Psalms, and a lot of those are about him crying out to God to save him from his enemies, or praising Him for vindicating him from his enemies. There is a whole lot in the Psalms that I do not understand, and I wonder if I ever will. I doubt that God has it in the plans for me to be a 'marked woman', like David so many times was. Perhaps, in some lesser degree, God will bring me through trials that cause me to search the Psalms of David for hope and encouragement, but I don't know.

Psalms 1 doesn't give credit to an author. I don't know if David wrote it, but that doesn't matter to me. Whoever wrote it was speaking with wisdom, and the Holy Spirit obviously directed the hand of the writer because the truth this Psalm holds is mighty.

Since I read this Psalm a month or so ago, God has brought it to remembrance many times. Here it is:


"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stand in the path of sinners,
nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by
streams of water,
which yields its fruit in its season
and its leaf does not wither;
and whatever he does, he prospers." vs. 1-3 (from the NASB)


Like any passage of holy scripture, there is so much that can be taken out of these three verses. A Christian would do well to read over them time and time again, meditate on these words and allow the Spirit to make the heart changes that would come as a result. I don't want to go into great detail about what these mean, or rather, what my finite mind understands about what they are saying. I only want to share what the mean to me, and what God is teaching me through them.


Vs. 1:
"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stand in the path of sinners,
nor sit in the seat of scoffers!"

When I read this I hear, "Audra, this is what a righteous man/woman of God does, and does not do." Christian, we are BLESSED when we do not go to the unbelieving people to ask of them their counsel. I don't know how often we do that, but doesn't it just make sense? God has said that His ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts. When the writer is talking about "our", He is referring to the human mind. If, then, you seek the counsel of a non-believer, how do you expect they will give you counsel that is in alignment with God's heart? If we do, however, seek their counsel and walk in it, is that because we knew that if we were to have gone to another believer, they would have corrected us and the Spirit would have brought conviction to our wrong motives?

We are blessed when we do not walk in the way of the world. The world is wicked and the people of the world have a lot of ideas on how to do things in their ways. The world tells you to pursue money so that you have nothing to worry about. God tells you to pursue Him and His kingdom and you will have nothing to worry about (Matthew 6:33). The world counsels you to follow your heart. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). The world tells you that physical discipline of your child is wrong, but Proverbs 13:24 reads, "He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Now I know that last one could really stir up some controversy, and in response I would quote Gerry Breshears, a professor at Western Seminary, "Lets talk with our Bible's open". (And by mentioning his name I am not claiming anything in regards to what he holds to. I'm merely giving credit where credit is due). The world has a lot of decent sounding ideas, but God's word ought to be the final authority in the Christian's life.

The psalmist also mentions that a man is blessed when he does not, "stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!" The picture I get is of the Christian who makes his best friends those whom the Bible would call "sinenrs" and "scoffers". "Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?" 2 Corinthians 6:15. Yes we should befriend unbelievers, but if Paul (who wrote 2 Cor.) in wisdom wrote these words, what makes us think that we could become best friends with one who scoffs at our God? My husband is friends with a man who used to scoff God. He did it in ignorance, of course, not understanding the God that loved him, but still it made their friendship difficult. Praise be to God this friend is now a brother in Christ and fellowship has been restored! Had, however, this friend continued down a path of not knowing the Lord as his savior, my husband and him would eventually have to break the ties of their close companionship. More than having to, it tends to be inevitable for the Christian who is seeking after God's will for their life. We can not have fellowship with the unbeliever who scoffs at the God we love. We will miss out on many blessings if we do, and like I heard it once said, "It is easier to pull someone down from standing on top of a chair, than it is to pull a person up from standing on top of a chair."


Vs. 2:
"But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and in His law he meditates day and night."

This is the kicker for me. This is the vs. that continually resonates in my mind. What it says to me is this, "Audra, is your delight in the law of the Lord?" If my delight was, than doing what the next sentence says would come naturally. However, I very often do not find my delight in God's law. By law I am not talking necessarily about the Old Testament law, though that is implied because this is from an O.T. book, but there are also the laws given to the Christian. The ones like, "Love your neighbor as yourself" or, "This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you." John 15:12. Those are the laws that I have to stop and ask myself, "Is my delight in the law, 'love your neighbor as you love yourself'?" Do I find joy and restoration in reading God's law and implementing it in my life? If that isn't the case, than how do I get it to be that way? Well I will pray and ask God to make it so! That is the only thing I know to do, but I have heard that is the best thing to do. The next line also alludes to one other thing that will make this a possibility for me. If I do not "meditate" in His law day and night, than what chance do I have at finding any delight in it? Now I don't think that is what this part of the vs. is talking about necessarily, but that is still the truth. How can you grow a love for something if you never take any time to invest in it? And didn't God say that a man is blessed when he does take the time to do this? (He did, in vs. 1).

What I really find challenging in this vs. is the string of words, "And in His law he meditates day and night". How often do I not even meditate in His law neither day nor night! But the promise that comes in vs. three is what causes my heart to long to do so.


Vs. 3:
"He will be like a tree firmly planted by
streams of water,
which yields its fruit in its season
and its leaf does not wither;
and whatever he does, he prospers."

Oh what a sweet promise! Here is what I read, when I read this: "If you discipline yourself to meditating on His law day and night, Audra, than when the strong winds of doubt rise up and try to knock down the walls of your faith, they will not fall. If you will meditate on His law, than when trials come from seemingly out of no where and blind side you with pain, you will be able to endure because you will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water - living water. Cares of this world will try to overtake your mind and cause you to worry about all the details of the day, but if you meditate on My law, your mind will remain sound and you will have joy inexpressible as you watch Me carry all your worries away." Our God is an awesome God to do all these things for us, His kids. It blesses my heart to read the words of this psalm and hear the gentle exhorting voice of the Lord translating them in a way that I can understand them, and they in turn make my heart glad.

Like I said before I don't understand a lot of the psalms, especially a lot of David's with all his strife and enemies trying to constantly overtake him. But this psalm, at least this first half, (there are three more vs. I haven't quoted), I think I got a tiny glimpse of what it's saying.


"He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season."

I am not a baker

I was asked to make dessert tonight for a family get together and well, I failed miserably. The sad thing is it wasn't even a dessert that was to be baked - an un-baked, baked item, if you will.

Fortunately, for our family members, we live in a time when I can just hit up the store on the way over to their home and buy something someone else made. Unfortunately, it will probably have wheat and lots of sugar, both of which I was attempting to stay away from with the dessert I was making. I mean of course it would have some sugar, but not globs of it.

Its funny how failing at something can affect your heart. Before the 'baking' began I was feeling both brave and trepidatious. I had both high hopes of success, but also anxiety that I might fail again. Most of my attempts at creating desserts don't pan out the way I intend for them too, so I was certainly going into this project humbly. However, even with knowing my own track record, my heart was crushed when it didn't turn out.

