Just a thought...

This lovely little blurb was sent to me via. e-mail and I just thought, would I really want to do this?

"Record your weight and waistline each week
Be sure to record your weight and waistline measurements each week in your journal to track the amazing changes your body will go through in the next few months. Keep track of those roller coaster feelings, too. They will make you smile, years from now."

I like how they speak so positively about gaining weight. You just don't hear that very often :)

I mean maybe I would want to if my expanding belly were due to a baby growing too big for my mid-section. But as of right now, I think I would just get upset, haha!
All last night I kept rubbing my belly 'cause its already sticking out. Unfortunately I know its not because a baby is pushing up, but its more then likely; A) bloating, B) water weight, or C) whatever else my body is doing these days. Actually I have been thinking about this...I have an obviously short waist. So I know that whenever I put on a 'little' weight in my mid-section, it looks like a ton. I always figured this was because being a short waisted person, the fat only has so much area to spread out over. So if that is true, could it be that I would be showing sooner than maybe a long waisted person? I have no scientific proof to prove this, but honestly, my belly really is sticking out significantly further than it was before I was pregnant. You can even ask Josh, he pats and rubs my belly now :)
Anyways that is all I wanted to say for now. I know its short, but it was a thought I had that I felt like sharing with the world, (or at least the handful of you that read this ).
Blessings to all!

Amazed by God

This I have read from the LORD's word today. And this is what I've learned of His deep deep love for His children.

I picked up my bible to read Psalms. A while ago I decided to read through them, one by one, on a daily basis. Until yesterday, when I returned to reading them again, I had been very slack in keeping up with my decision. I reread yesterday's Psalm, (Ps. 39), and proceeded to Ps. 40 for today. A verse in there, that I had previously highlighted, caught my attention, as the verse was kind've confusing to me. It reads;

"Then I said, 'Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God;
Your Law is within my heart.'" Ps. 40:7&8

This is a Ps. by David, so what perplexed me was why David would be writing such a profound statement about himself. I know David to be a regular man, just like I am a regular woman, so I wondered what scroll he could possibly be talking about.
After finishing the Ps., and soon forgetting these verses, I noticed I had still enough time to read something from the N.T.
Last night Pastor Ken mentioned Hebrews 1, and though I couldn't recall why he did, I did remember that because of what he said, I wanted to read it. I worked my way through Heb. 1, (mind you it is not a book I usually or even recently have turned to), and because of some of the inner struggles of my heart, I read more of Heb. I decided what to read by looking over the sub-titles given throughout the chapters. I read a few verses and a couple paragraphs and was about to close up my bible when this sub-title stuck out to me, "One Sacrifice of Christ is Sufficient". I probably would have never taken a second look except that during worship we sang "It is Well With My Soul'', (again, not a usual worship song we sing). One line of that song spoke powerfully to my heart, and filled me with such overwhelming gratitude for my Savior. It's the line that says, "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more". In all the hurt and confusion of my heart, I knew one thing to be undeniably true, my sin, not in part but in whole, has been nailed to the cross and I bear it no more! In this I found the freedom and joy to truly worship my Savior, despite whether I felt like it or not. Being reminded of this blessed time of worship, the sub-title for Heb. seemed of particular interest to me.
Reading down chapter 10, I came to verse 7;

"Then I said, 'Behold I have come
(In the scroll of the book it is written of Me)
To do Your will, O God'."

(These being capitalized words referring to Christ speaking of Himself.)
I had to do a double take. I said, "'Really God?" Flipping back to Ps. 40:7&8 I read the same words! Then I said, "You really want to be that personal with me?" And with that thought came a continuous chorus of, "Thank You! Thank You!", and many tears of relief.
I have been feeling really kind of lost of God. I have felt as though I know He is real and powerful, but I have not felt the intimacy of His nearness. Even late last night, as Josh and I were reading our Night Light devotional, it asked how we have seen the power of prayer. I honestly had no answer. Yes I pray, yes I believe God will answer those prayers, for I know He hears them. But to actually remember a time where God's hand personally came down and did a miracle before my eyes, I could not remember the last time. And than with one fail swoop, He reached down and touched my weary heart.
This is my response to His goodness to me:

Thank You my heavenly Father! Thank You for knowing and hearing my heart, and encouraing me this day!
I love you God I love you I love you!
Thank You Holy Spirit for guiding and directing my path. I know You were preparing me for something marvelous, and this is certainly marvelous!
I love You LORD! My God, My King!
You have refreshed and renewed my weary heart!

