Musings from the brain of Audra

Psalms 1

2011-03-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

There is something about the placement of this chapter, being the very first chapter to the poetic book of Psalms, that I think has great significance. If you read it, (which you'll have the chance to, because I will type it out in this blog), it couldn't have fit in a better spot than right here, at the beginning of this book of 'real life stuff'.

David wrote most of the Psalms, and a lot of those are about him crying out to God to save him from his enemies, or praising Him for vindicating him from his enemies. There is a whole lot in the Psalms that I do not understand, and I wonder if I ever will. I doubt that God has it in the plans for me to be a 'marked woman', like David so many times was. Perhaps, in some lesser degree, God will bring me through trials that cause me to search the Psalms of David for hope and encouragement, but I don't know.

Psalms 1 doesn't give credit to an author. I don't know if David wrote it, but that doesn't matter to me. Whoever wrote it was speaking with wisdom, and the Holy Spirit obviously directed the hand of the writer because the truth this Psalm holds is mighty.

Since I read this Psalm a month or so ago, God has brought it to remembrance many times. Here it is:

"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stand in the path of sinners,
nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by
streams of water,
which yields its fruit in its season
and its leaf does not wither;
and whatever he does, he prospers." vs. 1-3 (from the NASB)

Like any passage of holy scripture, there is so much that can be taken out of these three verses. A Christian would do well to read over them time and time again, meditate on these words and allow the Spirit to make the heart changes that would come as a result. I don't want to go into great detail about what these mean, or rather, what my finite mind understands about what they are saying. I only want to share what the mean to me, and what God is teaching me through them.

Vs. 1:
"How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stand in the path of sinners,
nor sit in the seat of scoffers!"

When I read this I hear, "Audra, this is what a righteous man/woman of God does, and does not do." Christian, we are BLESSED when we do not go to the unbelieving people to ask of them their counsel. I don't know how often we do that, but doesn't it just make sense? God has said that His ways are not our ways, nor are His thoughts our thoughts. When the writer is talking about "our", He is referring to the human mind. If, then, you seek the counsel of a non-believer, how do you expect they will give you counsel that is in alignment with God's heart? If we do, however, seek their counsel and walk in it, is that because we knew that if we were to have gone to another believer, they would have corrected us and the Spirit would have brought conviction to our wrong motives?

We are blessed when we do not walk in the way of the world. The world is wicked and the people of the world have a lot of ideas on how to do things in their ways. The world tells you to pursue money so that you have nothing to worry about. God tells you to pursue Him and His kingdom and you will have nothing to worry about (Matthew 6:33). The world counsels you to follow your heart. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). The world tells you that physical discipline of your child is wrong, but Proverbs 13:24 reads, "He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Now I know that last one could really stir up some controversy, and in response I would quote Gerry Breshears, a professor at Western Seminary, "Lets talk with our Bible's open". (And by mentioning his name I am not claiming anything in regards to what he holds to. I'm merely giving credit where credit is due). The world has a lot of decent sounding ideas, but God's word ought to be the final authority in the Christian's life.

The psalmist also mentions that a man is blessed when he does not, "stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers!" The picture I get is of the Christian who makes his best friends those whom the Bible would call "sinenrs" and "scoffers". "Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?" 2 Corinthians 6:15. Yes we should befriend unbelievers, but if Paul (who wrote 2 Cor.) in wisdom wrote these words, what makes us think that we could become best friends with one who scoffs at our God? My husband is friends with a man who used to scoff God. He did it in ignorance, of course, not understanding the God that loved him, but still it made their friendship difficult. Praise be to God this friend is now a brother in Christ and fellowship has been restored! Had, however, this friend continued down a path of not knowing the Lord as his savior, my husband and him would eventually have to break the ties of their close companionship. More than having to, it tends to be inevitable for the Christian who is seeking after God's will for their life. We can not have fellowship with the unbeliever who scoffs at the God we love. We will miss out on many blessings if we do, and like I heard it once said, "It is easier to pull someone down from standing on top of a chair, than it is to pull a person up from standing on top of a chair."

Vs. 2:
"But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and in His law he meditates day and night."

This is the kicker for me. This is the vs. that continually resonates in my mind. What it says to me is this, "Audra, is your delight in the law of the Lord?" If my delight was, than doing what the next sentence says would come naturally. However, I very often do not find my delight in God's law. By law I am not talking necessarily about the Old Testament law, though that is implied because this is from an O.T. book, but there are also the laws given to the Christian. The ones like, "Love your neighbor as yourself" or, "This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you." John 15:12. Those are the laws that I have to stop and ask myself, "Is my delight in the law, 'love your neighbor as you love yourself'?" Do I find joy and restoration in reading God's law and implementing it in my life? If that isn't the case, than how do I get it to be that way? Well I will pray and ask God to make it so! That is the only thing I know to do, but I have heard that is the best thing to do. The next line also alludes to one other thing that will make this a possibility for me. If I do not "meditate" in His law day and night, than what chance do I have at finding any delight in it? Now I don't think that is what this part of the vs. is talking about necessarily, but that is still the truth. How can you grow a love for something if you never take any time to invest in it? And didn't God say that a man is blessed when he does take the time to do this? (He did, in vs. 1).

What I really find challenging in this vs. is the string of words, "And in His law he meditates day and night". How often do I not even meditate in His law neither day nor night! But the promise that comes in vs. three is what causes my heart to long to do so.

Vs. 3:
"He will be like a tree firmly planted by
streams of water,
which yields its fruit in its season
and its leaf does not wither;
and whatever he does, he prospers."

Oh what a sweet promise! Here is what I read, when I read this: "If you discipline yourself to meditating on His law day and night, Audra, than when the strong winds of doubt rise up and try to knock down the walls of your faith, they will not fall. If you will meditate on His law, than when trials come from seemingly out of no where and blind side you with pain, you will be able to endure because you will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water - living water. Cares of this world will try to overtake your mind and cause you to worry about all the details of the day, but if you meditate on My law, your mind will remain sound and you will have joy inexpressible as you watch Me carry all your worries away." Our God is an awesome God to do all these things for us, His kids. It blesses my heart to read the words of this psalm and hear the gentle exhorting voice of the Lord translating them in a way that I can understand them, and they in turn make my heart glad.

Like I said before I don't understand a lot of the psalms, especially a lot of David's with all his strife and enemies trying to constantly overtake him. But this psalm, at least this first half, (there are three more vs. I haven't quoted), I think I got a tiny glimpse of what it's saying.

"He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season."

I am not a baker

2011-03-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

I was asked to make dessert tonight for a family get together and well, I failed miserably. The sad thing is it wasn't even a dessert that was to be baked - an un-baked, baked item, if you will.

Fortunately, for our family members, we live in a time when I can just hit up the store on the way over to their home and buy something someone else made. Unfortunately, it will probably have wheat and lots of sugar, both of which I was attempting to stay away from with the dessert I was making. I mean of course it would have some sugar, but not globs of it.

Its funny how failing at something can affect your heart. Before the 'baking' began I was feeling both brave and trepidatious. I had both high hopes of success, but also anxiety that I might fail again. Most of my attempts at creating desserts don't pan out the way I intend for them too, so I was certainly going into this project humbly. However, even with knowing my own track record, my heart was crushed when it didn't turn out.

It reminded me of the time that my mom spent a morning making one of her divine quiches, only to have it fall out of her hands upon exiting the oven. It was in a glass dish and shattered when it met our blue tile floor. I remember sitting in the dining area, watching this event unfold and feeling an overwhelming sense of, "Thats not fair! Don't you know how long she worked on that?" Of course I don't know who I would be talking to had I actually said those words. Still it was the injustice of it all. I wasn't surprised when her reaction was to silently sniffle while picking up the pieces of egg and glass. I remember my heart hurting deeply for her. Cooking is one of her joys in life, and this was like cooking just stabbed her in the back. I know that sounds pretty severe, but hey, thats what it looked like.

Today I found myself in my mother's shoes. It seems a silly thing to be so distraught over a ruined dessert, but my heart felt literally crushed. Crushed like that broken pyrex dish in my mother's kitchen. Maybe it was my hopeful expectations. Maybe it was the fact that I felt I might actually overcome my supposedly life long curse of being unable to bake. Maybe it was because it is a REALLY tasty treat and I was looking forward to eating something I could actually enjoy (ie.; a wheat-less dessert). Or maybe it was just a pity party.

I will admit, the pity party was a major factor, I knew that while I was in it. It is hard to get over something that is so disappointing, especially when it has just freshly happened.

As I was cleaning up the mess I was sad that there was no one around to take pity on me. I was all alone in my failure with out a shoulder to cry on, and that made it even harder to 'get over it'. I laid on the couch and had these thoughts: " I am not getting over this, I don't know how to stop feeling bad, I feel so bad for myself and my failure, what am I supposed to do so that I can get over this?" I know it sounds ridiculous, but hey I'm just being honest here.

Then the most amazing thing happened - Josh called. I told him what happened and he said it would be alright and that we would pick something up from the store on the way over. Its funny because although these weren't the soothing pitying words I was hoping for, I still felt better that at leastleast someone had heard how upset I was. After that it was all too easy to get over myself.

I wish that I could have just brushed it off with out dragging Josh to my pity party (though at least, for his sake, he didn't have to stay long). I know that there will be bigger failures in my life that I will handle with just as little grace as I did with this one, and I don't like that thought one bit. I'm not afraid of failing at things, I know that is part of life, but it is scary how one little failed dessert can bring such a self love out of my heart. Had Josh not called and heard the tears in my voice, I could possibly still be moping around here with my shoulders literally slumped in defeat (I say this because I was shocked that even my posture took on a 'poor me' attitude). Had he not heard my sadness, I wonder if I would have carried the pain of failure with me until someone did hear my sad story. I actually think I would have.

There is a vs. I read the other day that struck a chord in my heart and has been resonating since. It reads like this, "Love your neighbor as yourself". It has stuck with me because when I read it I heard another voice putting forth the thought, "Do you even love your husband and child like that?" Yikes! I know that we would hardly admit this, but isn't it true that we really REALLY love our selves? Its not like we gawk and stare at ourselves in the mirror and praise our worthy attributes, but we do care an awful lot for our own bodies. I obviously care a lot for myself as evident from the pity party I threw for myself, but do I love others in that same way that when they are down I will be there for them to turn to? I want very badly to say yes, but knowing myself, if it inconveniences me I might easily turn aside and let them fall on someone else's shoulder. I admit that I HATE this about myself, but it is the me that is me apart from Christ. That does not justify me not loving my neighbor as myself, on the other hand it ought to liberate me from feeling like a 'bad christian'. I am "wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked", as Jesus said of the church of Laodicea in Revelation 3:17, yet I am still commanded to love my neighbor as I love myself. How can such a wretched, miserable, blind person do such an amazing thing? Ah it is only through abiding in Jesus Christ. John 15 talks about abiding in Jesus, and Galatians 5 talks about walking by the Spirit so that you do not cary out the desires of the sinful flesh. My sinful flesh wants to love me and care for others at my own convenience, in the context I am willing to love, and only with the resources I think are enough to get the job done. Christ's command calls me to do something far greater than that, though. His command, "Love your neighbor as yourself" means; love others when it is inconvenient for you, love them selflessly, willingly giving up my free time to sit with someone when their world is falling apart, and sparing no cost to outfit them during their times of need.

Jesus said to His disciples in relation to one another, "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life or his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you." (John 15: 12-14) Jesus displayed this kind of deep love in His life and death. He lived to love and He died because of love, (He also rose again because of love, Hallelujah!)

I shared my story about the failed dessert because it was a really good reminder of the love I have for myself, which in turn reminded me of the sort of deep, compassionate, long suffering love I am commanded to have for others. It is not easy to love in the way Jesus does, but with Christ it is possible and it is beautiful!

Making a Large Wet Bag

2011-01-31T15:38:00.000-08:00

When Elias woke up this morning I realized that I was out of disposable diapers. I knew that I would need to go to the store to buy some today, so while we were waiting for our favorite bulk diaper supplier to open up I put Elias in one of his old clothe diapers. I was happy that after a couple of months of being 'off cloth', the folding and pinning came back like riding a bike. I also realized how much I missed doing cloth diapers (I know some of you probably think that I sound crazy when I say that).

Of course two months ago, when I decided to take a break from CDing I had at that time run out of disposable liners (a must have if you loath dealing with poop - - - which I do), so I decided to look them up online to re-order. While looking, 'suggestions' for other CDing items popped up, most of them being items I've never had because well, I've been broke :) For the longest time I've wanted to have a wet bag for his diapers. I've always used a pail and a plastic liner from the dollar store, and I've always hated using the plastic bag for a liner because it leaks into the pail. So while perusing the diaper pail liners I came across ones that hang off the door. After reading their info for a minute I discovered that these liners also zipped shut - OMGOSH! "You mean that I could have a chic diaper liner that didn't take a big bulky pail in the bathroom, AND it zips shut so we don't have to smell the stinkies??!?!?!" At this moment I'm pretty sure that I heard sounds of rejoicing in the back round...or maybe that was me. The downside, however, is that I could only find them for about $30 - - - and I'm still broke, so yeah, not happening. There were 'knock-off' brands of similar bags that were about half the price, but that would still mean that I would have to pay more than I wanted to - - - I'm not only broke, I'm cheap as well. Plus I was hoping to buy two bags. After washing the liner it has to air dry, so it makes sense to need two of these.

After spending about an hour checking out lots of sites I had the novel idea, "Why Audra, you have a sewing machine and you know how to use it, why don't you just MAKE a wet bag?" To which I replied, "Great idea self!" So off Elias and I went to the fabric store. I had no idea how much I would love that place, seeing how I've only been there two other times, but omgosh! I'm going to tell my hubby that from now on he should just get me gift cards for that place when he wants to buy me a present :)

With the little bit of knowledge I had just learned about wet bags and PUL material, I was excited about my new adventure! Elias was a good sport during the hour long trip (of course it isn't hard to enjoy yourself when all the ladies flirt with you, which is exactly what they always do when Elias goes out). They had ADORABLE PUL material, so I didn't have to buy an outside fabric to make the bag more attractive. After having the lady at the desk measure out and show me what a yard and a half of fabric looks like (since I didn't even know what a yard looked like, which she showed me first and I figured I'd probably need more than that), we bought 'strap' and two zippers (which are A LOT more expensive than I thought they would be). Then I asked another lady where their 'string' was, to which she replied, "We don't have string, but we have juan (or was it juel?)." I then thought to myself, "What in the world? Why would a place like this not have string?" Then after a minute of talking she realized that what I was looking for was 'thread' - go figure.
After a few more ladies had their chance to flirt with Elias, we were out the door!