It reminded me of the time that my mom spent a morning making one of her divine quiches, only to have it fall out of her hands upon exiting the oven. It was in a glass dish and shattered when it met our blue tile floor. I remember sitting in the dining area, watching this event unfold and feeling an overwhelming sense of, "Thats not fair! Don't you know how long she worked on that?" Of course I don't know who I would be talking to had I actually said those words. Still it was the injustice of it all. I wasn't surprised when her reaction was to silently sniffle while picking up the pieces of egg and glass. I remember my heart hurting deeply for her. Cooking is one of her joys in life, and this was like cooking just stabbed her in the back. I know that sounds pretty severe, but hey, thats what it looked like.

Today I found myself in my mother's shoes. It seems a silly thing to be so distraught over a ruined dessert, but my heart felt literally crushed. Crushed like that broken pyrex dish in my mother's kitchen. Maybe it was my hopeful expectations. Maybe it was the fact that I felt I might actually overcome my supposedly life long curse of being unable to bake. Maybe it was because it is a REALLY tasty treat and I was looking forward to eating something I could actually enjoy (ie.; a wheat-less dessert). Or maybe it was just a pity party.

I will admit, the pity party was a major factor, I knew that while I was in it. It is hard to get over something that is so disappointing, especially when it has just freshly happened.

As I was cleaning up the mess I was sad that there was no one around to take pity on me. I was all alone in my failure with out a shoulder to cry on, and that made it even harder to 'get over it'. I laid on the couch and had these thoughts: " I am not getting over this, I don't know how to stop feeling bad, I feel so bad for myself and my failure, what am I supposed to do so that I can get over this?" I know it sounds ridiculous, but hey I'm just being honest here.

Then the most amazing thing happened - Josh called. I told him what happened and he said it would be alright and that we would pick something up from the store on the way over. Its funny because although these weren't the soothing pitying words I was hoping for, I still felt better that at leastleast someone had heard how upset I was. After that it was all too easy to get over myself.

I wish that I could have just brushed it off with out dragging Josh to my pity party (though at least, for his sake, he didn't have to stay long). I know that there will be bigger failures in my life that I will handle with just as little grace as I did with this one, and I don't like that thought one bit. I'm not afraid of failing at things, I know that is part of life, but it is scary how one little failed dessert can bring such a self love out of my heart. Had Josh not called and heard the tears in my voice, I could possibly still be moping around here with my shoulders literally slumped in defeat (I say this because I was shocked that even my posture took on a 'poor me' attitude). Had he not heard my sadness, I wonder if I would have carried the pain of failure with me until someone did hear my sad story. I actually think I would have.

There is a vs. I read the other day that struck a chord in my heart and has been resonating since. It reads like this, "Love your neighbor as yourself". It has stuck with me because when I read it I heard another voice putting forth the thought, "Do you even love your husband and child like that?" Yikes! I know that we would hardly admit this, but isn't it true that we really REALLY love our selves? Its not like we gawk and stare at ourselves in the mirror and praise our worthy attributes, but we do care an awful lot for our own bodies. I obviously care a lot for myself as evident from the pity party I threw for myself, but do I love others in that same way that when they are down I will be there for them to turn to? I want very badly to say yes, but knowing myself, if it inconveniences me I might easily turn aside and let them fall on someone else's shoulder. I admit that I HATE this about myself, but it is the me that is me apart from Christ. That does not justify me not loving my neighbor as myself, on the other hand it ought to liberate me from feeling like a 'bad christian'. I am "wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked", as Jesus said of the church of Laodicea in Revelation 3:17, yet I am still commanded to love my neighbor as I love myself. How can such a wretched, miserable, blind person do such an amazing thing? Ah it is only through abiding in Jesus Christ. John 15 talks about abiding in Jesus, and Galatians 5 talks about walking by the Spirit so that you do not cary out the desires of the sinful flesh. My sinful flesh wants to love me and care for others at my own convenience, in the context I am willing to love, and only with the resources I think are enough to get the job done. Christ's command calls me to do something far greater than that, though. His command, "Love your neighbor as yourself" means; love others when it is inconvenient for you, love them selflessly, willingly giving up my free time to sit with someone when their world is falling apart, and sparing no cost to outfit them during their times of need.

Jesus said to His disciples in relation to one another, "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life or his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you." (John 15: 12-14) Jesus displayed this kind of deep love in His life and death. He lived to love and He died because of love, (He also rose again because of love, Hallelujah!)

I shared my story about the failed dessert because it was a really good reminder of the love I have for myself, which in turn reminded me of the sort of deep, compassionate, long suffering love I am commanded to have for others. It is not easy to love in the way Jesus does, but with Christ it is possible and it is beautiful!

Making a Large Wet Bag

When Elias woke up this morning I realized that I was out of disposable diapers. I knew that I would need to go to the store to buy some today, so while we were waiting for our favorite bulk diaper supplier to open up I put Elias in one of his old clothe diapers. I was happy that after a couple of months of being 'off cloth', the folding and pinning came back like riding a bike. I also realized how much I missed doing cloth diapers (I know some of you probably think that I sound crazy when I say that).

Of course two months ago, when I decided to take a break from CDing I had at that time run out of disposable liners (a must have if you loath dealing with poop - - - which I do), so I decided to look them up online to re-order. While looking, 'suggestions' for other CDing items popped up, most of them being items I've never had because well, I've been broke :) For the longest time I've wanted to have a wet bag for his diapers. I've always used a pail and a plastic liner from the dollar store, and I've always hated using the plastic bag for a liner because it leaks into the pail. So while perusing the diaper pail liners I came across ones that hang off the door. After reading their info for a minute I discovered that these liners also zipped shut - OMGOSH! "You mean that I could have a chic diaper liner that didn't take a big bulky pail in the bathroom, AND it zips shut so we don't have to smell the stinkies??!?!?!" At this moment I'm pretty sure that I heard sounds of rejoicing in the back round...or maybe that was me. The downside, however, is that I could only find them for about $30 - - - and I'm still broke, so yeah, not happening. There were 'knock-off' brands of similar bags that were about half the price, but that would still mean that I would have to pay more than I wanted to - - - I'm not only broke, I'm cheap as well. Plus I was hoping to buy two bags. After washing the liner it has to air dry, so it makes sense to need two of these.

After spending about an hour checking out lots of sites I had the novel idea, "Why Audra, you have a sewing machine and you know how to use it, why don't you just MAKE a wet bag?" To which I replied, "Great idea self!" So off Elias and I went to the fabric store. I had no idea how much I would love that place, seeing how I've only been there two other times, but omgosh! I'm going to tell my hubby that from now on he should just get me gift cards for that place when he wants to buy me a present :)

With the little bit of knowledge I had just learned about wet bags and PUL material, I was excited about my new adventure! Elias was a good sport during the hour long trip (of course it isn't hard to enjoy yourself when all the ladies flirt with you, which is exactly what they always do when Elias goes out). They had ADORABLE PUL material, so I didn't have to buy an outside fabric to make the bag more attractive. After having the lady at the desk measure out and show me what a yard and a half of fabric looks like (since I didn't even know what a yard looked like, which she showed me first and I figured I'd probably need more than that), we bought 'strap' and two zippers (which are A LOT more expensive than I thought they would be). Then I asked another lady where their 'string' was, to which she replied, "We don't have string, but we have juan (or was it juel?)." I then thought to myself, "What in the world? Why would a place like this not have string?" Then after a minute of talking she realized that what I was looking for was 'thread' - go figure.
After a few more ladies had their chance to flirt with Elias, we were out the door!