As with most of my posts, or at least parts of them, I hope that today this encourages you in some way. It might seem like a small thing to come across these scriptures, and to tell you the truth, I haven't even looked again to see what they are actually saying. It's just the fact that my God wanted to be near to me today, that He wanted to encourage my weary heart, that He lead me through a rough season to bring me to a place of utter gratitude and humility...for these reasons I am in 'Awe' of His compassion. He saw His child hurting, and in the last few minutes of her quiet time, came to her in a personal way and gave her hope. Isn't He amazing?

Since its been 2 months and 1 day...

...since my last blog, I figured I'd actually come back to this little place and write something, hopefully of interest to someone :)

How about we begin with the fact that I am, um pregnant! Yep and pretty much everyone who'll read this already knows that. But lets pretend for a minute that I just found out and am telling you for the first time. That way it will be like we are sharing in *the moment* once again. I don't know why we would do that, but I feel rather lame for not writing about finding out, when I did. I mean, don't most women do that? As in a way of concreting all the excitement and emotions that come with finding out great and big news? Maybe I'll be better about blogging when we find out the sex of the baby. Since we're sort of on the topic, and I've always been curious about this...lets take a poll; do you or do you not like it when you find out great and exciting news over something like an Internet blog? (I'll vote first, since I'm sitting here while the question is being asked), I LOVE finding out stuff over avenues like people's personal blogs, or web accounts like facebook/myspace! I mean seriously, do I even get on here to do anything other than to check up on the happenings of my friend's lives? Nope I really don't. Which is probably obvious since I don't ever blog. (Now here is the truth, if you blogged everyday, well shoot I'd be signing in just to check out what you had to say! But if I sign on and no one has written anything about their life, more than likely I'll sign off and that's the extent of my Internet use for the day. In other words, you ladies blogging about your lives *inspires* me to write about my own. With out your *inspiration*, I don't write anything. And apparently that's because I don't possess any *inspiration* of my own. Now did that *inspire* any of you to blog? :) Its almost like a nonchalant guilt trip, except I'm not that conniving, so it isn't.

I sure hope I haven't lost you so far.

Anyways that wasn't the direction I was planning on going when I got here. What I ACTUALLY wanted to write about was how I found out I was pregnant, (and how Josh found out too)....

It all started when I missed my 'you know what'. The thing is, Josh and I had wanted to start 'trying', but after 2 months we both decided that I should go back on birth control, (there is a good reason, but I don't wanna get into it now. Ask me later if you are interested). I took two days worth of the pill, and than expected to see my period. Well since taking BC at any random time during the month can throw your cycle off a few days I thought nothing of missing Mr. tom. I needed some blood flow regulators (i.e. tamps - sorry to any guy that is reading this, I'm trying to be as modest as possible) and since the pregnancy tests are on the same aisle...I picked one up. Those being the only two items I was purchasing, I commented to the cashier that the blood flow regulators were back up, in case the test came out negative (I don't know why, but I just felt like I had to give an explanation for buying only those two things). Anyways I went home, took the test and WHOA! Instantly my eyes began to fill with tears. I just kept staring at it going 'no way! no way!' I was crying like a little kid who just couldn't get enough air in to counteract his hyperventilating, and walking quickly through the house, back and forth saying 'no way! no way!' I was so glad Josh wasn't there, cause there is no way he would've understood my reaction. I didn't even understand my reaction! I don't know why I was crying, it wasn't like overwhelming tears of joy. I think it was more like my body going through shock or somethin. I mean what do you think when you find out your pregnant, and even though you were planning on it, it still totally takes you by surprise? Yea I pretty much just didn't know how to react. By the time Josh came home from youth group, I had cleaned up the whole apt, put a clean white table cloth on the table, wrapped up the test in a Christmas tin, and turned on the Christmas lights that were still up. I also set up the camcorder so that I could catch his reaction on film. I haven't watched it to see how well it caught everything, but man o man I hope it got his smile! On the top of the Christmas tin I put one of those 'To: From:' stickers and wrote 'To: my love for life From:your wife - Merry Christmas'. Needless to say he was pretty confused. He was like 'why am I opening a Christmas present in April?' I told him I had gotten it for him when I was at the store and was *so excited* about it that I couldn't wait for Christmas to give it to him. His reaction was nicer than mine. He didn't cry and pace around like a crazy person. He laughed and smiled with abundant joy, it was like our wedding day all over. He also kept saying 'wow! wow!', which I think was also much better than my disbelieving 'no way! no way!' Everyday he tells me how excited he is to be a daddy and I can't express enough how grateful I am for such a man :D