It surprisingly only took me about an hour, but I made the bag!!! I'm so proud of myself! I don't want to brag in any way what so ever, because; A)I am actually amazed that it turned out, and B)I still don't know if it will hold up after a few washings. BUT STILL! It actually worked! Ok ok so enough of my jabbering, how about some pictures aye?!

A few things I've learned...

2011-01-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

This is a list of the things I've discovered in regards to my desire to live a more 'natural' life style.

1. Rice milk is fun to make and surprisingly tasty (and also VERY creamy)

2. Cage free eggs are worth their cost. Not necessarily because they taste better either. Actually I can't tell if they taste any different at all, but I LOVE knowing that the chickens who hatched those eggs are not bound up in nasty coops.

3. Oatmeal pizza crust has a better flavor than its traditional wheat counterpart.

4. I am not an animal lover, and frankly I don't like them at all, but I do care for them because God cares for them.

5. Though I've yet to try it, I'd love to start buying raw milk products - especially for Elias.

6. Organic apples actually do taste better than non-organic (the difference is AMAZING!)

7. I don't care about Elias wearing organic clothes or playing with plastic toys.

8. I don't mind if someone feeds a grain fed piece of meat for dinner. I am grateful that someone would spend their hard earned cash to feed me, in the name of friendship.

9. I see the validity in a vegan diet, though I know for certain it is not for me.

10. Sugar is still my enemy and everyday I struggle with the temptation to pass it off as 'no big deal'. I try to justify that the fact that I am eating healthy meals makes it ok for me to indulge in sugary snacks.

11. Home made bread is awesome and fun to make, even if I can't eat it...*tear*

12. If I could figure out how to ingest garlic in it's raw form, I would everyday.

13. I'm thankful I was able to walk so much this summer and get my vitamin D levels up so high as to only just this month need to start supplementing. (Dr. said to take 4,ooo IU until May, and then get back outside)

14. Water is the best thing to drink.

15. When I do it, making Elias baby food for him is a blessing, because I know whats in it.

16. Until it's proven that vaccines do what they say they do, I'm content with our decision to not vaccinate. *I don't look down on parent's who have/do vaccinate their children. I just hope they judge me as being a poor parent because we've chosen alternative methods.

17. Eating a diet that is 51% raw foods is best for you, though I'm still not on board with it.

18. Exercise is beneficial, but a diet of quality foods is essential for being healthy.

19. Sleep is also essential for being healthy.

20. Though we don't yet do this, I'd much rather have organic (at least grass fed) beef than what is available in stores, because I think it really is much better for you.

21. I still LOVE cloth diapering and would choose it over desposies, I just need more of the cloth diaper essentials to make it a little less gross for me to deal with.

22. Being able to play, sing, laugh, and dance with my precious one year old son is the best motivator to keep up this sort of living!

When I was a teen, and into my early twenties, I allowed myself anything my taste buds wanted to savor. I ate cookies, candy, and cake in replace of nutrient packed meals. I figured that since I was only supposed to have 'x' number of calories a day I would spend those calories on the things I enjoyed the taste of, which was always sweets. I remember during my senior year of HS I was sick constantly with colds. I didn't understand then what it was that was causing me to be so ill, because I didn't understand the truth in the saying "you are what you eat".

After HS I worked at a lodge where homemade cookies and brownies were available 24 hours a day (literally!). When I was 19 I took pictures of myself "to see how bad it really was". I was disgusted with myself. When looking at those pictures the only word that came to mind was "fat", because that is what I was. Compared to most people I was still in relatively good shape, but for me, I was fat. I cried and deleted the pictures off the camera. I didn't want any one else to mistakenly come across them. Now I wish I still had them, so that I could look back and see how far God has brought me. During the days of being at the lodge, where I took those pictures, I would eat somewhere around 12 cookies a day. I worked in the kitchen and because I was young I figured they weren't effecting me. Whenever I saw a picture of myself I thought that there was something wrong with the camera, or maybe the angle the picture was taken at. I always felt thinner than I really was, though clothes shopping had already become a hated event. That night after deleting those pictures I knew I had to change the way I was living (though this thought only took root and later came to fuician) - I was killing my body with food that was not meant to destroy me. I started jogging, but still allowed myself to eat the occasional three or four cookies. It wasn't until after the lodge, while at a college and career event with our church, that I realized I had a serious addiction to sugar. I found myself eating whatever my heart desired until I felt sick, but it was such a bad addiction that after a few minuets the sickness would go away and I would indulge again in treats until I was sick again. I did this over and over that evening. I even jokingly mentioned to my friend that, "I couldn't stop!". She and I both laughed, but inside I was crying. I felt very much that no one would want to marry me if I was 'fat'. I felt ugly, and the thought came, "Who would want to marry an ugly fat girl like me?" It was a hard place to be in, feeling despair over not being able to control even the things I put into my mouth. If I couldn't control my hand from picking up everything I wanted to eat, than what hope was left for me?

When I met my husband I had just started working at a coffee shop. I had been back from the lodge only a short while, but since I was no longer eating several cookies a day I immediately lost a noticeable amount of weight, at least puffiness. While working one day I had this great idea: Since I was losing weight from not eating cookies, maybe if I completely cut sugar out of my diet the results would be even more noticeable. So I did it. For one month I said 'No' to all things sweet and delectable. I didn't even allow myself honey, only the sugars from fruit. Every day I woke up and said, "I will not eat sugars today", and I didn't. And although I don't remember consciously involving God in my resistance, my relationship with Him was steady and I was deeply in love with Him at that point in my life. He was literally my everything, and nothing satisfied me more than to enjoy His presence. I don't advocate any sort of 'name it and claim it' techniques, because I've done that recently in regards to this same issue and it has failed me. With out the Lord it is very difficult to succeed in keeping up life changing and long term commitments. You can try it if you please, but for lasting effects you need the Lord Jesus to be your strength to resist the things that tempt you most.

During that month I also started walking six days a week for 45 minutes in the morning before I ate anything. My healthy younger brother recommended it to me, so seeing how he was the one in shape, I took his advice. It was nice to walk, even if my eye lashes were frozen together because it was a very cold winter that year. I enjoyed those morning walks with the Lord, in His incredible creation, amongst the beautiful frost covered trees and woods.

After only three days of not eating sugars I was surprised to find how easy it all of the sudden was to go without eating it. Strawberries began tasting as sweet as pure sugar, but better! Fruit became what it was always meant to be; the sweetest thing I could eat, and it was deliciously nutritious. I also found a new hope for myself, I actually could say 'No' to something and successfully practice self control! At that point in my life I also was glutenous with regular food, but hadn't realized how deep that sin was until this sugar fast was happening. God also gave me freedom from over indulging myself, because as I saw that I could deny myself all things sugary, I also saw the value in not stuffing myself with nutritious food until my stomach hurt. It became a month full and freedom and new hope for me! I started loosing a significant amount of weight AND I had energy again, for the first time in many years.

Once that month was over I continued to practice my new found self control and did very well at keeping myself from becoming an addict again. Since that time I have had ups and downs in dealing with this issue. I like sweets and I especially love to eat candy. It is a sin that at times tries very hard to ensare me again, but I now know that I am not in chains to it.

Living a healthy life and eating the right foods that support that type of a lifestyle has become one of my greatest passions, and I want it for my family too! We are by no means all about organics, but I am all about veggies and fruits unprocessed and raw (when it can be done). I LOVE that I have energy for being a mommy to an active toddler. I take almost every opportunity I can to play hard with my son (though during the course of writing this he has tried a couple of times to get me to come play with him), because right now I can! I falter a lot in eating the right foods and remembering to eat, but I have come a long way from where I used to be.

Praise be to God for re-directing my path of self-destruction! It was a nasty path to be on anyways.

p.s. I mentioned that I met my husband while working at the coffee shop. I brought that up so that I could say this: He loved me when I thought no one would because of my physical appearance. He later told me that he didn't even notice, that when he saw me for the first time all he saw was "beauty". God has a way of working out for us the things we deem as impossible, doesn't He? I thought no-one would want to marry me because of the way I looked, and yet here God was, giving me a good man during one of my most insecure times.

Another thing I could not live without...

2010-10-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

The book of Romans

If I had to choose a favorite book of the Bible, or at least of the New Testament, I would choose Romans. I've heard it called, 'The mini Bible', because it has basically everything you would need to know about the Law of the O.T., as well as the grace offered through the New Covenant.

A couple of years ago Josh and I had the extreme privilege to study the book of Romans under a bible scholar. Of course he didn't go to school to become a bible scholar, but by God's divine ordination, he is indeed a learned student of the scriptures. When we first began the study I had asked him, "What keeps you so into reading the Bible?" At the time I was going through a hard season of disinterest with the Word, yet his undying love to study and know the scriptures played on the lonely notes of my heart. He told me, "There is so much in this book - I am fascinated by it". He also said that there is so much that the more he learns, the more he realizes he doesn't know. He was into digging real deep to discover the meanings, understand the culture and how it influenced the writer's writing, hear and know God's heart, and to reciprocate that to his brother's and sister's in Christ. He was, (and I hope still), PASSIONATE about the word and reading it.

God richly blessed me that summer. During the long study of Romans He impassioned my heart with His word too. I had no idea the Bible had so much in it for me personally! I was overwhelmed by God's grace as He poured out his Spirit and let me understand the hard writings of the book of Romans.

Since then my passion for the word has had it's ups and downs. The cares and worries of this life can so easily carry us believers away, but for this reason I rejoice in Romans chapters 7 and 8. If anyone understood the struggle of flesh against spirit it was the author of the book, Paul. I know this is true because although Paul was an incredibly godly man, his flesh and spirit still fought it out on a daily basis. The last half of Romans 7 is all about the "conflict of two natures" (as my Bible puts it), and whoa what a conflict it is! My spirit joyfully concurs with the Holy Spirit on all matters good, pure, and righteous. But my flesh is a devilish character, constantly combating the will of the Spirit in it's desires to do good, by 'looking out for number 1', playing the role of the disobedient nature, and down right evil in all it's intentions.

It is a weary battle.

And then the end of chapter 7 reads, "Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?" Can't you just hear the desperation in his exclamation? Often when I read this I just automatically exchange the word man for woman, 'Wretched woman that I am!', and the thought continues, 'How can I say I am a Christian when I am so selfish with my time? Or when I am so lazy with my house hold duties? Or when I am preaching the message 'read your bibles and pray every day!', and yet how often do I actually do that myself' Oh the temptation to become overwhelmed by these thoughts is strong. But Paul, understanding the deep love, compassion, and grace of the Father does not end Chapter 7 on this despairing note.

"Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" I can almost hear it as if Paul were shouting it from the top of the mountains - there is that much freedom in this sentence. In modern terms I think it would go something like this, "Because of Jesus I do not have to be bound up by my sinful flesh! I am FREE to not feel guilty, to not mope about as though I have let God down, I am FREE to enjoy Him because I am a wretch and He knows that and still He wants to be with me!' O sweet freedom!

Then chapter 8 begins, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." And with those words my heart lets out a giant sigh of relief.

It is my daily struggle to be reminded of that truth, and not become overwhelmed with guilt of not being a "better" Christian. Yet if I am humble to come before Him and express my wretchedness with complete sincerity, He is faithful to bring these things to remembrance.

Awe the Book of Romans, where would I be with out you?

I love my miniature food processor!

2010-10-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

One thing I could not live without....
My miniature food processor.

Why has this particular item struck me as "invaluable", something "I can not live with out", you may ask? Well for starters I don't have a big food processor, and it seems clear to me that every woman needs at least some size of food processor in their kitchen. I mean they are SO handy! Hey want some home made salsa? Toss in a couple tomatoes, green chilies, onions, lime juice, garlic and wa-la! The best salsa you ever did have *said with a southern accent*. Or how about the fact that with out it I could not make good whole raw foods for my baby boy? With only 6 teeth in his mouth, salad and bell peppers are a little tough to chew up and swallow. And seeing how I just recently learned that at least 51% of each meal ought to be 'raw', there would be no other way for Elias to get his daily 51% with out the handy dandy chopper upper!

So there you have it. Lets hear it for the mini. food processor's of the world! *hip! hip! Horray!* ;) yes I am silly like that.

I am head over heels...

2010-06-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

...for a little boy named Elias.

He is the happiest baby I know. He smiles so big, loves his mommy indefinitely, and his daddy is his best buddy.

He is over 26 inches, and already 15 lbs!

About 3 weeks ago we started him on solids and he is loving them! Ok, well he hates green beans [but if I cover the flavor of them up with a little apple juice, it suddenly becomes the best thing he's ever eaten!]. Whenever I try to give him apple juice-less green beans he dives for the spoon, gobbles up the beans, and than sits back in his bumbo and cries. Its actually pretty funny. Other than green beans, he has eaten [and loved] rice cereal, bananas, watermelon, and oatmeal. We also let him try a starburst and he really liked that!

I can't believe that he is already 5 months. I swear every day he grows I have such mixed emotions. I feel both joy and sorrow.

Whenever he is going down for the night I cuddle him in the rocking chair until he starts to rub his adorable little eyes and drift off. He generally talks to me, and I sing to him. He mumbles and makes little noises like 'uhhh' or 'ahhh' - very monotone and even keel.

About a month ago, while nursing him, he reached up with his left arm and started waving it around in the air. I knew immediately what he was doing, and leaned my face forward so that he could find it with his 'searching' hand. I love love LOVE when he does this! I'm not sure what is motivating him to search for my face, or why he only does it with his left hand, but once he finds it he just rests his hand on my lips, cheek, or chin. Of course he can only keep it still for about 20 seconds, and than up and out his hand goes again, just to come back down and squash my face. Its very sweet. Its one of those memories I hope to always cherish and hold unto.

He rolls unto his tummy, and he is getting pretty close to sitting up, though right now he is mostly interested in chewing on his toes [sucking the right big toe, to be exact]. We'll try to sit him up and he will usually bend himself in half and reach for the feet in front of him. Last night Josh helped him with sitting up and we got a little of it on camera :)

Elias is such a sweet boy! I surely will miss his baby hood when it is all said and done. Even as I say that I fight back tears, realizing how quickly the time is going breaks my heart. It saddens me to think that in another year I will be back here, [hopefully], updating about what our 17 month old is up to.