It surprisingly only took me about an hour, but I made the bag!!! I'm so proud of myself! I don't want to brag in any way what so ever, because; A)I am actually amazed that it turned out, and B)I still don't know if it will hold up after a few washings. BUT STILL! It actually worked! Ok ok so enough of my jabbering, how about some pictures aye?!

A few things I've learned...

This is a list of the things I've discovered in regards to my desire to live a more 'natural' life style.

1. Rice milk is fun to make and surprisingly tasty (and also VERY creamy)

2. Cage free eggs are worth their cost. Not necessarily because they taste better either. Actually I can't tell if they taste any different at all, but I LOVE knowing that the chickens who hatched those eggs are not bound up in nasty coops.

3. Oatmeal pizza crust has a better flavor than its traditional wheat counterpart.

4. I am not an animal lover, and frankly I don't like them at all, but I do care for them because God cares for them.

5. Though I've yet to try it, I'd love to start buying raw milk products - especially for Elias.

6. Organic apples actually do taste better than non-organic (the difference is AMAZING!)

7. I don't care about Elias wearing organic clothes or playing with plastic toys.

8. I don't mind if someone feeds a grain fed piece of meat for dinner. I am grateful that someone would spend their hard earned cash to feed me, in the name of friendship.

9. I see the validity in a vegan diet, though I know for certain it is not for me.

10. Sugar is still my enemy and everyday I struggle with the temptation to pass it off as 'no big deal'. I try to justify that the fact that I am eating healthy meals makes it ok for me to indulge in sugary snacks.

11. Home made bread is awesome and fun to make, even if I can't eat it...*tear*

12. If I could figure out how to ingest garlic in it's raw form, I would everyday.

13. I'm thankful I was able to walk so much this summer and get my vitamin D levels up so high as to only just this month need to start supplementing. (Dr. said to take 4,ooo IU until May, and then get back outside)

14. Water is the best thing to drink.

15. When I do it, making Elias baby food for him is a blessing, because I know whats in it.

16. Until it's proven that vaccines do what they say they do, I'm content with our decision to not vaccinate. *I don't look down on parent's who have/do vaccinate their children. I just hope they judge me as being a poor parent because we've chosen alternative methods.

17. Eating a diet that is 51% raw foods is best for you, though I'm still not on board with it.

18. Exercise is beneficial, but a diet of quality foods is essential for being healthy.

19. Sleep is also essential for being healthy.

20. Though we don't yet do this, I'd much rather have organic (at least grass fed) beef than what is available in stores, because I think it really is much better for you.

21. I still LOVE cloth diapering and would choose it over desposies, I just need more of the cloth diaper essentials to make it a little less gross for me to deal with.

22. Being able to play, sing, laugh, and dance with my precious one year old son is the best motivator to keep up this sort of living!


When I was a teen, and into my early twenties, I allowed myself anything my taste buds wanted to savor. I ate cookies, candy, and cake in replace of nutrient packed meals. I figured that since I was only supposed to have 'x' number of calories a day I would spend those calories on the things I enjoyed the taste of, which was always sweets. I remember during my senior year of HS I was sick constantly with colds. I didn't understand then what it was that was causing me to be so ill, because I didn't understand the truth in the saying "you are what you eat".

After HS I worked at a lodge where homemade cookies and brownies were available 24 hours a day (literally!). When I was 19 I took pictures of myself "to see how bad it really was". I was disgusted with myself. When looking at those pictures the only word that came to mind was "fat", because that is what I was. Compared to most people I was still in relatively good shape, but for me, I was fat. I cried and deleted the pictures off the camera. I didn't want any one else to mistakenly come across them. Now I wish I still had them, so that I could look back and see how far God has brought me. During the days of being at the lodge, where I took those pictures, I would eat somewhere around 12 cookies a day. I worked in the kitchen and because I was young I figured they weren't effecting me. Whenever I saw a picture of myself I thought that there was something wrong with the camera, or maybe the angle the picture was taken at. I always felt thinner than I really was, though clothes shopping had already become a hated event. That night after deleting those pictures I knew I had to change the way I was living (though this thought only took root and later came to fuician) - I was killing my body with food that was not meant to destroy me. I started jogging, but still allowed myself to eat the occasional three or four cookies. It wasn't until after the lodge, while at a college and career event with our church, that I realized I had a serious addiction to sugar. I found myself eating whatever my heart desired until I felt sick, but it was such a bad addiction that after a few minuets the sickness would go away and I would indulge again in treats until I was sick again. I did this over and over that evening. I even jokingly mentioned to my friend that, "I couldn't stop!". She and I both laughed, but inside I was crying. I felt very much that no one would want to marry me if I was 'fat'. I felt ugly, and the thought came, "Who would want to marry an ugly fat girl like me?" It was a hard place to be in, feeling despair over not being able to control even the things I put into my mouth. If I couldn't control my hand from picking up everything I wanted to eat, than what hope was left for me?

When I met my husband I had just started working at a coffee shop. I had been back from the lodge only a short while, but since I was no longer eating several cookies a day I immediately lost a noticeable amount of weight, at least puffiness. While working one day I had this great idea: Since I was losing weight from not eating cookies, maybe if I completely cut sugar out of my diet the results would be even more noticeable. So I did it. For one month I said 'No' to all things sweet and delectable. I didn't even allow myself honey, only the sugars from fruit. Every day I woke up and said, "I will not eat sugars today", and I didn't. And although I don't remember consciously involving God in my resistance, my relationship with Him was steady and I was deeply in love with Him at that point in my life. He was literally my everything, and nothing satisfied me more than to enjoy His presence. I don't advocate any sort of 'name it and claim it' techniques, because I've done that recently in regards to this same issue and it has failed me. With out the Lord it is very difficult to succeed in keeping up life changing and long term commitments. You can try it if you please, but for lasting effects you need the Lord Jesus to be your strength to resist the things that tempt you most.

During that month I also started walking six days a week for 45 minutes in the morning before I ate anything. My healthy younger brother recommended it to me, so seeing how he was the one in shape, I took his advice. It was nice to walk, even if my eye lashes were frozen together because it was a very cold winter that year. I enjoyed those morning walks with the Lord, in His incredible creation, amongst the beautiful frost covered trees and woods.

After only three days of not eating sugars I was surprised to find how easy it all of the sudden was to go without eating it. Strawberries began tasting as sweet as pure sugar, but better! Fruit became what it was always meant to be; the sweetest thing I could eat, and it was deliciously nutritious. I also found a new hope for myself, I actually could say 'No' to something and successfully practice self control! At that point in my life I also was glutenous with regular food, but hadn't realized how deep that sin was until this sugar fast was happening. God also gave me freedom from over indulging myself, because as I saw that I could deny myself all things sugary, I also saw the value in not stuffing myself with nutritious food until my stomach hurt. It became a month full and freedom and new hope for me! I started loosing a significant amount of weight AND I had energy again, for the first time in many years.