I know I wrote a lot, (again), but I just really really wanted to get down this incredible experience. I'm sure I want forget it, but there is something so fun about coming back, at some point in the future, and reading things like this. It's like how the Israelites set up rock monuments to 'never forget' what God had done for them in different circumstances of their lives. I guess that really is what this blog is for me. It is a a mound of rocks, a monument that I can return to and read, and remember the goodness of the LORD. I hope it brings some smiles to your faces too :)

And with that all said, I sign off to go on to do something probably not nearly as fun as blogging, but needs to be done nonetheless.

Toodles!

What an interesting week this has been.

All week long I have been fighting with deep feelings of discontentment with my jobs.

Awhile back a man at church was talking to Josh and I and mentioned that he would soon be looking for a secretary. Josh instantly said something along the lines of, "Audra you should do it!" And I replied to him, "Why? I like my jobs why would I quit?" Needless to say, Josh was kind'a confused why I wouldn't want the job he thought sounded so exciting.

Time passed, and a couple Sunday's ago our buddy Joe was walking by and said, "Hey Aaron is looking for you two and wants to know if Audra is still interested in that secretary position?" Again Josh became extremely excited and looked at me with a big smile. I looked back at him with a largely sarcastic grin. And again I thought to myself, I never wanted that job in the first place. why would I want that job? I like my jobs and so if I like them, why would I even consider something else? Josh and I have the same schedule, I only work a few hours a day, all is super great with how it is right now!

Last Sunday (so 5 days ago) Josh and I got into the car after church, and before we were home he told me that we needed to talk about something that I didn't want to talk about. Immediately I thought, he is going to ask me to quit working, again (he has been asking me to quit for a little while now. But we talked and he said that it made sense that I work while we didn't have children for me to tend to. So I thought that was all figured out). I knew it couldn't be him telling me he was ready for children, so he wanted me to consider offing my birth control, ('cause that was another topic of previous discussion). So I waited patiently 'till we were home. Then over a big, (and I mean cookie sheet big), thing of nachos Josh shared his heart with me.

He said he felt very confidently that God wanted me to quit working as a barista and work as a secretary for Aaron's company. I was kind've surprised, it wasn't what I was expecting, and again my instant reaction was "well I don't want to". But at the same time I knew that if this truly was God (and I have no reason to believe my husband would use God as a way of manipulating me into doing something) telling Josh this, that God would tell me the same thing. I told him I would pray and see if God confirmed the same thing to me, though I still just couldn't imagine quitting. And Guess what God did? He confirmed it. I looked for His answer in so many places, and it wasn't until praying with Barb at our church that God showed me the answer would only come through my submitting to my husband. Until this very moment, as I write this, I didn't think he had confirmed anything in me. I now realize that He has answered my requests of Him to give me the same confidence as Josh, through my discontent heart at work. I mean this week has been excruciatingly difficult to get through. I have been late to work everyday, to both jobs. I have been frustrated with little things, upset with customer's attitudes, and even judging and thinking I don't want to help them because they are like ____ fill in the blank. Whatever I could come up with, for a reason to not want to serve them, I did.

So today I broke the news to the bosses. They took it really well, and even though I turned about twenty shades red I am glad I told them. I'm praying for Louise, one of the bosses. She is pretty much all by herself at her shop. I mean, I am the only other employee, and she needs at least one person to do what she has me do. I had the opportunity to pray with her the other day (off topic, but an awesome one and the next one I am going to!)