The first month dragged like the last weeks of pregnancy. After we finally got nursing down, though, man time has flown by. I swear I was just taking his 4 months pictures, and already he needs his 5th month ones. I wish I could make time stand still, just for a little while. I often catch myself saying ,"I can't wait until...[such and such]" only to quickly correct myself and say, "I'm so excited for the day when Elias does...[such and such]". I don't want to breeze by these amazing moments too quickly. I don't want to waste a moment doing anything other than deeply and fully loving my son.

I honestly can't believe how much I adore him. It wasn't until this exact moment that I realize how much I love that little boy. He has fully and completely captured my heart.

I can't imagine him not being so beautiful and innocent, but I know that one day we will see that ugly sin nature come through.

O how I cherish all these things in my heart! O how I love Elias so much I could burst!

His daddy is pretty smitten over him as well. I am thankful for that though. Whenever Josh comes home for lunch or after work, the first thing he does is look for Elias. He kisses his perfect cheeks and talks to him in silly baby talk, and I just love to hear them interacting with one another. Elias loves his daddy too. He already gets excited whenever he walks into the room.

Its very sweet how Elias expresses his excitement. So far the best way to tell whether or not he is excited is to watch his hands and legs. His little wrists will sort of twist in circles and his fingers race up and down quickly as if he is playing piano. He also stretches both his arm's and leg's out stiff and just before the peak of his excitement his body calms a little, he takes in a deep breath, and with wide eyes he lets out an excited scream of delight! It really is so precious. Gosh I love that boy!!!

He still isn't one for crying much. Most of his crying really serves a very valid purpose, whether it be caused by hunger, pain, sadness, loneliness, or tiredness. Even when he cut both of his bottom teeth just last week, I would have had no idea it was happening had he not been tugging at his ear in the middle of the night. He never experienced any fevers, nor did his gums become swollen and red. I don't even remember him drooling more than usual. And like I said, if it hadn't been for him pulling at his ear after only being asleep for a couple of hours, I would have had no idea he was cutting a tooth. Now that the two bottom ones are in, however, there will certainly be no more chewing on mommy's fingers, ouch!

I love love love this little blessing so much! I can't even remember life before him, and it is difficult to remember what marriage to Josh was like before having Elias [which slightly bothers me].

There is no better job, for a woman, than to be called to mommyhood. I love this job. I love this life God has given us. I love it all!

An update!

2010-04-27T10:30:00.001-07:00

I haven't done an update in quite awhile, so I thought I would go for it now!

Elias is closing in on 15 lbs, 27 inches, now. He had his first laugh on March 17th and is still giggling to this day. His hair is as fierce as ever, and growing in bleach blonde. His beautiful round eyes are still blue, and a very deep dark blue. I don't know anyone else who has eyes as beautiful, but of course I may be biased. He is blowing raspberries, grabbing his feet, jabbering his head off, and oh yea, complaining. I actually think it is pretty funny when he complains. His whole little face gets all frustrated and he lets out a sort of scream cry. Its one of those noises that make a mom go, 'O no Elias, that is not nice'.
He started rolling over just two weeks ago. His favorite is to try to roll while his mommy is trying to pin on his diaper, great timing kid ;) Only once has he rolled from his back to his stomach again, and only once has he rolled over twice, but he is getting it down. The one time that he rolled twice, he was completely naked, waiting for his momma to diaper and pajama him. It was quite funny, actually, because I turned around to grab a diaper and as soon as I did I heard the sound of plastic bag rustling, (and if you have ever noticed this about Elias, he hates the sound of a plastic bag rustling). Well of course I quickly turned around to see that a Mr. buck naked Elias had almost rolled himself completely under his crib and right into a plastic bag. I don't think he was intending on moving that quickly, because his eyes were as wide as they could be and his little arms and legs were straight out like as if he had been startled. So I laughed, rather loudly :) I think that he can really get going whenever he doesn't have a big ol bulky cloth diaper on.
He is a pleasant little person to be around, unless he is tired, hungry and not getting fed, or waking up from some of his naps. I love him so much it is ridiculous and Josh and I are beginning to see why it is so great to be parents :)

Josh is still at the church working as a pastoral intern and teaching Jr. High. He is praying about us starting up a small group, and also praying about leading the men's ministry at the church. He has such a firey passion to see the men in the church having a real and alive relationship with Jesus. He also has a hard time tolerating men being lazy and not the spiritual leaders God has called them to be.
He is growing in the LORD every day and I am so incredibly blessed to watch it happen.

As for me, I've begun a new commitment with God. The commitment consists of me making time for an hour long appointment with Him, and simply not breaking it for anything. The inspiration came when on Friday evening I heard Becky Tirabassi's testimony. She was saved out of an alcoholic life, where drugs and partying were also the usual, and was so on fire for Christ. She works with Youth for Christ, is married and has one son. The thing that got me, while listening to her story, was that after being a christian for a number of years she noticed a sourness in her heart. She said that she was bitter, overweight, and not the kind of christian that would make non-christians want what she had. At a conference for youth leaders the bombarding message was that the most important thing to youth ministry was that the leaders spent much time in prayer. Becky said she was thrown back, since she had always thought kids needed 'fun and excitement', and because her own life didn't consist of much prayer time with God. As a result of that conference she decided she was going to, for the rest of her life, spend an hour a day in prayer, and that was over 20 years ago.
On Friday night I too made that commitment. Becky challenged the many young people listening, (it was a previously recorded message from a time she was talking to a group of young un-married believers), to do the same saying that it wasn't about convenience, but about making a commitment and keeping your word. So with God's help, I am going to keep my commitment.
I'd challenge you all to do the same, as you can only reap un-countable blessings from doing so.

This morning I prayed and eventually found myself in John 15, where Jesus speaks about being the vine and we are the branches. "...apart from Me you can do nothing", vs. 5.
I can no absolutely nothing good with out Christ, including keeping my commitment.

So that is pretty much sums up the high lights of all that is happening lately. Josh are still learning how to be both a couple and parents. I am enjoying my renewed spirit in Christ. Josh is finding passion in teaching. And our happy little man is well, happy :D What more could a family ask for?

Cloth Diapering...

2010-04-26T19:36:00.001-07:00

Could I do it any other way?

I think not! Though I did try disposables for about a month.
And they really weren't all that bad, though quite stinky (I believe it was the type of diaper, not just because they are disposies).

So far Elias lives in flats and plastic pants, although he does have a couple pairs of homemade longies, (thanks to Allison and Cathy - you sisters are awesome!), and 4 pairs of something made by Wonder Works. I tried to figure out what they are, and I believe they are pocket diapers (or something along those lines). So since Elias is sorely low on covers (and well, what is a cloth diaper with out a cover to keep in all the nasties?) I typed "make your own diaper cover", into google's search bar.

Now I am stoked to get started on what I discovered! Mind you, at the sewing machine I really have no idea what I am doing, but I have faith in a few good friends, (that don't yet know about this), who are wizzes with their machines!

So in honor of my new "love", I thought I would post up the sites with the patterns I've come across so that if any of you ladies are interested, you can try them out yourself. If you do, please let me know how they turn out! As soon as I get to Goodwill, print out the patterns, and have someone teach me what a 'zig zag stitch' is, I'll post pictures of the finished product and give you a little report on my experience :)

K so here are the sites:

http://katrinassqs.blogspot.com/2007/10/free-soaker-pattern.html <- she has a TON of patterns. Ok, well she has more than one. And I am very excited about trying her fleece pattern!

http://marthasworld76.blogspot.com/2007/05/how-to-make-wool-soaker-from-recycled.html
<- cute way of making longies

http://www.borntolove.com/frugal-column2.html <- though it seems that the directions are missing some possible key points, I am excited to try out her method. Another site directed me to her's and that woman said these were exceptionally easy.

Woo-hoo! Now who wants to teach me how to sew?!

Happy baby boy

2010-04-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

Birth story of an almost homebirth

2010-04-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

Elias James, Jan. 4th, 7:33 a.m. 9 lbs 2 oz 21 in, one small tear that needed a stitch, and no episiotomy :)

My son was 'due' December 24th, but other than BH, there were no signs labor was soon approaching. Finally on the morning of Jan. 2nd I woke up with a bit of show. I was so excited I immediately called my MW and doula! They both were greatly encouraged, seeing how this first baby of mine was taking awhile to show any signs that he would actually come out.

By 7, that night, I felt my first real contraction. My DH and I were watching a movie while I bounced around on the exercise ball, (baby was turned around and face up). I didn't tell him right away, but waited about a half an hour to see if these ones were the real deal. When I told him, my DH was so excited he said that we needed to call my mom, who lives in AK, and tell her to catch the next flight! I told him we needed to time them first, than call the MW, than if after we talked she thinks this was real labor, maybe than call my mom.

7:30 we started timing them and the time between was by no means consistent, but they were still coming! *thank the Lord*! We called the MW, she said it sounded like labor, told me to call my mom, and try to get some sleep.

I tried to lay down in the bed but there was a terrible constant pain in my lower back. So instead I sat upright on the couch and tried my best to sleep. I did pretty well, though every once in awhile a really strong contraction would rudely awaken me

By 8 the next day, (the 3rd), my in-laws were picking up my mom from the airport and coming back to our place. My mom rushed into the apartment, gave me a BIG kiss on the head and I instantly felt as though I could now have my baby.

We were planning on having the baby out our doula/friend's house, so we packed everything up and by 10:30 a.m. were on our way. At this point contractions were getting stronger, but I could talk through 96% of them.

We arrived at my doula's, and began setting everything up.

Timed contractions again and by the afternoon they were about 6 - 7 min. apart, and still totally bearable. I mean so much so that I even thought, 'well if this is labor, I am definitely made to have babies!' Little did I know, the tough stuff just hadn't showed up yet

My wonderful support team, (minus the MW, she didn't come until about 6 pm), took wonderful care of me during this super easy part of labor. I mean they were awesome at distracting me from the pain, talking with me, checking on me, feeding me, and making me go to the bathroom every hour on the hour.

About 3 we timed contractions again. They had spread out a little, but were getting more powerful. The spasm in my back also continued to get more intense. My support team were taking turns trying desperately to get the muscle to calm down, but all their efforts only aggravated it more. When this first began I thought it was back labor, but after I described it to my MW, she said that it was just some lumbar muscle that I must have strained sometime before labor began. Needless to say, I was not so happy about this added pain.

3:30 the whole house decided to take a nap. I tried also, but contractions were now strong enough that I could not sleep. I could still enjoy the company of other's, so I sat up with my doula and she prayed over my back. I think I remember it letting up a little, but not for long.

During all this the baby was still not rotating.

6 p.m. (ish), my MW arrives and decides she wants to check me. Because of testing pos. for Group B Strep, this was the first time I had been checked during this pregnancy. Amazingly I was already 100% effaced and at a "stretchable" 6 cm. My MW was impressed. She said that whatever my body had been doing for the weeks leading up to actual labor, had worked! I was pretty impressed too, seeing how labor still really wasn't hurting and I was more than half way there to having my baby. While checking me she tried her best to turn the baby, but he wouldn't budge. She also predicted he would be about 8-14, and said I had "plenty" of room to have this baby. She strapped me to the monitors, and baby's heart beat was strong, before, during, and after, contractions. There were no worries what-so-ever, this baby and his mama were doing great!

After she checked me, we sat down to have a little talk about the distance my doula's home was from the nearest hospital. Unknowingly we were planning to have this baby about 20 miles from any hospital, a distance that was just not comfortable for my MW. So after talking, I decided to take us all back to mine and DH's apartment. Also during our hour long conversation labor suddenly became more intense than anything I had ever felt before. My legs began to shake and I rocked my hips back and forth while holding fastly to the bed post. I also started breathing deeper and with more intention than before. It was good that I was warned this was going to happen, seeing how my MW had said that checking me was probably going to speed up labor. To that all I can say, "um. Yes it did!"

So while everyone was eating dinner, my wonderful DH announced, for me, that we were going to head back to our place. My support team, again showing me how wonderful they were, quickly re-packed everything and put it, and me, in the car. The ride back was quite a bit more difficult than the ride out. DH hit a couple of bumps that made me cringe a bit, but that was unfortunate seeing how it only seemed to happen right at the peak of a contraction

By 8:30 (ish) we were back home. I got down on hands and knees to try to get the baby to wiggle himself free from his unfavorable position. My mom popped in a DVD slideshow of pictures from the brother's wedding that I had missed (due to being too close to due day), and my water broke. I was rocking my hips and felt a huge contraction. With the contraction came a intense pressure. At first I thought the pressure was gas, and I was mortified that I might 'fart' in front of all these people, (yes I am that kind of a women that no one, and I mean NO ONE, hears me toot - which is what I prefer to call it). At the peak of the contraction and pressure feeling, and me with a scared look of pain and embarrassment, a big huge gush of water came flowing. I told everyone that it was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt before in my life, and well, it was, at least up until the part when the baby came out.

They quickly helped me out of my laboring pajamas and started the bath. I wasn't sure if I was having the baby in the water, but I at least wanted to be in it since I knew labor was just about to get a whole lot harder.

At 9 (ish) I got into the tub, and from about there on than on out, all things are a blur of time, faces, and pain. At some point during being in the tub I was given cut up apples with peanut butter, on a plate. I don't even think I ate one of the slices, (such a waste!), because later I saw a picture & it was put aside and it looked like everything was still on it from when it was given to me.

About 10 they got me out the tub to go to the bathroom again. I would have to admit that going to the bathroom, during labor, was one of my least favorite memories. For some reason it just made all the pain that much worse whenever I had to squat down to meet the toilet. After that not working out, they helped me change into something dry and than my mom lead me the 5 feet from the bathroom to the bedroom. Now contractions were definitely strong enough that without her strong arms holding me up, I would not have been able to walk to the bedroom.

In the bed room they started me trying lots of different positions to get the baby to move. He was not only backwards, but also higher than they would have liked to see this far into labor.

With my hubby in front of me, his knees on the ground, leaning forward on to the bed, I got on my hands and knees and held tightly unto his hands. This was probably my favorite memory from labor. Though it was hard, and everything a blur, as long as my husband was right there, right in front of me with his forehead against mine, I felt I could handle the pain. Later we moved to me sitting on the bed, on my knees, & sort of propped up against him while he sat on the exercise ball behind me, this I also liked. They checked me again and though it had only been a couple hours since my water broke, I was 9 cm with just a lip - anytime now! In fact they thought for sure I would have the baby by midnight.