Once that month was over I continued to practice my new found self control and did very well at keeping myself from becoming an addict again. Since that time I have had ups and downs in dealing with this issue. I like sweets and I especially love to eat candy. It is a sin that at times tries very hard to ensare me again, but I now know that I am not in chains to it.

Living a healthy life and eating the right foods that support that type of a lifestyle has become one of my greatest passions, and I want it for my family too! We are by no means all about organics, but I am all about veggies and fruits unprocessed and raw (when it can be done). I LOVE that I have energy for being a mommy to an active toddler. I take almost every opportunity I can to play hard with my son (though during the course of writing this he has tried a couple of times to get me to come play with him), because right now I can! I falter a lot in eating the right foods and remembering to eat, but I have come a long way from where I used to be.

Praise be to God for re-directing my path of self-destruction! It was a nasty path to be on anyways.



p.s. I mentioned that I met my husband while working at the coffee shop. I brought that up so that I could say this: He loved me when I thought no one would because of my physical appearance. He later told me that he didn't even notice, that when he saw me for the first time all he saw was "beauty". God has a way of working out for us the things we deem as impossible, doesn't He? I thought no-one would want to marry me because of the way I looked, and yet here God was, giving me a good man during one of my most insecure times.

Another thing I could not live without...

The book of Romans



If I had to choose a favorite book of the Bible, or at least of the New Testament, I would choose Romans. I've heard it called, 'The mini Bible', because it has basically everything you would need to know about the Law of the O.T., as well as the grace offered through the New Covenant.

A couple of years ago Josh and I had the extreme privilege to study the book of Romans under a bible scholar. Of course he didn't go to school to become a bible scholar, but by God's divine ordination, he is indeed a learned student of the scriptures. When we first began the study I had asked him, "What keeps you so into reading the Bible?" At the time I was going through a hard season of disinterest with the Word, yet his undying love to study and know the scriptures played on the lonely notes of my heart. He told me, "There is so much in this book - I am fascinated by it". He also said that there is so much that the more he learns, the more he realizes he doesn't know. He was into digging real deep to discover the meanings, understand the culture and how it influenced the writer's writing, hear and know God's heart, and to reciprocate that to his brother's and sister's in Christ. He was, (and I hope still), PASSIONATE about the word and reading it.

God richly blessed me that summer. During the long study of Romans He impassioned my heart with His word too. I had no idea the Bible had so much in it for me personally! I was overwhelmed by God's grace as He poured out his Spirit and let me understand the hard writings of the book of Romans.

Since then my passion for the word has had it's ups and downs. The cares and worries of this life can so easily carry us believers away, but for this reason I rejoice in Romans chapters 7 and 8. If anyone understood the struggle of flesh against spirit it was the author of the book, Paul. I know this is true because although Paul was an incredibly godly man, his flesh and spirit still fought it out on a daily basis. The last half of Romans 7 is all about the "conflict of two natures" (as my Bible puts it), and whoa what a conflict it is! My spirit joyfully concurs with the Holy Spirit on all matters good, pure, and righteous. But my flesh is a devilish character, constantly combating the will of the Spirit in it's desires to do good, by 'looking out for number 1', playing the role of the disobedient nature, and down right evil in all it's intentions.

It is a weary battle.

And then the end of chapter 7 reads, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" Can't you just hear the desperation in his exclamation? Often when I read this I just automatically exchange the word man for woman, 'Wretched woman that I am!', and the thought continues, 'How can I say I am a Christian when I am so selfish with my time? Or when I am so lazy with my house hold duties? Or when I am preaching the message 'read your bibles and pray every day!', and yet how often do I actually do that myself' Oh the temptation to become overwhelmed by these thoughts is strong. But Paul, understanding the deep love, compassion, and grace of the Father does not end Chapter 7 on this despairing note.

"Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" I can almost hear it as if Paul were shouting it from the top of the mountains - there is that much freedom in this sentence. In modern terms I think it would go something like this, "Because of Jesus I do not have to be bound up by my sinful flesh! I am FREE to not feel guilty, to not mope about as though I have let God down, I am FREE to enjoy Him because I am a wretch and He knows that and still He wants to be with me!' O sweet freedom!

Then chapter 8 begins, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." And with those words my heart lets out a giant sigh of relief.

It is my daily struggle to be reminded of that truth, and not become overwhelmed with guilt of not being a "better" Christian. Yet if I am humble to come before Him and express my wretchedness with complete sincerity, He is faithful to bring these things to remembrance.

Awe the Book of Romans, where would I be with out you?

I love my miniature food processor!

One thing I could not live without....
My miniature food processor.



Why has this particular item struck me as "invaluable", something "I can not live with out", you may ask? Well for starters I don't have a big food processor, and it seems clear to me that every woman needs at least some size of food processor in their kitchen. I mean they are SO handy! Hey want some home made salsa? Toss in a couple tomatoes, green chilies, onions, lime juice, garlic and wa-la! The best salsa you ever did have *said with a southern accent*. Or how about the fact that with out it I could not make good whole raw foods for my baby boy? With only 6 teeth in his mouth, salad and bell peppers are a little tough to chew up and swallow. And seeing how I just recently learned that at least 51% of each meal ought to be 'raw', there would be no other way for Elias to get his daily 51% with out the handy dandy chopper upper!

So there you have it. Lets hear it for the mini. food processor's of the world! *hip! hip! Horray!* ;) yes I am silly like that.

I am head over heels...

...for a little boy named Elias.


He is the happiest baby I know. He smiles so big, loves his mommy indefinitely, and his daddy is his best buddy.

He is over 26 inches, and already 15 lbs!

About 3 weeks ago we started him on solids and he is loving them! Ok, well he hates green beans [but if I cover the flavor of them up with a little apple juice, it suddenly becomes the best thing he's ever eaten!]. Whenever I try to give him apple juice-less green beans he dives for the spoon, gobbles up the beans, and than sits back in his bumbo and cries. Its actually pretty funny. Other than green beans, he has eaten [and loved] rice cereal, bananas, watermelon, and oatmeal. We also let him try a starburst and he really liked that!

I can't believe that he is already 5 months. I swear every day he grows I have such mixed emotions. I feel both joy and sorrow.

Whenever he is going down for the night I cuddle him in the rocking chair until he starts to rub his adorable little eyes and drift off. He generally talks to me, and I sing to him. He mumbles and makes little noises like 'uhhh' or 'ahhh' - very monotone and even keel.

About a month ago, while nursing him, he reached up with his left arm and started waving it around in the air. I knew immediately what he was doing, and leaned my face forward so that he could find it with his 'searching' hand. I love love LOVE when he does this! I'm not sure what is motivating him to search for my face, or why he only does it with his left hand, but once he finds it he just rests his hand on my lips, cheek, or chin. Of course he can only keep it still for about 20 seconds, and than up and out his hand goes again, just to come back down and squash my face. Its very sweet. Its one of those memories I hope to always cherish and hold unto.