She is overwhelmed with her husband's health problems and work issues and money and and and....the list probably goes on. I knew I should pray with her, but boy I was nervous! God gave the wide open opportunity though, and I think today we saw it answered. I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself just yet, since she hasn't made the necessary phone calls to see whether or not this is the answer to prayer. But if it is, wow God moved fast! I hope it is the answer! Before we prayed I told her that I have seen God answer prayers really quickly when I pray with someone (not to mean that I have anything to do with the reason their prayer is answered. But I think God has been wanting to show He hears our prayers. and what better way to confirm that He does, other than that there is a witness to testify that that is true?) Her response was "yea sometimes"...with a very heavy heart and doubt in her voice. It saddened me. I know that its true that God doesn't answer every prayer right away, but this poor woman's heart is so heavy she finds it hard to believe He still hears her at all. I do hope that today her prayer was answered! What a testimony it would be huh?!

O my I tried to not write so much. I just couldn't help myself. I think I like to describe things in too much detail. If I wanted to go back and proof read the last story I told you, o the details I would try squeezing in there! But I won't! I will just send this out, after spell check does its job, and let it fly :) Or something like that.

Much love and many blessings! Don't give up praying to the LORD for all that is on your heart! He hears every prayer of one of His children, and He LOVES to astound us with His answers. Quick or not, He always answers them.

A randomn, far from useful post :)

Just a few pictures to share with ya'll, (how do you like the fake southern accent I just threw in there?):
A sweet Valentine gave me this beautiful candle, (if you look closely you will see that it is in our wedding colors). Its wax on the outside, hollow in the middle, and has a oil wick, or whatever its called. So it will burn/last forever! I love it :)

This one shows what happens when a bottle of Arbor Mist is forgotten in the freezer untill the next morning, (I'm not even going to show you what the freezer looks like because of it). Learn from our mistakes guys. Who knew that Asparagus would keep growing after you bought it? Even though it seemed kinda alien to me we still ate it, and it tasted good :) *mmm*
And here is one of me and my husband showing affection. Of course, due to our awesome lameness, this is just about the only picture we have of ourselves from Valentines day. Hey at least we got one, right!?

I love him so much :)

O boy I do believe the "lameness" has caught hold of me again...

Let me explain what I'm saying. The reason why my blog is titled "Probably mostly Audra blogging...if she ever even does it" is because I am pretty lame about keeping my blog up. Of course, what do I have to talk about? I should just make up action packed stories with drama and morals that suck you in for at least 5 minutes. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and give that a try.

"Once upon a time there was a stunning young lady who lived way up high on the 3rd floor. She had hair that flowed like a gentle river, and eyes deep with thought and wonder. Her mind was continuously filled with day dreams of knights saving damsels in distress, while she worked at the neighborhood burger joint. She always wondered, "why do I dream these things, wishing that they were my life, when there is no way it could ever be?" Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, on and on...it was always the same day after day, a dull and colorless life. Flipping burgers, toasting buns, "o drats! Too much ketchup on that one! Isn't there something more to life than this?" she thought to herself

Her boss was a surly man. His heart was dark and full of bitterness. Years upon years he had neglected to care for himself, and his every word was like a sword piercing her young heart. You see, she could never explain to you why, for she could not understand it herself, but her heart cared for this man. Even though his anger and sharp tongue seemed to only cause wounds in others, she thought...no she knew, that he only needed someone to love him. Perhaps than, he wouldn't feel so constantly miserable inside, and hate everyone else because of his dissatisfied and empty heart.

On a bright and clear afternoon, just before beginning her shift, our young friend decided to put before herself a goal. With set determination she silently vowed to do all with in her power to show her boss that somebody cared for him. She did not know how she would go about fulfilling this vow, nor could she, at the time, fathom how terribly difficult completing such a task would be, but her young heart was undaunted. Her brilliant mind began to think up hundreds of beautiful ways to reach into her boss' heart and find the soft spot she was convinced was in there. "After all, no body has an entirely black heart. Right?" she said to herself.