Midnight of Jan. 4th rolls around and we're still doing the same dance, propped up against my hubby. My MW asked me if I wanted to get up and go pee again, but seeing how I hadn't been having any luck with that, she asked if I would prefer to do a catheter. And seeing how I absolutely despised trying to sit on the toilet, I opted for the cath. Unfortunately it didn't quite work out, because the baby's head was sitting on my urethra. My MW said that she could feel the tube hitting his head as she tried to put it in, and it just couldn't push past it. We did our best, though, and my bladder emptied a little, but I still had quite the pooch of what would not come out. By this time the baby had finally moved a little, now he was sideways, but she couldn't tell which way he was facing. He had so much hair that my MW could not find the fontanel line.

So they threw me back in the tub, this time with all the lights off, no people around, and me with my back pressed against the wall and my legs up, as if they were in stir ups. My MW sat in front of me and helped me hold my position by being the brace I pressed my feet against. She said this was a sure fire way of getting the baby to turn the rest of the way because my hips were most open in this position. I have to tell you though, it was extremely painful. I don't know if that was the case because of the awkwardness of the position, or because the baby was moving, or because now I was in the transition faze and nothing seemed to be happening, but regardless, during this time is when I felt as though I could not handle anymore. Later my husband came in and I told him that I thought I needed to go to the hospital because I needed an epidural. Being the wonderful, and practical, man that he is, he loving encouraged me that I "could do this".

My MW also helped me during this time by talking me through what I was feeling, and what was now happening in my body. She would tell me to just relax every muscle in my body, all the muscles that are not needed for getting the baby out, let your arms go limp, release the tension in your back, and breath deep. She told me to work with the baby, feel him turning inside, try to help him turn by relaxing everything. If it had not been for her in there to talk me through that part, I know for certain I would have had them call the ambulance, it really was that unbearable.

Now I must give glory to God at this point, because He really was with me through every single step of the way. I felt His presence holding me up, strengthening and encouraging me through out the entire labor. At this point in the tub my contractions were pretty much back to back, and so overwhelmingly powerful that in my mind I would cry out to God and ask Him for give me a break. I would cry out, and He would respond. Everytime I asked for a break, He gave it to me. It was like He was saying, "I am right here my beloved, I'm not leaving you alone in this very difficult place. Here is a break, so that you can re-gain your strength and continue on." During these breaks, however long they were, I would literally fall asleep. It had been over 24 hours since first contraction, and at least 8 since my water broke, and I really was exhausted. Whoever was in there, when I fell asleep, would tell me to wake up because they were afraid I would slump over and hit my head on the tub. But back to the main point, God, the living and real and powerful God, the one who hears when His children cry out to Him, was with me and lovingly giving me everything I needed to successfully labor! I could have possibly labored without my support team, but there is no way I could have done it without my Savior.

3 hours after getting into the tub I asked the MW's assistant what was going to happen next. I needed to know because I needed to know that I wasn't going to feel that much pain for too much longer. With a kind and confident smile she told me, "Next the baby comes." I than asked her what else I could do, because I had had enough of being in the tub.

By 5 am I was back in the bed room, and told the MW's assistant that I felt like I needed to push. She checked me and said I was 9 cm with that same small lip, but go ahead and do what felt naturally (thank you! This is one of the reasons I wanted a home birth, 'do what feels natural to do' - thank you!) She also felt for the baby's position and he had turned! Praise God!

I started pushing, and they woke everyone up. My mom was the only one who had stayed awake the entirety of my labor with me, but I am glad that the rest had gotten a little sleep.

5:30 - I pushed and out came a green'ish colored fluid. It immediately put up a red flag for my MW. Fortunately I didn't know green fluid meant meconium, nor did I even see it because my eyes were closed. In a calm voice my MW asked me not to push until she could put the monitors over my belly. Still I had no idea about the green fluid. The baby's heart beat was good and strong, except for when I pushed. I would push, his heart beat would sink, and than it took a very long time to return to where it should be. They began switching my positions. I started upright, and would squat down with someone pushing my hips into eachother. We than moved me on the floor on hands and knees. And than on my side, and than on my back, anything that would help the baby through me pushing. Eventually my MW just told me, "don't push on the next contraction". For all your mom's who have done this naturally, can you imagine being told that? I said I couldn't, she said she just wanted to see how the baby handled the contraction when I didn't push with it. Fortunately whenever I did not push, and just heavily breathed through the contraction, he was fine. Than she said, "ok go ahead and push on the next one". I pushed and the heart beat plummeted further, and struggled to return. We did this sequence one more time before she told me to stop pushing, and she was calling the ambulance.

The fire truck was there in like 5 minutes. They tried to IV me, all the while I am breathing in oxygen, which my MW put on me for the baby's sake, and blowing it out like a horse does when he waves his lips in the air.

The ambulance was there with in a half hour, and would have been sooner but someone in a more stressful situation needed them first. They came, loaded me up on the stretcher, ran me outside, my hubby hopped in the front and we were on our way. At one point I asked the very kind gentleman inside if I was going to have to have a C-sec. Of course he told me he didn't know, and that they were taking me to L&D. Than I felt the ambulance stop. I knew that we weren't at the hospital yet, so I asked, "I didn't know ambulances stopped at stop lights?" He told me, "Pregnancy isn't imminent" I had never heard that word before, but I immediately knew what he meant. I was not in an 'emergency' situation, and there fore we stopped at stop lights. I also asked him why there wasn't any sirens. Shortly after that they turned them on and sped up the pace. I think they began to feel sorry for me, I was quite the mess.

We arrived at the hospital and I was met with one of the kindest and most gentle smiles I had ever seen, Marylee, my nurse.

My support team arrived shortly thereafter and piled in the room. There were at least 6 hospital staff, and 6 people from my support team, so 12 people watched me give birth to my son. It is a very good thing that when you get to that point you no longer care who is in the room. I really would have been embarrassed had that been the same scene, 12 hours earlier.

They laid me on my back, started putting the equipment on, and transfered my IV, all while I was still breathing like a banshee. Than after being there for about 5 minutes I asked them what they wanted me to do. I was told that on the next contraction, go ahead and push - such sweet music to my ears! I had been told for the last hour, 'don't push'. Now I was finally getting the chance to let go of all that built up energy and push! So as the words, 'go ahead and push' were coming out of their mouth, I pushed with the force of a cannon ball coming out of a cannon. It must have done something big, because the next thing I heard was, 'prepping for an episiotomy'. I'm assuming the baby must have been crowning, and I'm sure someone told me this, but all I could hear was that dreaded 'E' word. No sooner had I heard it I turned to my MW and in desperation yelled, "M------ I don't want an episiotomy!", to which she replied, "Hunny if I were delivering this baby, I would do an episiotomy" (later I found out that the reason she said this was because she knew it was a big baby, and because he wasn't coming out so quickly/easily). I looked down at the Dr. and I watched something immediately change in his thought process. He was looking at the MW, put down the scapple, and began stretching me. Now I don't know if he heard me, or my MW's response, but either way, something made him change his mind, and I am ever so grateful!

I pushed, baby's head crowned, I pushed, baby's head came out, they stuck the tube down (he bit the Dr.'s finger when this happened), sucked out the meconium, pushed a few more times and with in 15 minutes of arriving at the hospital my beautiful son was born.

Now that was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt. Not for any reason except the immense relief that I didn't have to be in labor, anymore.

I didn't get to hold him right away, and forever I will morn that moment. They clamped and cut the cord and within 5 minutes were giving me a shot of pit. and literally pulling out the placenta. The Dr. looked at it, saw nothing was wrong, and than it was gone.

My son was just a few feet off, sitting under a bright light, crying, aggressively throwing his arms and legs around, and I laid in the bed, unable to even figure out what now was going on. They let me kiss his cheek before they took him away to the infant room - the softest cheek I have ever felt. They x-rayed his chest, and gave him some antibiotics for the Group B Strep.

While the baby was away I looked outside to notice that the sun had begun to rise. When I saw it, I was so puzzled that I had to ask, "why is the sun coming up at night?" Than I was told that it wasn't night, any longer, it was 7:30 in the morning. Which than made me think, wow, what an amazing way to start the day! What an incredible example of starting a new life, one with a new little person in our lives.

An hour or so later they brought him back and I finally got to look at his beautiful face, and smell his sweet skin. His daddy had gone with him, and stayed with him, right next to him the whole time he was away. Than baby, daddy, and I enjoyed our first few moments of being a family. It was a beautiful time, all three of us bonding.

I know I did not get to have my full home birth, but I did get as much out of it that I possibly could, considering the circumstances.

When the MW and I talked later, I learned the reasons why she felt it necessary to call 911. She said that although he had been doing so good for so long, something changed when I pushed. She said it could have been an elbow to the groin, a little too much 'squished' feeling, or something more serious, but whatever it was that happened, it scared my son so badly that he pooped his pants. She said it was the type of meconium that set off 'alarms', and the fact that he was working hard to conserve his oxygen after I pushed, that made her call the ambulance. When he came out at 9 lbs, 2 oz's, 21 in' long, and scoring 8's on is apgars, we now know that he probably wasn't really in danger, but it was more than likely a position problem for him, (ie. elbow to the groin, or something along those lines). Of course we had no way of knowing that before he came, so alas, we had to make the transfer.

Going away from this whole experience I have learned many things. 1) I loved laboring at home, 2) but I don't know if I can handle it again 3) but I didn't much care for how I was taken care of in the hospital 4) so I will probably bear the pain, and have a homebirth on the next baby

I hope that this rather long story is in some way, a help, or an encouragement to one of you ladies. I know that I wasn't against having my son in a hospital, so when we had to make the transfer, I thought that it was ironic. Unfortunately many of the people around me are even more against homebirths after hearing that mine didn't happen that way, but hey, this is what God wanted for our family, and I am blessed to have such an amazing story with a happy ending. I just hope to change their perspectives when the next baby comes along

My brain is melting....

2009-11-25T22:29:00.000-08:00

....from all the amazing things I've been learning today!!!

BTW, where is the cool fonts, and other things that used to be available when posting? I hope that blogger hasn't down graded us who aren't paying for their site.

But back to what my brain is melting about.

Monday night we were in our Heart for Ministry class, going through the book of Acts, when a question came up about the Holy Spirit. I can't remember the question exactly, but the discussion basically revolved around whether or not receiving the Holy Spirit, (as in the baptism of the H.S.), happens at conversion, or at a later time.
So I sat my self down at the comp., opened up Josh's bible software program, and my Bible, and began to read through the book of Acts.

In my notebook I posed three questions:
1) When a person is saved, do the receive the H.S. at that same time?
2) If that is the case, what does the Bible mean when the H.S. 'falls upon' or 'fills' a person?
3) What is/are the result(s) of the H.S. doing these things? (ie.: 'falling upon', 'filling', a person 'receiving', 'pouring out upon', etc.)

I than spent the rest of the day, up until about an hour ago, searching just through Acts to see if these questions could be answered.

After several pages of notes, I have come to the conclusion that indeed the gifting of the Holy Spirit is a separate event from a person being saved. Now I must tell you, this completely rocks my mind, and for one solid reason: not only do we receive Jesus and are baptized in His name, but we are also given another gift, the gift of the Holy Spirit to empower our lives to share the good news of the gospel. I mean seriously, do we need any other gifts other than salvation? Already we don't deserve that! But than for God to be so gracious as to give us His Holy Spirit to enable us to go and do the things He has created us to do....ah its just too much!

I also learned that the words used for describing how the gift is delivered, really doesn't make a difference. Before searching all this out, I wondered if a person received the H.S. first, (when they were saved), and than later, (at God's appointed time), the H.S. would come upon them in a different way, empowering them to do His good works. Well it turns out that I don't know how the H.S. works in the life of a new believer who has yet to be baptized in the H.S., but I do know that whenever they use the words 'receive' or 'filled', or phrases like 'fell upon', or 'poured out', in the book of Acts, its all pointing to the same event: The Holy Spirit has come to empower a believer to do things that beforehand were not possible for them to do.

In answer to the 3rd question, I found out that SO many things happen when the H.S. is poured out on the believer. Sometimes people would speak in tongues afterwards, others would prophesy, some saw visions and dreamed dreams, many were given boldness to preach the gospel and stand up to the religious leaders even though they faced certain persecution, and some were enabled to perform signs and wonders of healing and raising the dead back to life. Basically all pretty incredible stuff, stuff that I believe God still wants to be doing in us today.

And with that last statement, my mind begins to wonder if the reason we often don't see these things happening is because we believers are not being baptized in the Holy Spirit? I mean if it is by this baptism that all these things happen, and none before in the individual, shouldn't we eagerly desire to also be baptized in the H.S.?

Thinking that also brought another thought to my mind. If that is the case, have I been baptized in the Holy Spirit? Is the reason I lack the boldness to share Christ with other because I have yet to receive this gift? Is the reason that I am afraid of persecution because I have yet to have the Holy Spirit poured out on me? I must tell you, I do not know. I feel I may know the answer, but I also think I must spend more time in prayer before I know for certain. Whatever the answer turns out being this much I know is true....I do NOT want to be an ineffective christian. A person who goes to church on Sunday, and during the week locks myself up in my apartment where I am comfortable and safe.

I wish so much that I could share in more detail what God has shown me, but in all honesty, Its still sinking in for me at this time.

If you have any questions about this, please ask me! Like I said I have lots of notes, and if anyone is interested, I will share them with you.

God bless you and I pray He intrigues your heart so that you seek out the things of God that are still a mystery to you.

Counting down the days...

2009-11-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'm just counting down the days, now, until our little man gets here.

I am a little bit surprised at how quickly time is going by, now that I'm not working. I thought for sure that it was going to drag. I think its because I've been keeping busy with so many things that well, it just hasn't had time to slow down much yet! My 'to do' list is still rather long... but I'm ok with that. Of course other things have come up as being more important than things on that darn list. For example: the gathering of things necessary for home birth, like; cotton sheets, umbilical cord clamps, a knit baby hat, flexible straws, a 9 volt battery... I mean just the really obviously basic needs for a home birth, (haha yeah right!). Anyways the shopping around has been fun. I'm just getting so stinkin' excited that December is right around the corner! Though I keep assuming this baby will be a New years baby, I would not be disappointed in the least bit if he came before Christmas. In fact, if I keep looking at all his cute stuff, I will probably find it really difficult to wait if he goes past his due date. O well though! How can I not sit in his room and just look around at all this stuff just waiting for him when he comes out? I mean come on! But I digress...

In other O'Donnell news, Josh is scheduled for a knee surgery on the 2nd. He pretty much re-injured an old injury, but this time he injured it bad enough to completely tear his ACL. (So then again, maybe I don't want Jr. to come early, since his daddy will most certainly need all the time he can get for healing.) If you think of him, please pray for Josh's surgery. And please also pray that God would heal him with out needing the surgery. I'm hopeful that God will do this, so if others are praying the same, I would love it!