He rolls unto his tummy, and he is getting pretty close to sitting up, though right now he is mostly interested in chewing on his toes [sucking the right big toe, to be exact]. We'll try to sit him up and he will usually bend himself in half and reach for the feet in front of him. Last night Josh helped him with sitting up and we got a little of it on camera :)

Elias is such a sweet boy! I surely will miss his baby hood when it is all said and done. Even as I say that I fight back tears, realizing how quickly the time is going breaks my heart. It saddens me to think that in another year I will be back here, [hopefully], updating about what our 17 month old is up to.

The first month dragged like the last weeks of pregnancy. After we finally got nursing down, though, man time has flown by. I swear I was just taking his 4 months pictures, and already he needs his 5th month ones. I wish I could make time stand still, just for a little while. I often catch myself saying ,"I can't wait until...[such and such]" only to quickly correct myself and say, "I'm so excited for the day when Elias does...[such and such]". I don't want to breeze by these amazing moments too quickly. I don't want to waste a moment doing anything other than deeply and fully loving my son.

I honestly can't believe how much I adore him. It wasn't until this exact moment that I realize how much I love that little boy. He has fully and completely captured my heart.

I can't imagine him not being so beautiful and innocent, but I know that one day we will see that ugly sin nature come through.

O how I cherish all these things in my heart! O how I love Elias so much I could burst!

His daddy is pretty smitten over him as well. I am thankful for that though. Whenever Josh comes home for lunch or after work, the first thing he does is look for Elias. He kisses his perfect cheeks and talks to him in silly baby talk, and I just love to hear them interacting with one another. Elias loves his daddy too. He already gets excited whenever he walks into the room.

Its very sweet how Elias expresses his excitement. So far the best way to tell whether or not he is excited is to watch his hands and legs. His little wrists will sort of twist in circles and his fingers race up and down quickly as if he is playing piano. He also stretches both his arm's and leg's out stiff and just before the peak of his excitement his body calms a little, he takes in a deep breath, and with wide eyes he lets out an excited scream of delight! It really is so precious. Gosh I love that boy!!!

He still isn't one for crying much. Most of his crying really serves a very valid purpose, whether it be caused by hunger, pain, sadness, loneliness, or tiredness. Even when he cut both of his bottom teeth just last week, I would have had no idea it was happening had he not been tugging at his ear in the middle of the night. He never experienced any fevers, nor did his gums become swollen and red. I don't even remember him drooling more than usual. And like I said, if it hadn't been for him pulling at his ear after only being asleep for a couple of hours, I would have had no idea he was cutting a tooth. Now that the two bottom ones are in, however, there will certainly be no more chewing on mommy's fingers, ouch!

I love love love this little blessing so much! I can't even remember life before him, and it is difficult to remember what marriage to Josh was like before having Elias [which slightly bothers me].

There is no better job, for a woman, than to be called to mommyhood. I love this job. I love this life God has given us. I love it all!

An update!

I haven't done an update in quite awhile, so I thought I would go for it now!

Elias is closing in on 15 lbs, 27 inches, now. He had his first laugh on March 17th and is still giggling to this day. His hair is as fierce as ever, and growing in bleach blonde. His beautiful round eyes are still blue, and a very deep dark blue. I don't know anyone else who has eyes as beautiful, but of course I may be biased. He is blowing raspberries, grabbing his feet, jabbering his head off, and oh yea, complaining. I actually think it is pretty funny when he complains. His whole little face gets all frustrated and he lets out a sort of scream cry. Its one of those noises that make a mom go, 'O no Elias, that is not nice'.
He started rolling over just two weeks ago. His favorite is to try to roll while his mommy is trying to pin on his diaper, great timing kid ;) Only once has he rolled from his back to his stomach again, and only once has he rolled over twice, but he is getting it down. The one time that he rolled twice, he was completely naked, waiting for his momma to diaper and pajama him. It was quite funny, actually, because I turned around to grab a diaper and as soon as I did I heard the sound of plastic bag rustling, (and if you have ever noticed this about Elias, he hates the sound of a plastic bag rustling). Well of course I quickly turned around to see that a Mr. buck naked Elias had almost rolled himself completely under his crib and right into a plastic bag. I don't think he was intending on moving that quickly, because his eyes were as wide as they could be and his little arms and legs were straight out like as if he had been startled. So I laughed, rather loudly :) I think that he can really get going whenever he doesn't have a big ol bulky cloth diaper on.
He is a pleasant little person to be around, unless he is tired, hungry and not getting fed, or waking up from some of his naps. I love him so much it is ridiculous and Josh and I are beginning to see why it is so great to be parents :)

Josh is still at the church working as a pastoral intern and teaching Jr. High. He is praying about us starting up a small group, and also praying about leading the men's ministry at the church. He has such a firey passion to see the men in the church having a real and alive relationship with Jesus. He also has a hard time tolerating men being lazy and not the spiritual leaders God has called them to be.
He is growing in the LORD every day and I am so incredibly blessed to watch it happen.

As for me, I've begun a new commitment with God. The commitment consists of me making time for an hour long appointment with Him, and simply not breaking it for anything. The inspiration came when on Friday evening I heard Becky Tirabassi's testimony. She was saved out of an alcoholic life, where drugs and partying were also the usual, and was so on fire for Christ. She works with Youth for Christ, is married and has one son. The thing that got me, while listening to her story, was that after being a christian for a number of years she noticed a sourness in her heart. She said that she was bitter, overweight, and not the kind of christian that would make non-christians want what she had. At a conference for youth leaders the bombarding message was that the most important thing to youth ministry was that the leaders spent much time in prayer. Becky said she was thrown back, since she had always thought kids needed 'fun and excitement', and because her own life didn't consist of much prayer time with God. As a result of that conference she decided she was going to, for the rest of her life, spend an hour a day in prayer, and that was over 20 years ago.
On Friday night I too made that commitment. Becky challenged the many young people listening, (it was a previously recorded message from a time she was talking to a group of young un-married believers), to do the same saying that it wasn't about convenience, but about making a commitment and keeping your word. So with God's help, I am going to keep my commitment.
I'd challenge you all to do the same, as you can only reap un-countable blessings from doing so.

This morning I prayed and eventually found myself in John 15, where Jesus speaks about being the vine and we are the branches. "...apart from Me you can do nothing", vs. 5.
I can no absolutely nothing good with out Christ, including keeping my commitment.


So that is pretty much sums up the high lights of all that is happening lately. Josh are still learning how to be both a couple and parents. I am enjoying my renewed spirit in Christ. Josh is finding passion in teaching. And our happy little man is well, happy :D What more could a family ask for?

Cloth Diapering...

Could I do it any other way?

I think not! Though I did try disposables for about a month.
And they really weren't all that bad, though quite stinky (I believe it was the type of diaper, not just because they are disposies).

So far Elias lives in flats and plastic pants, although he does have a couple pairs of homemade longies, (thanks to Allison and Cathy - you sisters are awesome!), and 4 pairs of something made by Wonder Works. I tried to figure out what they are, and I believe they are pocket diapers (or something along those lines). So since Elias is sorely low on covers (and well, what is a cloth diaper with out a cover to keep in all the nasties?) I typed "make your own diaper cover", into google's search bar.

Now I am stoked to get started on what I discovered! Mind you, at the sewing machine I really have no idea what I am doing, but I have faith in a few good friends, (that don't yet know about this), who are wizzes with their machines!