She wrote him anonymous cards with pictures of peaceful streams on the front. When he yelled, rather demanded, for someone to do something written under his job description, our fair friend was first to respond. She covered for him when he slacked off to indulge in the sin of his selfishness. She arrived at work extra early to help him set up the work stations, for she knew that his evenings of heavy drinking often caused him to be 'too sick' to have them ready in time. She lied for him. She cleaned up the messes he made. She stayed late into the night, so that he could leave early. Soon enough her usual daydreams of knights in shining armour were replaced with constant thoughts of, "what else can I do to get through to him?" Within only a handful of weeks, her heart began on a discouraged path. She struggled with her inability to accomplish her goal. The more she did, the worse he seemed to become. He never thanked her for her sacrifices. When she could have been at home eating dinner with her parents, but instead choose to close up for him, he waved it off as 'no big deal' and spent the night running around town, sowing corruption to his flesh. She watched in astonishment as his heart only sank deeper and deeper into self righteousness and strife.

"Why is Nothing that I do enough!", she screamed in her head. "Why does it seem that my helping him just makes him more angry inside?! What is wrong with him that he doesn't recognize my sacrifice and all the turmoil I am putting myself through to make his life better?!"

Two months past by and nothing changed in her boss' heart. He grew more surly, outrageous, and contemptuous. Of course no one really noticed that about him, because to them he had always been that way. They did, however, begin to notice the drastic change with in our friend's heart. Her eyes no longer showed wonder, nor did her mind ever venture to daydream. Her tongue became quick to throw out coarse and bitter words. They also noticed how unfair her appearance became. Once she had radiated young beauty, with a smile that dazzled them all. Now her face was sullen with grieve at the constant disappointment she felt in unattaining her goal. She no longer smiled, not even the slightest curvature would elevate her lips. She only frowned, from the depths of her heart, she frowned.

You see, what our friend never realized in the beginning, before venturing to love someone so unlovely as her boss, was that she herself had no love to give. She was like so many others we know, maybe even ourselves. Her life was empty, but ok. Her heart was searching for a purpose, but when she thought she found it in helping someone else, she was swiftly let down when they did not respond like she expected. She never saw that she herself was broken inside, and needed to be fixed before she could reach out and even begin to help someone with much more baggage than she carried. She was a dried up well, with no water to give to those who were thirsty.

She once day dreamed of knights saving maidens, wishing she could be one of them. She never recognized the reason she daydreamed these things was, in actuality, because she was one of them. Our friend couldn't see it, blinded were her eyes to her own need, but she also needed to know someone loved her."

Moral of the story: We are all broken people and we can not 'help to fix' any other broken person before we first come to realize our own brokenness and need for a repair man.

Too often we try to 'fix' others to make up for our own feelings of inadequacy. We can't fix ourselves by fixing others, that is like saying a person with two broken hands can set their friend's broken leg. Its impossible and exhausting for the one who tries to do this. Only when we come to recognize how completely broken we are, can we look up and find the repair man, Jesus, standing in front of us. With His tools in hand: Salvation, Love, Strength, Perseverance, Discipline, Trials, Prayer, Patience, Grace, Study, and so many more, He uses all our time on this earth to take us from our beginning state of a hopeless mess, to re-build us into a whole new tool. One that is like a tool box. He fills us with His tools, (ie.; Salvation, Love, etc.), and than carries us around, fixing others while using us. A tool box can't go out and fix the leaky faucet, its just a tool box. But the repair man can reach inside the tool box, find the right tool for the job, and fix what is broken.

I know that all I want to be is a tool box. Someone who doesn't have any of the answers from with in myself, but who carries around the words of hope and prays for other's salvation.

I don't exactly know why, but my blogs tend to end on a serious note, (even though when I began this I really was planning on just making up a dumb story). O well, maybe this needed to be written. Let me know what you think. Does this all make sense? I have someone in mind as I write this. I hope so badly that she could recognize that fixing other's won't do a thing to fix the emptyness she lives with in her heart.

Epilogue:

Our young friend wasn't left in despair forever. The repair man found her broken heart, and she let Him in to fix it.

Babies are EVERYWHERE...and so is all their stuff

Yesterday, my co-worker informed me that two of our customers are newly impregnated, and than said, "ya know what this means Audra, you're next". As if I'm putting something in these ladies coffees, and than sneaking it into my own coffee, so that is causes this epidemic, haha!

It is funny though how many people are popping out, or are close to popping out, little additions. And the other equally interesting detail is how very many of those are girls! Which, I would totally not mind catching THAT train. I mean I do want a little boy, several actually, but it seems like the odds are against Josh and I for a female child. We both have brothers for siblings, and there isn't a sister among us. So whatever you ladies are drinking, or whatever it is you are doing to produce the XX chromosome to dominate the XY...I want in on it!