The baby had his shower last Friday, and with quite the turn out! Its so exciting to see that there are so many incredible & loving women around him! It just makes me so excited when I think about raising him at this church, (the majority of women there were ones from our fellowship), because I know these women will so genuinely love him :) Here are a couple pictures from the night:

I know they aren't great quality, and no one is paying attention to the camera person, but I figure that is ok and I can still show them :)

Josh and I recently had our two year anniversary, *woohoo*, and since we had no plans made for the day, it worked out perfectly when our good friend Krista asked us if she could take my pregnancy pics.

Its unfortunate how fuzzy they look on here, but you at least get the idea of how nice they turned out :) There are lots and lots more, but these ones are probably my favorites...at least for now they are.

Hope you all are having a blessed day! Don't forget Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I AM God", as you go about your business.

I'm a terrible blogger...

2009-11-01T19:11:00.001-08:00

But in all honesty, does that even need to be said anymore?

Anyways....

I just wanted to, again, update on some happenings. These ones are from this morning :)

God is still doing amazing things around here, (as if He ever stops!)

This morning, as I reluctantly crawled out of bed, I again found myself thinking that I wanted to quit being a jr. high leader. I often struggle with these thoughts, but have suspiciously discovered that I think them only on Sunday mornings, before the jr. high service begins. So of course it only makes sense that these nasty thoughts would be most invasive during morning prayer with all the other leaders. Up until prayer time, I was also thinking on the prior evening, and how sorely irritated I had felt, (of course my irritation was not caused by anything from my immediate surroundings. I simply had not prepared myself before the battle). Josh doesn't know this, but I was up for quite awhile after he had gone to sleep because I stubbornly would not let go of my pride and humbly ask God to take away my irritation.

But going back to this morning, and prayer time...

As we were all sitting in our little group, Josh went and did something totally unspeakable; he asked us to pray that God would cleanse our hearts of anything that shouldn't be in there, before going and ministering to the kids.

Of course I am than thinking, "Um so does that mean that you want me to stop selfishly thinking about myself and consider what God might actually want for me?" I mean I knew what the right answer was, but at first, I so did not want to do it.

Needless to say, I knew I would be utterly useless if I did not confess my sins and ask God to purge my being of anything nasty inside. So in prayer, before my brothers and sisters in Christ, I confessed my sins, and while doing so another little prayer slipped out of my mouth,

"LORD please help us to love on these kids"

You ever find yourself shocked when God answers one of your prayers, especially if it was one that when you said it, you really didn't put much thought into before it came out of your mouth? That was what this prayer was.

(now I'm going to side track a moment, but stay with me, I'll come back to this in a moment)

I felt God's compassion as He erased my sins of last night, but still found my mind struggling with the thought of leaving jr. high. I was rationalizing all the 'right' reasons for me to leave. I mean I am expecting, I'll have to think of my child soon and not have time for being in this ministry. I was looking at the fruits of my ministry and began to wonder, 'Am I doing this without God's blessing? Does He want me in this place anymore? Do the girls even get anything out of our small group? Am I hindering His work in their lives?' The thoughts were invading my brain, and really distracting me from our time of worship. So I said to myself, (and to God), 'I will not worry about this anymore. If God is calling me away, than when He does so, He will tell me.' I also believe that if you are unsure of whether or not God is calling you away from a ministry, the best thing to do is to STAY in that ministry until you hear from Him on where to go next. It is all too easy to feel strong emotions that make us believe that God is telling us to do something, when really He is not. I don't know if that is right, but as of now, I feel that is good counsel.

Josh gave his message, and than the dreaded moment came, small group discussion time.

This really isn't the most horrible thing in the world, but when you've been having thoughts like I had been having, being in this group with all those young faces looking up at you is a little bit intimidating.

The discussions were going well, (at least I felt they were), girls were sharing, we were talking, I was hoping they were understanding the real life applications of the message, and then my dear Emily shared with us how her Saturday went.

Emily, and her dad, do not have a very happy relationship as of late. In fact, during the past year plus that I've know Emily, her relationship with her dad has been a hard one. I know I can only take what she says with a grain of salt, seeing how I do not know the other side of the story, but from all that she says, her dad is a big meany.

On Saturday, (as of right now, yesterday), they had another one of their verbal confrontations, and as Emily told us about it the skin around her eyes began to turn red, and than within moments tears were flooding her vision.

This is when God unexpectedly answered my prayer, "LORD help us to love on these kids"

The instant I saw the torment in her face, my heart was stricken with unsurpassed grief.

You see, Emily asks for prayer a lot for her dad, and their relationship. So to see that things weren't, so far, getting any better, just completely broke my heart.

After the group was over, I turned to Emily and began to talk to her about her relationship with her dad, and than asked her about her relationship with God.

(My heart is still breaking for her now.)

I asked her, in regards to her relationship with God, if she was feeling any disappointment in Him because she didn't feel like He was answering her prayers. Unfortunately she said yes, and than went on to say, 'it is sometimes hard to believe God is merciful when this keeps happening'.

What do you say to a young girl when she says this??? I mean I KNOW God is hearing her prayers, but how to I tell her that how God answers them is a mystery? But that is exactly what I did tell her. I also tried to remind her that He DOES hear her prayers, and will answer them.

Maybe God is preparing her for something in her future, I don't know.

But it is so hard to watch a beautiful young lady, tormented by her emotions about her and her dad's relationship, and have no magic prayer that instantly makes it all better.

I didn't say it was going to be a happy post,

but I will say that even though God answered my prayer from this morning

in ways that I wasn't expecting, I still am so thankful that He did.

Can you imagine what my time with Emily would have been like if I had not confessed my sins and humbled my heart to doing His will for my life? Or if I had not prayed for Him to fill our hearts with love for the kids? I have had conversations with her that took place while my heart was in that other place. They always go about with me having nothing to say, but worse yet, with me having no love in my heart for her hurting one.

It was, by far, the hardest morning I have ever had being in jr. high, both before prayer time and after. Yet it turned out to be one of the most rewarding.

I told Emily I will be praying for her and her dad this week. If the LORD puts them on your heart, after reading this, I will be thankful that others are praying too.

It had been such a long time since I've felt love like that for another person, who wasn't a family member, or very close friend. In that experience, though, I learned more about the amazing heart of God. He really does love deeper than we can fathom. I also learned that when you ask Him to do something, be it His will, He will let your heart break to answer that prayer.

I can honestly say that I love Emily, and my heart is broken for her in her situation.

I don't know if I will wonder next Sunday whether or not I should be involved with jr. high, but I feel that as long as Emily keeps coming, I want to be there. I know God has a victory in store for her, and I want to be with her to celebrate when it comes!

I know this is probably way longer than you were expecting to read, but I wanted to get this whole experience written down somewhere so that I could look back on it in the future and remember God's faithfulness to hear my prayers, and remember how He answered them.

The LORD bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you, and your family :)

O boy it has been awhile...

2009-09-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give some quick updates, since I don't believe the world outside our little circle here knows much of what is happening in our lives these days, so here it is!

Beginning in August Josh began his new job as an intern at our church. His job entails pretty much anything anyone else would have to do being on salary there, only the benefit is his responsibility is much lower ;) Which I like because I think he gets a chance to grow a ton this way!

Just recently our youth pastor decided to give Josh the reigns to the Jr. High ministry. He said he wanted it to be Josh's thing and he would disciple him through the year. Pretty crazy! It is so good to know that God is in control of all this and that He will see Josh through this time as their teacher, (I don't think he is wanting the title 'pastor' yet, and I also suppose the whole responsibility thing jumped up a notch when this happened too).

Our baby boy is getting bigger and stronger all the time! He seems to be moving less these past few days, but I chalk it up to the nasty cold I'm fighting. I wish I could post up a pic. here of my belly now, but It will just have to wait :)

I want so much to have another ultra sound done, but alas, if it is not needed, it will not be 'ok'd' by the midwife, (did i do my 'ok'd' thing right there?). When I am not sick, he kicks and goes nuts in my womb! Josh and I picture him being a boxer when he grows up...of course I'm sure every mom thinks that about their little one when they do all that crazy fast moving around :)

My baby shower has officially been put into the planning stages! My awesome cousin Sheena is going to take care of it. So far the date is the 13th of November, (which also so happens to be a Friday. Its a good thing I'm not a superstitious person!)

My job is quickly on the ending side, and I'm really actually kind'a sad about that. I mean I am excited to get to be home and start doing stuff around here that never seems to get done, but still, I've grown to really love the people I work for, and the work I do. I do have the option of going back next year, but as of right now I'm just not sure how that would work out. I think the baby could come with me, but what if he is fuzzy, or worse, screaming when I have to answer the phone? I don't think that noise would sound too professional. Maybe this is something I should be praying about...

Our good friends Mo and Barbi are moving to Anchorage, Alaska with their two beautiful children :( Although I and Josh both are EXTREMELY bummed they are leaving, we also can't help but be SO EXCITED because it is so obviously the hand of God moving them there. Which reminds me, Jess, do you and Charley feel like meeting a couple of super awesome people and quite possibly becoming friends??? Just thought I'd play 'match maker' ;) since they won't know, well, probably anyone up there.

On the plus side, more people to come visit now! And more reasons to move up, (now if only God would be convinced that was the 'right' thing for us to do...haha ok actually I don't even know if that is funny to joke about, but God knows I'm kidding :)

Josh and I have begun the Heart for Ministry program at our church again. For those of you who do not know what it is, it is a year long 'extensive' study through the bible, (I put 'extensive' like that because I know it is not as extensive a study as it could be, but it is the most I've ever taken on), and this year we are going through the New Testament. Tonight was the second night of class, but because of my dumb cold, and at the time low grade fever, I decided to stay home and sweat this sucker out with some hot chicken noodle soup. Last week was awesome though, and I am SO bummed I missed tonight :( I hope Josh took lots of notes for us! We also listen through sermons given by Pastor Chuck Smith. This past week I benefitted so much from them, I feel I may just be alright missing tonight's class :)

Well the tiredness is beginning to return to my body, I think that is my que to go lay back down.

I hope this update finds you all in good health and in deep satisfaction in our LORD Jesus Christ! I heart you all!

The Kindness of God

2009-08-10T13:34:00.001-07:00

I have found a "new" way of spending my slow times in the office, (don't worry, even before I was hired, my boss gave me full permission to do this).

I don't struggle with boredom often, but I have recently found myself to be heading that way at work. The phone just doesn't ring like it used to *sigh*
So in light of my nearing boredom, I decided to actually study the Word! Every time I do, it is a sweet and rewarding experience :D I love the Bible! And I love God who translates it for my not-so-smart brain.

I've been reading Roman's during this past week'ish. Today, a "problem" with a family member came up. While searching the scriptures for answers, I came again to my past reading in Roman's 1:27-2:5. In helping me better understand the depths of what I was reading, I turned to my fellow friend, David Guzik. He has commentaries on many books of the Bible, (all of which you can find at blueletterbible.com), and they are excellent!

While reading the word, and following his commentary, this particular piece stood out to me.

"Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindess and tolerance and patience,
not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?"
Rom. 2:4

I've held this vs. very dear during the past few years of my life. It helps me not be such a hippocrit when thinking of certain people, who are making bad decisions :) And quite honestly not just for certain people, but people in general. Even to the Christian who has already tasted His goodness and is walking with Him. This vs. has helped me to remember it is His goodness that is what leads us to repentance. Which brings me to the initiall motivator in writing this blog. David commented on this in his commentary, and this is what he said:

"Not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance (in ref. to vs. 4): Many people misunderstand the goodness of God towards the wicked. They don’t understand the entire reason for it is to lead them to repentance.

i. Men should see the goodness of God and understand:

God has been better to them than they deserve
God has shown them kindness when they have ignored Him
God has shown them kindness when they have mocked Him
God is not a cruel master and they may safely surrender to Him
God is perfectly willing to forgive them
God should be served out of simple gratitude

ii. Are you waiting for God to drive you to repentance? He doesn’t work like that; God leads you to repentance. “Notice, dear friends, that the Lord does not drive you to repentance. Cain was driven away, as a fugitive and a vagabond, when he had killed his righteous brother Abel; Judas went and hanged himself, being driven by an anguish of remorse because of what he had done in betraying his Lord; but the sweetest and best repentance is that which comes, not by driving, but by drawing: ‘The goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance.’” (Spurgeon)"

Um WoW! Can you say, 'amazing!'? Cause I sure do when I read this!

Isn't it sad how we so often have humbly received God's grace, only to begin to believe we have deserved it? And when we begin to think that, we than look down our noses at others, condemning the obvious sinner for what they're doing. We forget that it is because of His kindess that we have received His grace. If only we would walk in His grace, sinners would see His love and turn to Him because they know He is kind. (I'm not saying it is up to us to 'save the world', but we do need to put our lives into His hands and let His love flow out of us and unto others.)

Those are my thoughts for the moment, and I hope to dwell on them all day. I have been wanting to post for some time. Reading this scripture has given me enough passion to do just that. Now, I get to go live it out, (especially since I know God is going to help me fully learn this lesson now :)

God bless you! I pray, if you are His child, He will show you today more how to walk in His ways. If you are not His child, I pray He will open your heart to the love He has for you.

Pictures, finally!!!

2009-07-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from our weekend vacation. We had the opportunity to take the lift up the mountain, and ride our bikes down. It was awesome! Of course I only fell once, (thank You God!), and never on my tummy, or on any big pointy rocks :)

Can't you see that I'm a hungry pregnant lady?! haha actually I didn't eat this all to myself. In fact it took Josh and I two meals to finish this monster. This is only half the sandwich here.

See, I told you its not fun to fall down a mountain. Ow that really looks like it hurts huh? I actually took this pic this morning. I figured I'd wait 'till it looked its worse. All the swelling has finally gone down and look what was hiding underneath! Pretty gross!

We had an AWESOME time! Josh is now in love with mountain biking and is counting down the days 'till he can go again. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be going anymore. Its not that I don't want to, but well, here let me show you.

8 weeks 14 weeks
Yeah I don't think that belly is planning on staying small for much longer :D

Thought to ponder

2009-07-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

" ¹⁶Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Hebrews 4:16

So if this is true, than why do I shy away from being bold before others?
I mean honestly, if God has made it so that I can approach Him with boldness, my Eternal Master, my Creator, my King, the Holy of Holies... then why I am not bold to share my faith, or reach out to someone hurting? If I believe the writer when they say, "let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace," then shouldn't it be that much more simple to go near to someone in their time of need?