So in honor of my new "love", I thought I would post up the sites with the patterns I've come across so that if any of you ladies are interested, you can try them out yourself. If you do, please let me know how they turn out! As soon as I get to Goodwill, print out the patterns, and have someone teach me what a 'zig zag stitch' is, I'll post pictures of the finished product and give you a little report on my experience :)

K so here are the sites:

http://katrinassqs.blogspot.com/2007/10/free-soaker-pattern.html <- she has a TON of patterns. Ok, well she has more than one. And I am very excited about trying her fleece pattern!

http://marthasworld76.blogspot.com/2007/05/how-to-make-wool-soaker-from-recycled.html
<- cute way of making longies

http://www.borntolove.com/frugal-column2.html <- though it seems that the directions are missing some possible key points, I am excited to try out her method. Another site directed me to her's and that woman said these were exceptionally easy.


Woo-hoo! Now who wants to teach me how to sew?!

Happy baby boy

Birth story of an almost homebirth

Elias James, Jan. 4th, 7:33 a.m. 9 lbs 2 oz 21 in, one small tear that needed a stitch, and no episiotomy :)



My son was 'due' December 24th, but other than BH, there were no signs labor was soon approaching. Finally on the morning of Jan. 2nd I woke up with a bit of show. I was so excited I immediately called my MW and doula! They both were greatly encouraged, seeing how this first baby of mine was taking awhile to show any signs that he would actually come out.

By 7, that night, I felt my first real contraction. My DH and I were watching a movie while I bounced around on the exercise ball, (baby was turned around and face up). I didn't tell him right away, but waited about a half an hour to see if these ones were the real deal. When I told him, my DH was so excited he said that we needed to call my mom, who lives in AK, and tell her to catch the next flight! I told him we needed to time them first, than call the MW, than if after we talked she thinks this was real labor, maybe than call my mom.

7:30 we started timing them and the time between was by no means consistent, but they were still coming! *thank the Lord*! We called the MW, she said it sounded like labor, told me to call my mom, and try to get some sleep.

I tried to lay down in the bed but there was a terrible constant pain in my lower back. So instead I sat upright on the couch and tried my best to sleep. I did pretty well, though every once in awhile a really strong contraction would rudely awaken me

By 8 the next day, (the 3rd), my in-laws were picking up my mom from the airport and coming back to our place. My mom rushed into the apartment, gave me a BIG kiss on the head and I instantly felt as though I could now have my baby.

We were planning on having the baby out our doula/friend's house, so we packed everything up and by 10:30 a.m. were on our way. At this point contractions were getting stronger, but I could talk through 96% of them.

We arrived at my doula's, and began setting everything up.

Timed contractions again and by the afternoon they were about 6 - 7 min. apart, and still totally bearable. I mean so much so that I even thought, 'well if this is labor, I am definitely made to have babies!' Little did I know, the tough stuff just hadn't showed up yet

My wonderful support team, (minus the MW, she didn't come until about 6 pm), took wonderful care of me during this super easy part of labor. I mean they were awesome at distracting me from the pain, talking with me, checking on me, feeding me, and making me go to the bathroom every hour on the hour.

About 3 we timed contractions again. They had spread out a little, but were getting more powerful. The spasm in my back also continued to get more intense. My support team were taking turns trying desperately to get the muscle to calm down, but all their efforts only aggravated it more. When this first began I thought it was back labor, but after I described it to my MW, she said that it was just some lumbar muscle that I must have strained sometime before labor began. Needless to say, I was not so happy about this added pain.

3:30 the whole house decided to take a nap. I tried also, but contractions were now strong enough that I could not sleep. I could still enjoy the company of other's, so I sat up with my doula and she prayed over my back. I think I remember it letting up a little, but not for long.

During all this the baby was still not rotating.

6 p.m. (ish), my MW arrives and decides she wants to check me. Because of testing pos. for Group B Strep, this was the first time I had been checked during this pregnancy. Amazingly I was already 100% effaced and at a "stretchable" 6 cm. My MW was impressed. She said that whatever my body had been doing for the weeks leading up to actual labor, had worked! I was pretty impressed too, seeing how labor still really wasn't hurting and I was more than half way there to having my baby. While checking me she tried her best to turn the baby, but he wouldn't budge. She also predicted he would be about 8-14, and said I had "plenty" of room to have this baby. She strapped me to the monitors, and baby's heart beat was strong, before, during, and after, contractions. There were no worries what-so-ever, this baby and his mama were doing great!

After she checked me, we sat down to have a little talk about the distance my doula's home was from the nearest hospital. Unknowingly we were planning to have this baby about 20 miles from any hospital, a distance that was just not comfortable for my MW. So after talking, I decided to take us all back to mine and DH's apartment. Also during our hour long conversation labor suddenly became more intense than anything I had ever felt before. My legs began to shake and I rocked my hips back and forth while holding fastly to the bed post. I also started breathing deeper and with more intention than before. It was good that I was warned this was going to happen, seeing how my MW had said that checking me was probably going to speed up labor. To that all I can say, "um. Yes it did!"

So while everyone was eating dinner, my wonderful DH announced, for me, that we were going to head back to our place. My support team, again showing me how wonderful they were, quickly re-packed everything and put it, and me, in the car. The ride back was quite a bit more difficult than the ride out. DH hit a couple of bumps that made me cringe a bit, but that was unfortunate seeing how it only seemed to happen right at the peak of a contraction

By 8:30 (ish) we were back home. I got down on hands and knees to try to get the baby to wiggle himself free from his unfavorable position. My mom popped in a DVD slideshow of pictures from the brother's wedding that I had missed (due to being too close to due day), and my water broke. I was rocking my hips and felt a huge contraction. With the contraction came a intense pressure. At first I thought the pressure was gas, and I was mortified that I might 'fart' in front of all these people, (yes I am that kind of a women that no one, and I mean NO ONE, hears me toot - which is what I prefer to call it). At the peak of the contraction and pressure feeling, and me with a scared look of pain and embarrassment, a big huge gush of water came flowing. I told everyone that it was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt before in my life, and well, it was, at least up until the part when the baby came out.

They quickly helped me out of my laboring pajamas and started the bath. I wasn't sure if I was having the baby in the water, but I at least wanted to be in it since I knew labor was just about to get a whole lot harder.

At 9 (ish) I got into the tub, and from about there on than on out, all things are a blur of time, faces, and pain. At some point during being in the tub I was given cut up apples with peanut butter, on a plate. I don't even think I ate one of the slices, (such a waste!), because later I saw a picture & it was put aside and it looked like everything was still on it from when it was given to me.

About 10 they got me out the tub to go to the bathroom again. I would have to admit that going to the bathroom, during labor, was one of my least favorite memories. For some reason it just made all the pain that much worse whenever I had to squat down to meet the toilet. After that not working out, they helped me change into something dry and than my mom lead me the 5 feet from the bathroom to the bedroom. Now contractions were definitely strong enough that without her strong arms holding me up, I would not have been able to walk to the bedroom.

In the bed room they started me trying lots of different positions to get the baby to move. He was not only backwards, but also higher than they would have liked to see this far into labor.