And here is something worth pondering, have you heard it said that whenever there was a war to come there seemed to be a lot more boys born in the 15-20 years before the war, than there were girls? My mother-in-law pointed this out to me. I guess there has been, (this is 'hear-say', remember), studies to prove/show this. If you go back and look at birth records those 15-20 years before a war begins, they have seen that a significant number of boys were being born over girls. Interesting huh? I pretty much think about that all the time, especially these days when the abundance of children being born seem to be girls, or at least in the majority of women around me, (I'll come back to explain why I say this, in a moment). It is so incredibly Awesome to, in a slight way, be able to recognize His provision for the human race and see how God knows what lays ahead of us. Since He knows when serious wars will take place and many young men will die, He provides enough men to fight during the war, and than there are those who survive, or just didn't fight, who are available to get married and keep the whole 're-populating' the earth thing going. Seriously, I think about this probably a couple times, every day. It fascinates me! For me it is clear confirmation that my faith is in the True and Living God, because it shows How intimately involved with us He is. I mean He already knits us together in our mother's womb, (amazing!), but that He works it out so that there will be a lot of boys to a few girls being born....He is incredibly Awesome! I don't know anyone who is more organized and plans ahead better than Him :), (probably one of the biggest understatements of the year).

So I said I would come back to explain why the abundance of little girls around me has caused me to think about this a lot more. A few years ago I remember when tons and tons of little boys were being born. I mean, I grew up in part of that time period. *Proof I did - I have three brothers and Josh is one of three sons in his family, pretty good proof aye? But I remember being young and recognizing that an awful lot of little boys were being born, and only one or two girls. So here, let me get to the point...

I know why God caused all the boys to be born, (scary to say, but there is obviously going to be a big war in our lifetime - unless God was planning for the Iraq war, there will probably be more, and worse, and bigger ones. O I get chills saying that), but why is He bringing so many girls into the world? I wonder if we are in for a war bigger than we have ever seen before, that is going to effect both sexes in ways we have yet to experience. Like bombs on entire populations or more women in battle. Or maybe it is because God just really wants to make sure all the boys who live through the war have a good variety to choose from, who knows what God's plans are. In any case, kind'a neat to think about huh?

Amongst the pondering, this much I understand and know is true; He is on the move. Earthquakes, tsunami's, volcanoes acting up, um what else are we looking for? Signs in the "sun and moon and stars..." Luke 21:25. How much longer will He wait? I know He is patient, and wants as many as will come to Him, to come to him, but how much more will we see before He takes us home? Its a mystery. I used to be afraid of that day, being young in my mind and more immature in my relationship with Him, but now I find myself excited to finally be home with Him! O what Joy it is to sit in His presence while I'm still in this sin drenched body; I can not fathom being clothed in His glory, sitting before His majesty, worshipping in His physical presence, forever satisfied in His love, with nothing more in the flesh to distract me and pull me away from my beloved Father. *sigh* O man now that REALLY gives me chills! But the good kind :D

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GOD!!!

Today, all day long, my flesh has been stinking up my walk like hard core. O gosh this darn thing, (the flesh), gets me angry! I want to just be perfect, and not sin anymore, and never disappoint my Father by giving into temptations....man. Actually I take the beginning of that first sentence back, the flesh is ALWAYS stinking up my walk, but today God helped me to see when and where :) He is so good like that. I Praise Him for His unending Grace- 'cause seeing the nastiness of my heart today...man I just don't ever get it, I continually choose sin when I know I really don't want it- but His grace, O His grace, is so sweet and precious to me!

I really really really like this blogging thing. I said it here before I think, well at least in person to one friend, but its kind'a like what a prayer journal does for me. The Spirit uses it to help me realize truth. Not that what I am saying is so incredibly profound stuff that I'm learning and feel the need to bring here to you, but it causes me to gather my thoughts, reflect, and focus on what the Lord is teaching me. And its free healthy entertainment, what a sweet deal!

Ok well friends I think I just unloaded a good junk of my mind to you, so I will let you alone now. Besides you have enough of your own thoughts in your head, do you really want mine in there too?

I love you all! I really truly do :)

God bless you.