Our girl's group discussed this last night and I must admit, I have been acting like a wimp. The chapter basically looked over these few things:

In order to help others you must first Be There, i.e., you must be at church, youth group, different ministry outings, work, the street, wherever it is that the people are! You must be present, wherever the people are, in order to help.
You must be Prepared to give of yourself. If I go to a church service just expecting to get something out of it, than I will be going unprepared to be a vessel that God could use to touch someone else's life. I must prepare myself before going. I must be in prayer, in the Word, looking through His eyes at the world and asking, "who Lord, needs to feel your arms of love in this moment? Who needs an encouraging word? Who needs prayer, and what do I pray?"
I must be Bold and willing to step outside of my comfort zone. Hurting people are sometimes hard to approach, especially if you do not know them. Instead of being afraid of rejection, a problem 'too big' for me to handle, or sitting with someone while they are vulnerable with me, I need to be bold to go to them and let Christ love them through me. I feel it is the same with seeing new people. At our church it is not very easy to pick out the newbies, (since a good number of people come to each service), but maybe if I greeted at the front door, I'd have a better chance of catching them and making them feel welcomed. Actually I think that our greeters do a great job! So maybe I don't need to go there, but after service there are always lots and lots of families just hanging out in the fellowship hall. Maybe I could strike up a conversation? This would definetly take some boldness to accomplish

So there is where I am left. Am I going to continue to hold my tongue? Am I going to continue to shy away when opportunity to share my faith arises? Am I going to wait until its a good time for me to let God have His way in my life, or am I going to let Him be my master today, right now?

I just plain don't want to be this wimpy christian anymore. I dont want to be afraid of offending someone or making a pleasant situation into an akward one. I want compassion to take the place of my standing still. I want love to take the place of fear. I want to watch Christ use me while I am alive on this earth. I want to see Him transform lives and reveal Himself to those who have yet to see Him. I want to live my life zealously for God so that when people look at me, they see the Father and want to know Him.

O Lord help me please, I don't want to be silent anymore. I don't want to hide my light under a basket. Please Father embolden me, let my heart feel the compassion you have for the hurting and lost. Please take me where you want me to go, I am Your servant and your beloved daughter. I know You will be with me wherever I am, please lead me to where You are. In your Son's Holy and precious name, Amen

Accomplishments

2009-06-25T11:28:00.001-07:00

Just thought I'd throw out a list of accomplishments my hubby and I have succeeded in lately:

married 1 year, 7 months, and 25 days
packed up the entire apartment (and I have yet to have any part in the actual moving *woo-hoo*)
scheduled a weekend get away
entered my 2nd trimester on Tuesday
never threw up due to morning sickness, (I think this is HUGE, so its going on the list)
kicked some butt at ultimate Frisbee, (Josh's to be exact -haha j/k Josh...actually maybe I'm not)
made it to work on time everyday, this week, but once, (2 minutes shouldn't be considered late)
finished recording all but two sections of my heart for ministry notes, to the computer, (it takes hours, probably only like one person will understand this accomplishment - Josh)
dealt with angry customers without sobbing
played the role of collections lady without freaking out, (of course it is easy to be stern with an answering machine...)
went to bed on time every night
progressed into the part of pregnancy when you have ridiculously realistic dreams, (o my stupid, lively imagination!)
choose a healthy alternative over sugar enriched junk
amazingly I haven't cleaned anything, (except my self), in over 3 weeks. Dishes don't count because they go in the dishwasher. And before you begin to think I'm a complete slob, we're moving and we don't have to clean, nana-nana-boo-boo!
stayed away from the Chinese Gender Predictor chart, though I find it fascinating and not knowing what we are having is almost worse than waiting for 9 months to end!
I didn't do this one, but my brother Garret proposed to his girl Meghan. (she said yes, btw)
Another one I didn't do, but while I'm introducing people who weren't really supposed to be on this list...my littlest brother Adam has his first g/f, (how does that happen? I mean he is so cool and this is his FIRST g/f??? anyways, whoever the chick is, she is a very lucky girl :)
if I pull back the "flub" on my tummy, you can see the baby bump beginning to POP!!!!

Um yea so I guess that is my list :) Nothing too crazy exciting, but It was an easy way for me to update. Next time I post, I hope to actually have some pictures. I always write while I'm at work sooooo yeah. Maybe I'll try from home next time.

Love to all!

Update!

2009-06-22T16:33:00.001-07:00

Ok so I am lame and should've updated this as soon as I found out but....

If any of you read my last post, (which was really a waste of time, sorry if it got any of you down), you would know that I was feeling poopy because I wanted to get away with Josh and didn't see how that would ever happen. As I was typing that message out, I was also texting Josh, letting him know how super sad I was, (and honestly I wasn't trying to manipulate!) Just after I posted that blog, he text me back and said, 'lets go somewhere'. I was like, ' what seriously? Just like that we will go somewhere?' So we called up my mom to see if we could use her time share. She said yes, we were all excited, but then we couldn't find anything near us that was available. So we were bummed again, and started to throw the idea out when Josh said, 'well why don't we just pay to go somewhere else and just not use your Mom's time share?' Again I was like, 'what seriously? Just like that we'll pay to go somewhere and get away?!' We thought about camping, but both of us sort'a cringed at the idea of having to be dirty for 2 1/2 days, ( I know kind'a wierd, but honestly we just wanted to go somewhere already layed out, nice and clean, and bugless). So we searched, I was praying all along, just asking the LORD to give us somewhere to get away to. We wanted to go to Leavenworth, but hotels were running like $169 a night, -um yea ridiculous- or at least, too much for us to spend. We looked around Montana and a little in Oregon, (I love this part of being in Wa. You can actually GO somewhere when you 'get away' :), and finally decided on Sweitzer (Sp?). Actually I don't even know where Sweitzer is. I think Josh said Montana. Anyways its a resort on a mountain with an outdoor pool and shopping and bike trails and free lift tickets so that you can go to wherever the lift takes you...*sigh* I feel so blessed! I just love that God would bless us and actually give us a place to get away too! We both figured that other than going to AK in July, (which really isn't a 'vacation', per say, but more of a 'visit'), we aren't going to get to go anywhere, just the two of us, before the baby is born. Josh begins his internship, with the church, in August and than 4'ish months later we pop out a baby, (or I should say I pop out a baby), and between now and than, this weekend is the ONLY one we could take off to do something.

The fun part will be moving this week before leaving Friday morn. :) But like we keep on telling each other, 'if Nehemiah can build the wall of Jerusalem in 52 days...we can move in a week!' Thank You God for the encouraging stories you have put in the Bible!

I'm so stoked about this weekend coming up! Thank You Lord for giving us this precious gift!

Feeling Sad

2009-06-17T12:23:00.001-07:00

I was recently looking at pictures from someone else's honeymoon, and just realized how desperately I want to get away with Josh.

Josh and I went down to San Diego for a week, than hopped on a cruise boat for another 7 days, for our honeymoon. We actually were "hoping" to sneak off to somewhere tropical in January, but that won't happen now. To tell you the truth, I'm really feeling pretty down right now. I'm so tired of Josh and I not seeing each other. I know other women can relate, so I don't want to spend too much time on this subject, (and have my bad attitude to rub off on you).

Honestly I love what we are spending our time on, yet can't there be a little more time in the day so that we can see each other? Ok I'm really feeling like I need to stop talking about this. A friend of mine doesn't seem to ever see her husband, and I never hear her complaining, so I think I should just stop. I just wanted to let out some of my saddness. I know the LORD hears my heart, and He will do whatever is right. Maybe we will get to get away for a weekend. Or maybe my heart will change. In any case, He knows how I am feeling and I'm just gonna' let this go for now.

I know, not really an uplifting post. I figured I should write about something, and since this is heavy on my brain, well its what gets written.

Love you all!

Just a thought...

2009-05-19T09:56:00.000-07:00

This lovely little blurb was sent to me via. e-mail and I just thought, would I really want to do this?

"Record your weight and waistline each week
Be sure to record your weight and waistline measurements each week in your journal to track the amazing changes your body will go through in the next few months. Keep track of those roller coaster feelings, too. They will make you smile, years from now."

I like how they speak so positively about gaining weight. You just don't hear that very often :)

I mean maybe I would want to if my expanding belly were due to a baby growing too big for my mid-section. But as of right now, I think I would just get upset, haha!
All last night I kept rubbing my belly 'cause its already sticking out. Unfortunately I know its not because a baby is pushing up, but its more then likely; A) bloating, B) water weight, or C) whatever else my body is doing these days. Actually I have been thinking about this...I have an obviously short waist. So I know that whenever I put on a 'little' weight in my mid-section, it looks like a ton. I always figured this was because being a short waisted person, the fat only has so much area to spread out over. So if that is true, could it be that I would be showing sooner than maybe a long waisted person? I have no scientific proof to prove this, but honestly, my belly really is sticking out significantly further than it was before I was pregnant. You can even ask Josh, he pats and rubs my belly now :)
Anyways that is all I wanted to say for now. I know its short, but it was a thought I had that I felt like sharing with the world, (or at least the handful of you that read this ).
Blessings to all!

Amazed by God

2009-05-15T11:41:00.001-07:00

This I have read from the LORD's word today. And this is what I've learned of His deep deep love for His children.

I picked up my bible to read Psalms. A while ago I decided to read through them, one by one, on a daily basis. Until yesterday, when I returned to reading them again, I had been very slack in keeping up with my decision. I reread yesterday's Psalm, (Ps. 39), and proceeded to Ps. 40 for today. A verse in there, that I had previously highlighted, caught my attention, as the verse was kind've confusing to me. It reads;

"Then I said, 'Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God;
Your Law is within my heart.'" Ps. 40:7&8

This is a Ps. by David, so what perplexed me was why David would be writing such a profound statement about himself. I know David to be a regular man, just like I am a regular woman, so I wondered what scroll he could possibly be talking about.
After finishing the Ps., and soon forgetting these verses, I noticed I had still enough time to read something from the N.T.
Last night Pastor Ken mentioned Hebrews 1, and though I couldn't recall why he did, I did remember that because of what he said, I wanted to read it. I worked my way through Heb. 1, (mind you it is not a book I usually or even recently have turned to), and because of some of the inner struggles of my heart, I read more of Heb. I decided what to read by looking over the sub-titles given throughout the chapters. I read a few verses and a couple paragraphs and was about to close up my bible when this sub-title stuck out to me, "One Sacrifice of Christ is Sufficient". I probably would have never taken a second look except that during worship we sang "It is Well With My Soul'', (again, not a usual worship song we sing). One line of that song spoke powerfully to my heart, and filled me with such overwhelming gratitude for my Savior. It's the line that says, "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more". In all the hurt and confusion of my heart, I knew one thing to be undeniably true, my sin, not in part but in whole, has been nailed to the cross and I bear it no more! In this I found the freedom and joy to truly worship my Savior, despite whether I felt like it or not. Being reminded of this blessed time of worship, the sub-title for Heb. seemed of particular interest to me.
Reading down chapter 10, I came to verse 7;

"Then I said, 'Behold I have come
(In the scroll of the book it is written of Me)
To do Your will, O God'."

(These being capitalized words referring to Christ speaking of Himself.)
I had to do a double take. I said, "'Really God?" Flipping back to Ps. 40:7&8 I read the same words! Then I said, "You really want to be that personal with me?" And with that thought came a continuous chorus of, "Thank You! Thank You!", and many tears of relief.
I have been feeling really kind of lost of God. I have felt as though I know He is real and powerful, but I have not felt the intimacy of His nearness. Even late last night, as Josh and I were reading our Night Light devotional, it asked how we have seen the power of prayer. I honestly had no answer. Yes I pray, yes I believe God will answer those prayers, for I know He hears them. But to actually remember a time where God's hand personally came down and did a miracle before my eyes, I could not remember the last time. And than with one fail swoop, He reached down and touched my weary heart.
This is my response to His goodness to me:

Thank You my heavenly Father! Thank You for knowing and hearing my heart, and encouraing me this day!
I love you God I love you I love you!
Thank You Holy Spirit for guiding and directing my path. I know You were preparing me for something marvelous, and this is certainly marvelous!
I love You LORD! My God, My King!
You have refreshed and renewed my weary heart!

As with most of my posts, or at least parts of them, I hope that today this encourages you in some way. It might seem like a small thing to come across these scriptures, and to tell you the truth, I haven't even looked again to see what they are actually saying. It's just the fact that my God wanted to be near to me today, that He wanted to encourage my weary heart, that He lead me through a rough season to bring me to a place of utter gratitude and humility...for these reasons I am in 'Awe' of His compassion. He saw His child hurting, and in the last few minutes of her quiet time, came to her in a personal way and gave her hope. Isn't He amazing?

Since its been 2 months and 1 day...

2009-05-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

...since my last blog, I figured I'd actually come back to this little place and write something, hopefully of interest to someone :)

How about we begin with the fact that I am, um pregnant! Yep and pretty much everyone who'll read this already knows that. But lets pretend for a minute that I just found out and am telling you for the first time. That way it will be like we are sharing in *the moment* once again. I don't know why we would do that, but I feel rather lame for not writing about finding out, when I did. I mean, don't most women do that? As in a way of concreting all the excitement and emotions that come with finding out great and big news? Maybe I'll be better about blogging when we find out the sex of the baby. Since we're sort of on the topic, and I've always been curious about this...lets take a poll; do you or do you not like it when you find out great and exciting news over something like an Internet blog? (I'll vote first, since I'm sitting here while the question is being asked), I LOVE finding out stuff over avenues like people's personal blogs, or web accounts like facebook/myspace! I mean seriously, do I even get on here to do anything other than to check up on the happenings of my friend's lives? Nope I really don't. Which is probably obvious since I don't ever blog. (Now here is the truth, if you blogged everyday, well shoot I'd be signing in just to check out what you had to say! But if I sign on and no one has written anything about their life, more than likely I'll sign off and that's the extent of my Internet use for the day. In other words, you ladies blogging about your lives *inspires* me to write about my own. With out your *inspiration*, I don't write anything. And apparently that's because I don't possess any *inspiration* of my own. Now did that *inspire* any of you to blog? :) Its almost like a nonchalant guilt trip, except I'm not that conniving, so it isn't.

I sure hope I haven't lost you so far.

Anyways that wasn't the direction I was planning on going when I got here. What I ACTUALLY wanted to write about was how I found out I was pregnant, (and how Josh found out too)....