With my hubby in front of me, his knees on the ground, leaning forward on to the bed, I got on my hands and knees and held tightly unto his hands. This was probably my favorite memory from labor. Though it was hard, and everything a blur, as long as my husband was right there, right in front of me with his forehead against mine, I felt I could handle the pain. Later we moved to me sitting on the bed, on my knees, & sort of propped up against him while he sat on the exercise ball behind me, this I also liked. They checked me again and though it had only been a couple hours since my water broke, I was 9 cm with just a lip - anytime now! In fact they thought for sure I would have the baby by midnight.

Midnight of Jan. 4th rolls around and we're still doing the same dance, propped up against my hubby. My MW asked me if I wanted to get up and go pee again, but seeing how I hadn't been having any luck with that, she asked if I would prefer to do a catheter. And seeing how I absolutely despised trying to sit on the toilet, I opted for the cath. Unfortunately it didn't quite work out, because the baby's head was sitting on my urethra. My MW said that she could feel the tube hitting his head as she tried to put it in, and it just couldn't push past it. We did our best, though, and my bladder emptied a little, but I still had quite the pooch of what would not come out. By this time the baby had finally moved a little, now he was sideways, but she couldn't tell which way he was facing. He had so much hair that my MW could not find the fontanel line.

So they threw me back in the tub, this time with all the lights off, no people around, and me with my back pressed against the wall and my legs up, as if they were in stir ups. My MW sat in front of me and helped me hold my position by being the brace I pressed my feet against. She said this was a sure fire way of getting the baby to turn the rest of the way because my hips were most open in this position. I have to tell you though, it was extremely painful. I don't know if that was the case because of the awkwardness of the position, or because the baby was moving, or because now I was in the transition faze and nothing seemed to be happening, but regardless, during this time is when I felt as though I could not handle anymore. Later my husband came in and I told him that I thought I needed to go to the hospital because I needed an epidural. Being the wonderful, and practical, man that he is, he loving encouraged me that I "could do this".

My MW also helped me during this time by talking me through what I was feeling, and what was now happening in my body. She would tell me to just relax every muscle in my body, all the muscles that are not needed for getting the baby out, let your arms go limp, release the tension in your back, and breath deep. She told me to work with the baby, feel him turning inside, try to help him turn by relaxing everything. If it had not been for her in there to talk me through that part, I know for certain I would have had them call the ambulance, it really was that unbearable.

Now I must give glory to God at this point, because He really was with me through every single step of the way. I felt His presence holding me up, strengthening and encouraging me through out the entire labor. At this point in the tub my contractions were pretty much back to back, and so overwhelmingly powerful that in my mind I would cry out to God and ask Him for give me a break. I would cry out, and He would respond. Everytime I asked for a break, He gave it to me. It was like He was saying, "I am right here my beloved, I'm not leaving you alone in this very difficult place. Here is a break, so that you can re-gain your strength and continue on." During these breaks, however long they were, I would literally fall asleep. It had been over 24 hours since first contraction, and at least 8 since my water broke, and I really was exhausted. Whoever was in there, when I fell asleep, would tell me to wake up because they were afraid I would slump over and hit my head on the tub. But back to the main point, God, the living and real and powerful God, the one who hears when His children cry out to Him, was with me and lovingly giving me everything I needed to successfully labor! I could have possibly labored without my support team, but there is no way I could have done it without my Savior.

3 hours after getting into the tub I asked the MW's assistant what was going to happen next. I needed to know because I needed to know that I wasn't going to feel that much pain for too much longer. With a kind and confident smile she told me, "Next the baby comes." I than asked her what else I could do, because I had had enough of being in the tub.

By 5 am I was back in the bed room, and told the MW's assistant that I felt like I needed to push. She checked me and said I was 9 cm with that same small lip, but go ahead and do what felt naturally (thank you! This is one of the reasons I wanted a home birth, 'do what feels natural to do' - thank you!) She also felt for the baby's position and he had turned! Praise God!

I started pushing, and they woke everyone up. My mom was the only one who had stayed awake the entirety of my labor with me, but I am glad that the rest had gotten a little sleep.

5:30 - I pushed and out came a green'ish colored fluid. It immediately put up a red flag for my MW. Fortunately I didn't know green fluid meant meconium, nor did I even see it because my eyes were closed. In a calm voice my MW asked me not to push until she could put the monitors over my belly. Still I had no idea about the green fluid. The baby's heart beat was good and strong, except for when I pushed. I would push, his heart beat would sink, and than it took a very long time to return to where it should be. They began switching my positions. I started upright, and would squat down with someone pushing my hips into eachother. We than moved me on the floor on hands and knees. And than on my side, and than on my back, anything that would help the baby through me pushing. Eventually my MW just told me, "don't push on the next contraction". For all your mom's who have done this naturally, can you imagine being told that? I said I couldn't, she said she just wanted to see how the baby handled the contraction when I didn't push with it. Fortunately whenever I did not push, and just heavily breathed through the contraction, he was fine. Than she said, "ok go ahead and push on the next one". I pushed and the heart beat plummeted further, and struggled to return. We did this sequence one more time before she told me to stop pushing, and she was calling the ambulance.

The fire truck was there in like 5 minutes. They tried to IV me, all the while I am breathing in oxygen, which my MW put on me for the baby's sake, and blowing it out like a horse does when he waves his lips in the air.

The ambulance was there with in a half hour, and would have been sooner but someone in a more stressful situation needed them first. They came, loaded me up on the stretcher, ran me outside, my hubby hopped in the front and we were on our way. At one point I asked the very kind gentleman inside if I was going to have to have a C-sec. Of course he told me he didn't know, and that they were taking me to L&D. Than I felt the ambulance stop. I knew that we weren't at the hospital yet, so I asked, "I didn't know ambulances stopped at stop lights?" He told me, "Pregnancy isn't imminent" I had never heard that word before, but I immediately knew what he meant. I was not in an 'emergency' situation, and there fore we stopped at stop lights. I also asked him why there wasn't any sirens. Shortly after that they turned them on and sped up the pace. I think they began to feel sorry for me, I was quite the mess.

We arrived at the hospital and I was met with one of the kindest and most gentle smiles I had ever seen, Marylee, my nurse.

My support team arrived shortly thereafter and piled in the room. There were at least 6 hospital staff, and 6 people from my support team, so 12 people watched me give birth to my son. It is a very good thing that when you get to that point you no longer care who is in the room. I really would have been embarrassed had that been the same scene, 12 hours earlier.

They laid me on my back, started putting the equipment on, and transfered my IV, all while I was still breathing like a banshee. Than after being there for about 5 minutes I asked them what they wanted me to do. I was told that on the next contraction, go ahead and push - such sweet music to my ears! I had been told for the last hour, 'don't push'. Now I was finally getting the chance to let go of all that built up energy and push! So as the words, 'go ahead and push' were coming out of their mouth, I pushed with the force of a cannon ball coming out of a cannon. It must have done something big, because the next thing I heard was, 'prepping for an episiotomy'. I'm assuming the baby must have been crowning, and I'm sure someone told me this, but all I could hear was that dreaded 'E' word. No sooner had I heard it I turned to my MW and in desperation yelled, "M------ I don't want an episiotomy!", to which she replied, "Hunny if I were delivering this baby, I would do an episiotomy" (later I found out that the reason she said this was because she knew it was a big baby, and because he wasn't coming out so quickly/easily). I looked down at the Dr. and I watched something immediately change in his thought process. He was looking at the MW, put down the scapple, and began stretching me. Now I don't know if he heard me, or my MW's response, but either way, something made him change his mind, and I am ever so grateful!

I pushed, baby's head crowned, I pushed, baby's head came out, they stuck the tube down (he bit the Dr.'s finger when this happened), sucked out the meconium, pushed a few more times and with in 15 minutes of arriving at the hospital my beautiful son was born.

Now that was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. Not for any reason except the immense relief that I didn't have to be in labor, anymore.

I didn't get to hold him right away, and forever I will morn that moment. They clamped and cut the cord and within 5 minutes were giving me a shot of pit. and literally pulling out the placenta. The Dr. looked at it, saw nothing was wrong, and than it was gone.

My son was just a few feet off, sitting under a bright light, crying, aggressively throwing his arms and legs around, and I laid in the bed, unable to even figure out what now was going on. They let me kiss his cheek before they took him away to the infant room - the softest cheek I have ever felt. They x-rayed his chest, and gave him some antibiotics for the Group B Strep.

While the baby was away I looked outside to notice that the sun had begun to rise. When I saw it, I was so puzzled that I had to ask, "why is the sun coming up at night?" Than I was told that it wasn't night, any longer, it was 7:30 in the morning. Which than made me think, wow, what an amazing way to start the day! What an incredible example of starting a new life, one with a new little person in our lives.

An hour or so later they brought him back and I finally got to look at his beautiful face, and smell his sweet skin. His daddy had gone with him, and stayed with him, right next to him the whole time he was away. Than baby, daddy, and I enjoyed our first few moments of being a family. It was a beautiful time, all three of us bonding.

I know I did not get to have my full home birth, but I did get as much out of it that I possibly could, considering the circumstances.

When the MW and I talked later, I learned the reasons why she felt it necessary to call 911. She said that although he had been doing so good for so long, something changed when I pushed. She said it could have been an elbow to the groin, a little too much 'squished' feeling, or something more serious, but whatever it was that happened, it scared my son so badly that he pooped his pants. She said it was the type of meconium that set off 'alarms', and the fact that he was working hard to conserve his oxygen after I pushed, that made her call the ambulance. When he came out at 9 lbs, 2 oz's, 21 in' long, and scoring 8's on is apgars, we now know that he probably wasn't really in danger, but it was more than likely a position problem for him, (ie. elbow to the groin, or something along those lines). Of course we had no way of knowing that before he came, so alas, we had to make the transfer.

Going away from this whole experience I have learned many things. 1) I loved laboring at home, 2) but I don't know if I can handle it again 3) but I didn't much care for how I was taken care of in the hospital 4) so I will probably bear the pain, and have a homebirth on the next baby

I hope that this rather long story is in some way, a help, or an encouragement to one of you ladies. I know that I wasn't against having my son in a hospital, so when we had to make the transfer, I thought that it was ironic. Unfortunately many of the people around me are even more against homebirths after hearing that mine didn't happen that way, but hey, this is what God wanted for our family, and I am blessed to have such an amazing story with a happy ending. I just hope to change their perspectives when the next baby comes along

My brain is melting....

....from all the amazing things I've been learning today!!!

BTW, where is the cool fonts, and other things that used to be available when posting? I hope that blogger hasn't down graded us who aren't paying for their site.

But back to what my brain is melting about.

Monday night we were in our Heart for Ministry class, going through the book of Acts, when a question came up about the Holy Spirit. I can't remember the question exactly, but the discussion basically revolved around whether or not receiving the Holy Spirit, (as in the baptism of the H.S.), happens at conversion, or at a later time.
So I sat my self down at the comp., opened up Josh's bible software program, and my Bible, and began to read through the book of Acts.

In my notebook I posed three questions:
1) When a person is saved, do the receive the H.S. at that same time?
2) If that is the case, what does the Bible mean when the H.S. 'falls upon' or 'fills' a person?
3) What is/are the result(s) of the H.S. doing these things? (ie.: 'falling upon', 'filling', a person 'receiving', 'pouring out upon', etc.)

I than spent the rest of the day, up until about an hour ago, searching just through Acts to see if these questions could be answered.

After several pages of notes, I have come to the conclusion that indeed the gifting of the Holy Spirit is a separate event from a person being saved. Now I must tell you, this completely rocks my mind, and for one solid reason: not only do we receive Jesus and are baptized in His name, but we are also given another gift, the gift of the Holy Spirit to empower our lives to share the good news of the gospel. I mean seriously, do we need any other gifts other than salvation? Already we don't deserve that! But than for God to be so gracious as to give us His Holy Spirit to enable us to go and do the things He has created us to do....ah its just too much!

I also learned that the words used for describing how the gift is delivered, really doesn't make a difference. Before searching all this out, I wondered if a person received the H.S. first, (when they were saved), and than later, (at God's appointed time), the H.S. would come upon them in a different way, empowering them to do His good works. Well it turns out that I don't know how the H.S. works in the life of a new believer who has yet to be baptized in the H.S., but I do know that whenever they use the words 'receive' or 'filled', or phrases like 'fell upon', or 'poured out', in the book of Acts, its all pointing to the same event: The Holy Spirit has come to empower a believer to do things that beforehand were not possible for them to do.

In answer to the 3rd question, I found out that SO many things happen when the H.S. is poured out on the believer. Sometimes people would speak in tongues afterwards, others would prophesy, some saw visions and dreamed dreams, many were given boldness to preach the gospel and stand up to the religious leaders even though they faced certain persecution, and some were enabled to perform signs and wonders of healing and raising the dead back to life. Basically all pretty incredible stuff, stuff that I believe God still wants to be doing in us today.

And with that last statement, my mind begins to wonder if the reason we often don't see these things happening is because we believers are not being baptized in the Holy Spirit? I mean if it is by this baptism that all these things happen, and none before in the individual, shouldn't we eagerly desire to also be baptized in the H.S.?

Thinking that also brought another thought to my mind. If that is the case, have I been baptized in the Holy Spirit? Is the reason I lack the boldness to share Christ with other because I have yet to receive this gift? Is the reason that I am afraid of persecution because I have yet to have the Holy Spirit poured out on me? I must tell you, I do not know. I feel I may know the answer, but I also think I must spend more time in prayer before I know for certain. Whatever the answer turns out being this much I know is true....I do NOT want to be an ineffective christian. A person who goes to church on Sunday, and during the week locks myself up in my apartment where I am comfortable and safe.

I wish so much that I could share in more detail what God has shown me, but in all honesty, Its still sinking in for me at this time.

If you have any questions about this, please ask me! Like I said I have lots of notes, and if anyone is interested, I will share them with you.

God bless you and I pray He intrigues your heart so that you seek out the things of God that are still a mystery to you.