It all started when I missed my 'you know what'. The thing is, Josh and I had wanted to start 'trying', but after 2 months we both decided that I should go back on birth control, (there is a good reason, but I don't wanna get into it now. Ask me later if you are interested). I took two days worth of the pill, and than expected to see my period. Well since taking BC at any random time during the month can throw your cycle off a few days I thought nothing of missing Mr. tom. I needed some blood flow regulators (i.e. tamps - sorry to any guy that is reading this, I'm trying to be as modest as possible) and since the pregnancy tests are on the same aisle...I picked one up. Those being the only two items I was purchasing, I commented to the cashier that the blood flow regulators were back up, in case the test came out negative (I don't know why, but I just felt like I had to give an explanation for buying only those two things). Anyways I went home, took the test and WHOA! Instantly my eyes began to fill with tears. I just kept staring at it going 'no way! no way!' I was crying like a little kid who just couldn't get enough air in to counteract his hyperventilating, and walking quickly through the house, back and forth saying 'no way! no way!' I was so glad Josh wasn't there, cause there is no way he would've understood my reaction. I didn't even understand my reaction! I don't know why I was crying, it wasn't like overwhelming tears of joy. I think it was more like my body going through shock or somethin. I mean what do you think when you find out your pregnant, and even though you were planning on it, it still totally takes you by surprise? Yea I pretty much just didn't know how to react. By the time Josh came home from youth group, I had cleaned up the whole apt, put a clean white table cloth on the table, wrapped up the test in a Christmas tin, and turned on the Christmas lights that were still up. I also set up the camcorder so that I could catch his reaction on film. I haven't watched it to see how well it caught everything, but man o man I hope it got his smile! On the top of the Christmas tin I put one of those 'To: From:' stickers and wrote 'To: my love for life From:your wife - Merry Christmas'. Needless to say he was pretty confused. He was like 'why am I opening a Christmas present in April?' I told him I had gotten it for him when I was at the store and was *so excited* about it that I couldn't wait for Christmas to give it to him. His reaction was nicer than mine. He didn't cry and pace around like a crazy person. He laughed and smiled with abundant joy, it was like our wedding day all over. He also kept saying 'wow! wow!', which I think was also much better than my disbelieving 'no way! no way!' Everyday he tells me how excited he is to be a daddy and I can't express enough how grateful I am for such a man :D

I know I wrote a lot, (again), but I just really really wanted to get down this incredible experience. I'm sure I want forget it, but there is something so fun about coming back, at some point in the future, and reading things like this. It's like how the Israelites set up rock monuments to 'never forget' what God had done for them in different circumstances of their lives. I guess that really is what this blog is for me. It is a a mound of rocks, a monument that I can return to and read, and remember the goodness of the LORD. I hope it brings some smiles to your faces too :)

And with that all said, I sign off to go on to do something probably not nearly as fun as blogging, but needs to be done nonetheless.

Toodles!

What an interesting week this has been.

2009-03-13T16:43:00.001-07:00

All week long I have been fighting with deep feelings of discontentment with my jobs.

Awhile back a man at church was talking to Josh and I and mentioned that he would soon be looking for a secretary. Josh instantly said something along the lines of, "Audra you should do it!" And I replied to him, "Why? I like my jobs why would I quit?" Needless to say, Josh was kind'a confused why I wouldn't want the job he thought sounded so exciting.

Time passed, and a couple Sunday's ago our buddy Joe was walking by and said, "Hey Aaron is looking for you two and wants to know if Audra is still interested in that secretary position?" Again Josh became extremely excited and looked at me with a big smile. I looked back at him with a largely sarcastic grin. And again I thought to myself, I never wanted that job in the first place. why would I want that job? I like my jobs and so if I like them, why would I even consider something else? Josh and I have the same schedule, I only work a few hours a day, all is super great with how it is right now!

Last Sunday (so 5 days ago) Josh and I got into the car after church, and before we were home he told me that we needed to talk about something that I didn't want to talk about. Immediately I thought, he is going to ask me to quit working, again (he has been asking me to quit for a little while now. But we talked and he said that it made sense that I work while we didn't have children for me to tend to. So I thought that was all figured out). I knew it couldn't be him telling me he was ready for children, so he wanted me to consider offing my birth control, ('cause that was another topic of previous discussion). So I waited patiently 'till we were home. Then over a big, (and I mean cookie sheet big), thing of nachos Josh shared his heart with me.

He said he felt very confidently that God wanted me to quit working as a barista and work as a secretary for Aaron's company. I was kind've surprised, it wasn't what I was expecting, and again my instant reaction was "well I don't want to". But at the same time I knew that if this truly was God (and I have no reason to believe my husband would use God as a way of manipulating me into doing something) telling Josh this, that God would tell me the same thing. I told him I would pray and see if God confirmed the same thing to me, though I still just couldn't imagine quitting. And Guess what God did? He confirmed it. I looked for His answer in so many places, and it wasn't until praying with Barb at our church that God showed me the answer would only come through my submitting to my husband. Until this very moment, as I write this, I didn't think he had confirmed anything in me. I now realize that He has answered my requests of Him to give me the same confidence as Josh, through my discontent heart at work. I mean this week has been excruciatingly difficult to get through. I have been late to work everyday, to both jobs. I have been frustrated with little things, upset with customer's attitudes, and even judging and thinking I don't want to help them because they are like ____ fill in the blank. Whatever I could come up with, for a reason to not want to serve them, I did.

So today I broke the news to the bosses. They took it really well, and even though I turned about twenty shades red I am glad I told them. I'm praying for Louise, one of the bosses. She is pretty much all by herself at her shop. I mean, I am the only other employee, and she needs at least one person to do what she has me do. I had the opportunity to pray with her the other day (off topic, but an awesome one and the next one I am going to!)

She is overwhelmed with her husband's health problems and work issues and money and and and....the list probably goes on. I knew I should pray with her, but boy I was nervous! God gave the wide open opportunity though, and I think today we saw it answered. I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself just yet, since she hasn't made the necessary phone calls to see whether or not this is the answer to prayer. But if it is, wow God moved fast! I hope it is the answer! Before we prayed I told her that I have seen God answer prayers really quickly when I pray with someone (not to mean that I have anything to do with the reason their prayer is answered. But I think God has been wanting to show He hears our prayers. and what better way to confirm that He does, other than that there is a witness to testify that that is true?) Her response was "yea sometimes"...with a very heavy heart and doubt in her voice. It saddened me. I know that its true that God doesn't answer every prayer right away, but this poor woman's heart is so heavy she finds it hard to believe He still hears her at all. I do hope that today her prayer was answered! What a testimony it would be huh?!

O my I tried to not write so much. I just couldn't help myself. I think I like to describe things in too much detail. If I wanted to go back and proof read the last story I told you, o the details I would try squeezing in there! But I won't! I will just send this out, after spell check does its job, and let it fly :) Or something like that.

Much love and many blessings! Don't give up praying to the LORD for all that is on your heart! He hears every prayer of one of His children, and He LOVES to astound us with His answers. Quick or not, He always answers them.

A randomn, far from useful post :)

2009-03-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

Just a few pictures to share with ya'll, (how do you like the fake southern accent I just threw in there?):
A sweet Valentine gave me this beautiful candle, (if you look closely you will see that it is in our wedding colors). Its wax on the outside, hollow in the middle, and has a oil wick, or whatever its called. So it will burn/last forever! I love it :)

This one shows what happens when a bottle of Arbor Mist is forgotten in the freezer untill the next morning, (I'm not even going to show you what the freezer looks like because of it). Learn from our mistakes guys. Who knew that Asparagus would keep growing after you bought it? Even though it seemed kinda alien to me we still ate it, and it tasted good :) *mmm*
And here is one of me and my husband showing affection. Of course, due to our awesome lameness, this is just about the only picture we have of ourselves from Valentines day. Hey at least we got one, right!?

I love him so much :)

O boy I do believe the "lameness" has caught hold of me again...

2009-02-24T15:29:00.001-08:00

Let me explain what I'm saying. The reason why my blog is titled "Probably mostly Audra blogging...if she ever even does it" is because I am pretty lame about keeping my blog up. Of course, what do I have to talk about? I should just make up action packed stories with drama and morals that suck you in for at least 5 minutes. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and give that a try.

"Once upon a time there was a stunning young lady who lived way up high on the 3rd floor. She had hair that flowed like a gentle river, and eyes deep with thought and wonder. Her mind was continuously filled with day dreams of knights saving damsels in distress, while she worked at the neighborhood burger joint. She always wondered, "why do I dream these things, wishing that they were my life, when there is no way it could ever be?" Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, on and on...it was always the same day after day, a dull and colorless life. Flipping burgers, toasting buns, "o drats! Too much ketchup on that one! Isn't there something more to life than this?" she thought to herself

Her boss was a surly man. His heart was dark and full of bitterness. Years upon years he had neglected to care for himself, and his every word was like a sword piercing her young heart. You see, she could never explain to you why, for she could not understand it herself, but her heart cared for this man. Even though his anger and sharp tongue seemed to only cause wounds in others, she thought...no she knew, that he only needed someone to love him. Perhaps than, he wouldn't feel so constantly miserable inside, and hate everyone else because of his dissatisfied and empty heart.

On a bright and clear afternoon, just before beginning her shift, our young friend decided to put before herself a goal. With set determination she silently vowed to do all with in her power to show her boss that somebody cared for him. She did not know how she would go about fulfilling this vow, nor could she, at the time, fathom how terribly difficult completing such a task would be, but her young heart was undaunted. Her brilliant mind began to think up hundreds of beautiful ways to reach into her boss' heart and find the soft spot she was convinced was in there. "After all, no body has an entirely black heart. Right?" she said to herself.

She wrote him anonymous cards with pictures of peaceful streams on the front. When he yelled, rather demanded, for someone to do something written under his job description, our fair friend was first to respond. She covered for him when he slacked off to indulge in the sin of his selfishness. She arrived at work extra early to help him set up the work stations, for she knew that his evenings of heavy drinking often caused him to be 'too sick' to have them ready in time. She lied for him. She cleaned up the messes he made. She stayed late into the night, so that he could leave early. Soon enough her usual daydreams of knights in shining armour were replaced with constant thoughts of, "what else can I do to get through to him?" Within only a handful of weeks, her heart began on a discouraged path. She struggled with her inability to accomplish her goal. The more she did, the worse he seemed to become. He never thanked her for her sacrifices. When she could have been at home eating dinner with her parents, but instead choose to close up for him, he waved it off as 'no big deal' and spent the night running around town, sowing corruption to his flesh. She watched in astonishment as his heart only sank deeper and deeper into self righteousness and strife.

"Why is Nothing that I do enough!", she screamed in her head. "Why does it seem that my helping him just makes him more angry inside?! What is wrong with him that he doesn't recognize my sacrifice and all the turmoil I am putting myself through to make his life better?!"

Two months past by and nothing changed in her boss' heart. He grew more surly, outrageous, and contemptuous. Of course no one really noticed that about him, because to them he had always been that way. They did, however, begin to notice the drastic change with in our friend's heart. Her eyes no longer showed wonder, nor did her mind ever venture to daydream. Her tongue became quick to throw out coarse and bitter words. They also noticed how unfair her appearance became. Once she had radiated young beauty, with a smile that dazzled them all. Now her face was sullen with grieve at the constant disappointment she felt in unattaining her goal. She no longer smiled, not even the slightest curvature would elevate her lips. She only frowned, from the depths of her heart, she frowned.

You see, what our friend never realized in the beginning, before venturing to love someone so unlovely as her boss, was that she herself had no love to give. She was like so many others we know, maybe even ourselves. Her life was empty, but ok. Her heart was searching for a purpose, but when she thought she found it in helping someone else, she was swiftly let down when they did not respond like she expected. She never saw that she herself was broken inside, and needed to be fixed before she could reach out and even begin to help someone with much more baggage than she carried. She was a dried up well, with no water to give to those who were thirsty.

She once day dreamed of knights saving maidens, wishing she could be one of them. She never recognized the reason she daydreamed these things was, in actuality, because she was one of them. Our friend couldn't see it, blinded were her eyes to her own need, but she also needed to know someone loved her."

Moral of the story: We are all broken people and we can not 'help to fix' any other broken person before we first come to realize our own brokenness and need for a repair man.

Too often we try to 'fix' others to make up for our own feelings of inadequacy. We can't fix ourselves by fixing others, that is like saying a person with two broken hands can set their friend's broken leg. Its impossible and exhausting for the one who tries to do this. Only when we come to recognize how completely broken we are, can we look up and find the repair man, Jesus, standing in front of us. With His tools in hand: Salvation, Love, Strength, Perseverance, Discipline, Trials, Prayer, Patience, Grace, Study, and so many more, He uses all our time on this earth to take us from our beginning state of a hopeless mess, to re-build us into a whole new tool. One that is like a tool box. He fills us with His tools, (ie.; Salvation, Love, etc.), and than carries us around, fixing others while using us. A tool box can't go out and fix the leaky faucet, its just a tool box. But the repair man can reach inside the tool box, find the right tool for the job, and fix what is broken.

I know that all I want to be is a tool box. Someone who doesn't have any of the answers from with in myself, but who carries around the words of hope and prays for other's salvation.

I don't exactly know why, but my blogs tend to end on a serious note, (even though when I began this I really was planning on just making up a dumb story). O well, maybe this needed to be written. Let me know what you think. Does this all make sense? I have someone in mind as I write this. I hope so badly that she could recognize that fixing other's won't do a thing to fix the emptyness she lives with in her heart.

Epilogue:

Our young friend wasn't left in despair forever. The repair man found her broken heart, and she let Him in to fix it.

Babies are EVERYWHERE...and so is all their stuff

2009-02-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my co-worker informed me that two of our customers are newly impregnated, and than said, "ya know what this means Audra, you're next". As if I'm putting something in these ladies coffees, and than sneaking it into my own coffee, so that is causes this epidemic, haha!

It is funny though how many people are popping out, or are close to popping out, little additions. And the other equally interesting detail is how very many of those are girls! Which, I would totally not mind catching THAT train. I mean I do want a little boy, several actually, but it seems like the odds are against Josh and I for a female child. We both have brothers for siblings, and there isn't a sister among us. So whatever you ladies are drinking, or whatever it is you are doing to produce the XX chromosome to dominate the XY...I want in on it!

And here is something worth pondering, have you heard it said that whenever there was a war to come there seemed to be a lot more boys born in the 15-20 years before the war, than there were girls? My mother-in-law pointed this out to me. I guess there has been, (this is 'hear-say', remember), studies to prove/show this. If you go back and look at birth records those 15-20 years before a war begins, they have seen that a significant number of boys were being born over girls. Interesting huh? I pretty much think about that all the time, especially these days when the abundance of children being born seem to be girls, or at least in the majority of women around me, (I'll come back to explain why I say this, in a moment). It is so incredibly Awesome to, in a slight way, be able to recognize His provision for the human race and see how God knows what lays ahead of us. Since He knows when serious wars will take place and many young men will die, He provides enough men to fight during the war, and than there are those who survive, or just didn't fight, who are available to get married and keep the whole 're-populating' the earth thing going. Seriously, I think about this probably a couple times, every day. It fascinates me! For me it is clear confirmation that my faith is in the True and Living God, because it shows How intimately involved with us He is. I mean He already knits us together in our mother's womb, (amazing!), but that He works it out so that there will be a lot of boys to a few girls being born....He is incredibly Awesome! I don't know anyone who is more organized and plans ahead better than Him :), (probably one of the biggest understatements of the year).

So I said I would come back to explain why the abundance of little girls around me has caused me to think about this a lot more. A few years ago I remember when tons and tons of little boys were being born. I mean, I grew up in part of that time period. *Proof I did - I have three brothers and Josh is one of three sons in his family, pretty good proof aye? But I remember being young and recognizing that an awful lot of little boys were being born, and only one or two girls. So here, let me get to the point...

I know why God caused all the boys to be born, (scary to say, but there is obviously going to be a big war in our lifetime - unless God was planning for the Iraq war, there will probably be more, and worse, and bigger ones. O I get chills saying that), but why is He bringing so many girls into the world? I wonder if we are in for a war bigger than we have ever seen before, that is going to effect both sexes in ways we have yet to experience. Like bombs on entire populations or more women in battle. Or maybe it is because God just really wants to make sure all the boys who live through the war have a good variety to choose from, who knows what God's plans are. In any case, kind'a neat to think about huh?

Amongst the pondering, this much I understand and know is true; He is on the move. Earthquakes, tsunami's, volcanoes acting up, um what else are we looking for? Signs in the "sun and moon and stars..." Luke 21:25. How much longer will He wait? I know He is patient, and wants as many as will come to Him, to come to him, but how much more will we see before He takes us home? Its a mystery. I used to be afraid of that day, being young in my mind and more immature in my relationship with Him, but now I find myself excited to finally be home with Him! O what Joy it is to sit in His presence while I'm still in this sin drenched body; I can not fathom being clothed in His glory, sitting before His majesty, worshipping in His physical presence, forever satisfied in His love, with nothing more in the flesh to distract me and pull me away from my beloved Father. *sigh* O man now that REALLY gives me chills! But the good kind :D

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GOD!!!

Today, all day long, my flesh has been stinking up my walk like hard core. O gosh this darn thing, (the flesh), gets me angry! I want to just be perfect, and not sin anymore, and never disappoint my Father by giving into temptations....man. Actually I take the beginning of that first sentence back, the flesh is ALWAYS stinking up my walk, but today God helped me to see when and where :) He is so good like that. I Praise Him for His unending Grace- 'cause seeing the nastiness of my heart today...man I just don't ever get it, I continually choose sin when I know I really don't want it- but His grace, O His grace, is so sweet and precious to me!

I really really really like this blogging thing. I said it here before I think, well at least in person to one friend, but its kind'a like what a prayer journal does for me. The Spirit uses it to help me realize truth. Not that what I am saying is so incredibly profound stuff that I'm learning and feel the need to bring here to you, but it causes me to gather my thoughts, reflect, and focus on what the Lord is teaching me. And its free healthy entertainment, what a sweet deal!

Ok well friends I think I just unloaded a good junk of my mind to you, so I will let you alone now. Besides you have enough of your own thoughts in your head, do you really want mine in there too?

I love you all! I really truly do :)

God bless you.

Woo-Hoo its another Monday!

2009-01-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to say today, except that it is really cold in my apt and I 'stink' at making myself take naps.

But since I'm here now I might as well come up with something to talk about :)

My brother Scott just moved down from AK. He doesn't yet know what he will do for work or where he will live, so if you could pray for him that would be incredible! He is on Josh's "Hit List" for Heart for Ministry and since he put Scott on there we have been praying for my brother non-stop. It is awesome to see him healthy, but his lifestyle has been rough on him. He has scars from being beat up, eyes that are tired, and nerve damage all throughout his body from a fight he got into...its crazy to see someone changed so much in such little time. I thank God for bringing him down here! A friend of our's told us yesterday that he has been praying that God will bring godly people into Scott's life....perhaps that is why he is here? Scott said he wants to go to church with us and Josh mentioned something to him about helping out with construction work at the church-I know of quite a few godly people over there...I'm pretty excited about the possibility of Scott helping out :) I've been praying for my family members since I was sixteen, my heart so yearns for them to yearn for the LORD! I wish I could just take God and put Him in their hearts so that they would treasure and cherish Him and never want to let Him go. I know I should not get discouraged about praying for them, and right now I'm not, though sometimes for a season I give up praying for them or just plain forget to pray. I just don't know why God takes His time changing some hearts and others get touches immediately. I'm not complaining about God, its just one of those mysteries about Him that I won't ever understand. Why some prayers are answered immediately and others are prayed for years before they are answered. All in all I know God hears my prayers for my family members, and I know He cherishes them. What is that vs. that says that His incense is the prayers of the saints? Or something like that, at least.

Its funny because I wasn't planning on coming here and talking about Scott, or my family, or prayer, or lack there of...but now that I am, I feel compelled to leave and pray for them all. This is why I am enjoying blogging so much. I know that there will probably be very few people who ever read these, but for me, (like I was mentioning to you yesterday, Barbi), it is a chance to get thoughts out. And since I have to write in clear and concise sentences, it causes my heart and mind to work out the things going on in them. Its a neat little thing, this world of blogging!

Well seeing how I feel compelled to pray, I suppose I should not ignore that which has been brought out of heart and to my mind's attention.

Much love and many blessings to you, whoever you are, that is reading this :)

Date Night~!

2009-01-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I haven't seen much of each other lately, so all week we have been looking forward to our desperately needed date night! We went to dinner at a nice place in the downtown mall, watched a movie with our free movie passes (thanks mom!), and than returned home for an evening of battle ship and champagne (which was really not good so it barely got touched).

Of course we had to get some ice cream, much to the breaking of my will against eating sugar, and ended up with leftovers, which sat in the the theater with us for over an hour and a half (does that mean I shouldn't eat it now?). The movie we watched was the new one with Kevin James, Paul Blart; Mall cop...pretty darn funny (and I know you like Kevin James Jess, so you would probably enjoy this one). Quite a few times I looked over at Josh as he hung his head down in that 'Are you Serious?' laugh that comes when something totally ridiculous has just happened...I love it when he laughs :) Josh won in battleship, but not before I blew up four of his ships (including the Carrier - so that is like double points for me). And then we just sat on the couch, listening to music, immensely enjoying one another's company. Our wedding song came on and I started to silently cry into Josh's chest, and couldn't believe how much love began to immediately fill my heart. I mean I loved the man before the song came on, but as it played I was 1) reminded of our beautiful wedding day, and 2) reminded of every wonderful day I have had with Josh since our wedding day. I can't boast about Josh, but I sure can say that God shows me He loves me by giving me such an incredible spouse...I stinkin love that man!

Unfortunately, Josh and I do a pretty poor job of taking pictures of ourselves (but honestly, how many pictures of just the two of us do we need? I hope we will be better about taking pictures after children are a part of our lives) So here is the one picture from our date We are standing in the hallway where the elevator dropped us off to our car. For not a very nice backround I think the picture still turned out pretty good (thats what love in two people does - turns any drab and dreary hallway into a backdrop of romance! haha or something like that).

It was a very delightful evening with my husband, something that I wish could happen more often. Actually I told Josh today that I really really wanna' go on a cruise again. Ah man that would be SWEET!!! So we are going to look into it. We will see. I think that after being reminded of our wedding day it lead my mind into reminiscing our honeymoon cruise to Mexico. I think working might be causing my mind to check out vacationing too. Work is good, but ya know when you've been working for about 4 months and come to that point of 'its time for a vacation', or is that just me because I'm a wimp when it comes to working? Well no matter what the cause of my desire to cruise again, I think any reason to want to go is good enough.

Well my dear friends, I really ought to get off so that I can hit the treadmill (woo-hoo for exercise!), if I don't go now it won't happen today :)

Love to all!

New President...and prayful thoughts

2009-01-20T09:28:00.000-08:00

So as pretty much the whole world now knows, we have ourselves a new president. He just swore in about an hour or so ago, and I must say, I am excited for him.

Just think of the crazy new adventure he is now beginning in his life? I will be honest, I wasn't rooting for him during the debates, but I confidently believe God's Word and He said,

"Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God"

Romans 13:1

So if the LORD established Obama, than that must mean that He wants him there. Now that could be good or bad for us. I've heard some scary things about plans Obama/and or his "people" have brought to the public, but so far I have not been able to find any articles to prove the things I was told. So in light of not gossiping, I won't tell you what I was told until I find out whether or not they are true :) Sorry for getting your hopes up, (if they were up). But despite what I was told, our people and our leaders need our prayers. I can't express enough how badly they need them either! I mean you know yourself, and even if you are a Christian and are trying to allow Christ to live a righteous life through you, you know how frequently you make dumb decisions. Now put yourself in our new President's position, or any one of the new people he elected into their different offices. These people not only have the opportunity to make unwise decisions for themselves and their families, they have the chance to make things really messed up for the rest of us too. I'm not trying to demean or belittle anyone, I'm just simply stating a fact; we, as people, are all evil and some of us are in high positions of authority. So yea, that could be a tad bit freaky if you let your mind be consumed with those thoughts. But instead I encourage you to earnestly PRAY for these people. Just like you would for your kids, your mom, anyone you love, and yourself.

"First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we made lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity. This is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth."

1 Timothy 2:1-4

Lets pray for these men and women who are in authority. And lets not give up praying for one another. I highlighted that part in blue because I believe that when God shares His heart with us, that is a pretty good place to start in our prayers for others; praying His heart for them, to Him.

I wish I could write more today, and in fact I might later, but for now I must rush off to work!

May God richly bless you and your family today!

Alas, I do believe I have figured this thing out!

2009-01-19T11:06:00.001-08:00

Woo-hoo! So I've been meaning to get on here, for some time now, and figure out this whole posting and setting up deal. The only bummer is, I don't know if I have things to say that are worth anyone else reading. O well I guess if you read this, hopefully you don't walk away dumber than before you sat down! So now that you have been warned, lets see what I can find to type about this mornin...

My hubby has been gone allll day for the past few days. He is helping with a construction project at our church. He loves being there! And I love him being there. Now now before you start thinking that I mean something like "It feels good to get that guy out'a the house!" let me explain myself. You see since Josh has been spending time down there, and in the company of some rather godly men, I've seen him grow exponentially. It is so exciting! It is so obviously where God is wanting him, at least as of this week :) and He has been blessing my hubby so much. So much so, that I am blessed by how much God is blessing Josh! Josh's joy and faith are becoming more complete with every day he spends there...how could a wife not be pleased with such a thing as that? I do miss him being here after I get off work, but by golly if he is somewhere thats blessing the socks off of him, (what a wierd expression, by the way. Did I even say it right?), than I am as content as a blue bird on the first day of Spring! I'm thinking I might join him down there too, after the gym.

Which then brings me to my next nonsensical topic for the day; the gym.

Which I have been missing for quite some time since getting my wisdom teeth pulled and the roof collapsing over the pool. But now it has been nearly 2 months since the renovation of my mouth and gym, so I'm heading back to jog off these thighs!

And, since I brought up the word thighs, lets discuss them a bit here. Why does it seem that these things insist on growing into such awkward shapes? I mean honestly, (and really I'm not complaining, but its just kind'a fun to talk about this), I jog, I don't jog, and they are just always funny looking. At least Josh says that they are beautiful, (or maybe its that he says I'm beautiful), in any case they come with the package of me so he must like 'em! Well even if he didn't, I think God blessed me with a sweet enough man he wouldn't say otherwise :)

Ok so lets move unto something else.

God has been bringing me and my will under some strong lessons of obedience this past week+. My work(s) decided that they wanted to give me more hours, which really isn't the beginning of the story, so if you will, allow me to back track a moment:

Josh was layed off from his work recently, and with lay offs soon comes worry and fear. Especially for my wonderful man who, as long as he can remember, has always said his wife will never work to support him, (maybe a pride thing, or perhaps its just him in his man-hood wanting to be the one to provide for his family, or could it be both?). Finding ourselves in this familiar situation we decided that prayer was much better than worrying untill we were sick. It is awesome how the Father will sometimes answer prayers so quickly you barely have the chance to say amen, because within a week I was being offered 6+ hours more than I usually work. Sweet huh?! Well it came at a bit of a cost....if I wanted the hours, I had to be willing to work a couple split shifts. Real quick, show of hands of who really really like split shifts? Yep, as I thought, not many of you do! All last week I thanked God for his provision, and in the next instance struggled continuously with my flesh to say "I am doing this". I would ask/say to myself, "do you need the hours? Why not talk to the bosses and tell them that there has got to be a better way than you working splits. Audra just do it, just work this schedule and don't make a fuss about it." That last thought being me finally laying myself down to being obedient to what God has given/called me to do. I say that because I don't believe He wants me to have an easy schedule right now. I'm not sure He wants me to hate it either, but if this is how He is answering our prayers for provision, who am I to ask Him to take it back? I don't know what God wants to bring out of these split shifts and less than desirable schedules, but I am excited for the outcome! So if you think of it, please pray for me in this new endeavor. I don't know if everyday I will feel this positive about working, so if the LORD lays me on your heart, please do pray, I am probably going to need it! Pray also for my love, my hubby that is. He is a wonderful man, and not working does get to him sometimes, yet he confidently knows that he is exactly where God wants him to be. We, in God's creative way of simultaneously working things out, are going through very similar trials; one of laying down our will to a call of obedience.

O boy I've been sitting here and typing for awhile! I was supposed to take a nap so that I can actually work out hard when I go to the gym :S

O yea, almost forgot to mention, I am in the process of training for a race. A short race, but a race none the less! I would talk lots about it right now, but I might as well leave something for another day :D

Much love and many blessings friends!

Wierd

2009-01-19T10:41:00.001-08:00

yada yada yada can't you tell I don't yet know what I'm doing??